Biblical Answers for Attachment
Attachment Theory
Attachment is best understood in young children. It is
absolutely essential that a baby bond with its mother through physical
contact and have its physical and emotional needs met during the first days
of its life. If it does not, Reaction Attachment Disorder
(RAD) can occur. Characteristics of the unbonded child
include a lack of empathy and emotional connectivity, extreme
self-centeredness, distrust for others, acting out in extremely destructive
and vicious ways, and a lack of regret for what they have done.
RAD can be the precursor to Oppositional Defiant Disorder and
Antisocial Personality Disorder.
If a child is separated from an attachment figure or the attachment figure
no longer meets its needs, experiments with children shown that the child
goes through three stages of detachment.
First, they protest through crying or acting out.
Second they go into despair where they withdraw, refusing to eat
or interact with others; and finally, they detach and will even ignore the
attachment figure when they are in need.
(Clinton and Sibcy, 2002, pp 17-18)
Four basic attachment styles have been identified through observing the
reactions of young children.
Although the child’s style can change due to new experiences and
psychological development, they usually provide the general framework for
relationships throughout the child’s life.
1. The secure
attachment style. These
children view themselves as worthy of love and feel competent to obtain love
when they need it. They view
others as reliable, accessible and willing to respond to their needs.
They seek out an attachment figure when they feel insecure and
will act in ways that effectively meet their emotional needs.
2.
The avoidant attachment style.
These children view themselves as worthy of love and competent to
obtain it, but view others as either unwilling, unavailable or untrustworthy
of providing for their emotional needs.
They tend to withdraw into themselves, discount their emotions and
rely on themselves for nurturing.
Many times, they will value accomplishing
things over developing relationships.
3.
The ambivalent attachment style.
These children view themselves as unworthy of love or incompetent
to get the caregivers attention, but view the attachment figure as capable
of comfort and protection. They
tend to throw tantrums or act out in order to receive nurturing but have
difficulty receiving it when the caregiver attempts to help them and,
sometimes, become angry at the caregiver.
They tend to perform for others in
order to please them in the hope that if they do well enough their needs
will be met.
4. The disorganized attachment style.
These children view themselves as unworthy of love or incompetent to obtain
it; and they view others as unwilling, unavailable or untrustworthy to give
it. Because they exhibit both negative viewpoints and because this
style is many times the result of abusive behavior, these children are
confused in their attachment attempts. Sometimes they will even run to
a stranger for safety. This is because, at times, they have
experienced the attachment figure meeting their needs; and at other times,
they have experienced rejection or abuse from the same attachment figure.
They tend to be overly emotional and cycle between wanting to be close and
avoiding closeness. (Clinton and Sibcy, pp 24-28)
A person’s overall
attachment system operates similar to a thermostat. If the primary
attachment figure becomes unavailable, refuses to meet his needs or is
unreliable, he will protest in an effort to correct the perceived problem
and to calm the anxiety that he feel. On the other hand, he may feel
smothered by too much intervention or demands for closeness and take action
to withdraw and get a little space. With insecure styles of
attachment, an approach-avoidance dance can be initiated which will
eventually damage the relationship. In some cases, when attachment
wounds convince a person that the attachment figure is not safe, detachment
may occur. Periods of protest and despair usually precede actual
detachment. One of the most common signs of detachment is when the
other person withdraws from non-sexual touch.
Because everyone emotionally needs someone who is trustworthy, always available and emotionally sensitive, God is the ultimate attachment figure. This is because God cannot lie, He is always available and, through the things that He suffered here on earth for us, He is very sensitive to our emotions. Because He does not change, He provides the ultimate safe haven that each and everyone needs and the safe base from which to venture out into the world. (Clinton and Sibcy, 2002, Hart, 2003)
The
Attachment Model of Jonathan, David, Michael
and Saul
As we have already discussed, one of our deepest needs is to be
loved. Most of our conflicts in
our attempts to be loved are problems with attachment, and the answer to our
attachment problems is faith. To
understand this from a biblical perspective, let us examine the lives of
some of the best-known figures of the Old Testament: Jonathan, David, Saul
and Michael.
The Secure Attachment Style
1. The first
requirement for a secure attachment style is that we view ourselves as
worthy of love and capable of obtaining love.
Jonathan, whose name means, “Jehovah has given,” is a biblical
example of a secure attacher. The
fact that his father, King Saul, gave him this particular name indicates
that his father valued him as a gift from God, especially, since he would be
in line to be the next king and carry on Saul’s heritage after he died.
Perhaps, because he was the crown prince, he was highly valued and
received exceptional treatment as a child from all around him.
The fact that he was trusted and favored by his father is clear
from the fact that he asked Jonathan to lead the remainder of the Israelite
army. Anyone who has met one will
agree that secure attachers are definite gift from God.
1 Sa 13:2 Saul chose him three thousand
men of Israel; whereof two thousand were with Saul in Michmash and in mount
Bethel, and a thousand were with Jonathan in Gibeah of Benjamin: and the
rest of the people he sent every man to his tent. 14:49
Now the sons of Saul were Jonathan, and Ishui, and Melchishua: and the names
of his two daughters were these; the name of the firstborn Merab, and the
name of the younger Michal:
2. The second requirement of
secure attachment is that we view others as trustworthy to provide a safe
haven for us. Although it
might be hard for us to believe that anyone, even Saul’s son, could view
Saul as reliable, Jonathan did trust his father.
In turn, Jonathan was the closest person to Saul and was so
trusted by him that when there were only two swords in all of Israel,
Jonathan was given the second one.
1 Sa 13:16
And Saul, and Jonathan his son, and the people that were present with them,
abode in Gibeah of Benjamin: but the Philistines encamped in Michmash.
22 So it came to pass in the day
of battle, that there was neither sword nor spear found in the hand of any
of the people that were with Saul and Jonathan: but with Saul and with
Jonathan his son was there found.
3. Since no one on
earth can ever be totally relied upon in all circumstances, truly secure
attachers place their ultimate reliance on God,.
Jonathan trusted God so much that he was willing to go against the
entire Philistine army with only his armor bearer at his side.
Johnathan’s armor bearer trusted him so much that he was willing
to follow Jonathan wherever he went.
However, Jonathan was not presumptuous.
He first sought a sign from God that what he was about to do was
the will of God.
1 Sa 14:6 And Jonathan said to the young
man that bare his armour, Come, and let us go over unto the garrison of
these uncircumcised: it may be that the LORD will work for us: for there is
no restraint to the LORD to save by many or by few. 7
And his armourbearer said unto him, Do all that is in thine heart: turn
thee; behold, I am with thee according to thy heart. 8
Then said Jonathan, Behold, we will pass over unto these men, and we will
discover ourselves unto them. 9 If they say thus unto us,
Tarry until we come to you; then we will stand still in our place, and will
not go up unto them. 10 But if they say thus, Come up
unto us; then we will go up: for the LORD hath delivered them into our hand:
and this shall be a sign unto us.
4. Those with secure attachment styles are able
to freely give of themselves without requiring anything in
return. They are able to attach closely with
others at the deepest level without fear of losing their own identity.
Love is the emotion that results from attachment.
1 Sa 18:1 And it came to pass, when he had made an end of speaking unto Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.
5. Commitment, which is a sign
of unconditional attachment, may be expressed through the making of a
covenant. Today, the ultimate
in attachment is marriage, and it is signified by the covenant of marriage.
True attachment can be so close that the “two become one flesh.”
Although Jonathan and David were just friends, Jonathan loved
David “as he loved his own soul.”
1 Sa 18:3
Then Jonathan and David made a covenant, because he loved him as
his own soul.
6. In attachment, we
make our heart so vulnerable to the other person that we trust them with our
reputation, share our inner-most thoughts and words, sharpen each other’s
character, and offer our strength and power to make the other person feel
safe. Hart sums this up in the
words trust, availability and sensitivity.
(2003) A feeling of
safety must exist before we will be willing to truly attach to another
person. Insecure people fear and
avoid attachment due to the vulnerability that it requires.
1 Sa 18:4 And Jonathan stripped himself
of the robe (reputation ) that was upon him, and gave it to David, and his
garments (character), even to his sword (words), and to his bow (strength
and power), and to his girdle (heart).
7. We can trust a
secure attacher even with our life.
David trusted Jonathan with his life again and again when King
Saul sought to kill him. King Saul
trusted Jonathan so much that Jonathan was one of the few people who could
change his mind. Secure attachers
make excellent mediators.
1 Sa 19:1
And Saul spake to Jonathan his son, and to all his servants, that they
should kill David. 2 But Jonathan
Saul's son delighted much in David: and Jonathan told David, saying, Saul my
father seeketh to kill thee: now therefore, I pray thee, take heed to
thyself until the morning, and abide in a secret place, and hide thyself:
3 And I will go out and stand
beside my father in the field where thou art, and I will commune with my
father of thee; and what I see, that I will tell thee. 4
And Jonathan spake good of David unto Saul his father, and said
unto him, Let not the king sin against his servant, against David; because
he hath not sinned against thee, and because his works have been to
thee-ward very good: 5 For
he did put his life in his hand, and slew the Philistine, and the LORD
wrought a great salvation for all Israel: thou sawest it, and didst rejoice:
wherefore then wilt thou sin against innocent blood, to slay David without a
cause? 6 And Saul hearkened
unto the voice of Jonathan: and Saul sware, As the LORD liveth, he shall not
be slain. 7 And Jonathan
called David, and Jonathan shewed him all those things. And Jonathan brought
David to Saul, and he was in his presence, as in times past.
8. Those with secure
attachment styles will never leave or abandon us no matter what happens.
Jonathan never abandoned Saul even after Saul accused him of
violating an order that he had not even heard, and sentenced him to death.
Saul even threw his javelin at Jonathan because he supported
David. Yet, in the end, Jonathan
died in battle at Saul’s side.
1Sa 14: 43
Then Saul said to Jonathan, Tell me what thou hast done. And Jonathan told
him, and said, I did but taste a little honey with the end of the rod that
was in mine hand, and, lo, I must die. 44
And Saul answered, God do so and more also: for thou shalt surely
die, Jonathan. 45 And the
people said unto Saul, Shall Jonathan die, who hath wrought this great
salvation in Israel? God forbid: as the LORD liveth, there shall not one
hair of his head fall to the ground; for he hath wrought with God this day.
So the people rescued Jonathan, that he died not.
20:30
Then Saul’s anger was kindled against Jonathan, and he said unto him, Thou
son of the perverse rebellious woman, do not I know that thou hast chosen
the son of Jesse to thine own confusion, and unto the confusion of thy
mother’s nakedness? 32 And
Jonathan answered Saul his father, and said unto him, Wherefore shall he be
slain? what hath he done? 33
And Saul cast a javelin at him to smite him: whereby Jonathan knew that
it was determined of his father to slay David. 34
So Jonathan arose from the table in fierce anger, and did eat no
meat the second day of the month: for he was grieved for David, because his
father had done him shame.
9. However, because secure attachers are
secure, they can be counted on to do what is right in the long
term best interests of everyone involved.
Even though King Saul, Jonathan’s father, wanted David killed,
Jonathan supported David when he was hiding from Saul.
Attachment, at its very heart, is a covenant of mutual support to
do what is right and have the long-term best interest of other people in
mind.
1 Sa 20:42 And Jonathan said to David, Go in peace, forasmuch as we have sworn both of us in the name of the LORD, saying, The LORD be between me and thee, and between my seed and thy seed for ever. And he arose and departed: and Jonathan went into the city. 23:16 And Jonathan Saul’s son arose, and went to David into the wood, and strengthened his hand in God.
1 Sa 23:17
And he said unto him, Fear not: for the hand of Saul my father shall not
find thee; and thou shalt be king over Israel, and I shall be next unto
thee; and that also Saul my father knoweth. 18
And they two made a covenant before the LORD: and David abode in
the wood, and Jonathan went to his house.
The Ambivalent Attachment Style
In this story, David is our example of a person who typifies an
ambivalent attachment style. As
our story continues, please note how this style is significantly different
from a secure style and how insecurity leads to dysfunction.
1. Those
with ambivalent attachment styles do not believe they are worthy of the love
and the support of others unless they perform adequately to deserve that
love. David was the youngest
in his family and so looked down on that he was given the lowly job of sheep
herder (many times a chore given to children or slaves), he was not even
invited to the meal when Samuel came to anoint one of the brothers as king,
and his older brothers saw him as a prideful upstart when he asked questions
concerning the possibility of fighting the giant Goliath.
Even after he killed Goliath, King Saul had to ask who he was,
even though he had been playing the harp for him in the palace for a
considerable time. How others view
us is generally the basis of how we view ourselves.
When David was asked to be the king’s son-in-law, he saw himself
as so unworthy that King Saul gave his older daughter, who was supposed to
be David’s wife, to another man.
1Sa 17:28 And Eliab his eldest brother heard when he spake unto the men; and Eliab’s anger was kindled against David, and he said, Why camest thou down hither? and with whom hast thou left those few sheep in the wilderness? I know thy pride, and the naughtiness of thine heart; for thou art come down that thou mightest see the battle. 29 And David said, What have I now done? Is there not a cause? 57 And as David returned from the slaughter of the Philistine, Abner took him, and brought him before Saul with the head of the Philistine in his hand. 58 And Saul said to him, Whose son art thou, thou young man? And David answered, I am the son of thy servant Jesse the Bethlehemite.
1Sam 18:18
And David said unto Saul, Who am I? and what is my life, or my
father’s family in Israel, that I should be son in law to the king?
19 But it came to pass at the time
when Merab Saul’s daughter should have been given to David, that she was
given unto Adriel the Meholathite to wife. 23
And Saul’s servants spake those words in the ears of David. And
David said, Seemeth it to you a light thing to be a king’s son in law,
seeing that I am a poor man, and lightly esteemed?
2. Ambivalent attachers view others as safe and trustworthy
to provide a safe haven for them. With the treatment David
received in his family, it is hard to believe that he had learned to trust
others. However, because David was a man after God’s own heart;
he may have trusted God to make up for other people’s failures.
David’s mother and father or other relatives may have provided strong
nurturing when he was a child. The fact that, under these
circumstances, he was able to develop such a deep trust in God suggests that
this must have been the case. Jesse means, “Jehovah exists, to
possess something, or to be wealthy.” At the very least, he
grew up in a good family. He demonstrated that he was naively
trusting throughout his life by relying on men like Saul, Joab, Ahithophel,
Amnon, and Absalom, all of whom eventually betrayed him in some way.
3. Those with
ambivalent attachment styles try to please others since they believe that
this will make them acceptable to be loved by them.
David was never able to please his brothers and it frustrated him.
He was such a great performer for King Saul that all the people
loved him. Saul felt threatened by
him when the women sang that David had killed his ten thousands and Saul
only his thousands.
1Sa 18:7 And the women answered one
another as they played, and said, Saul hath slain his thousands, and David
his ten thousands. 8 And Saul was
very wroth, and the saying displeased him; and he said, They have ascribed
unto David ten thousands, and to me they have ascribed but thousands: and
what can he have more but the kingdom?9 And Saul eyed David
from that day and forward.
4. The ambivalent attacher will continue to
pursue unreliable attachment figures even after they prove themselves unsafe
hoping to perform well enough to be accepted by them.
Even when King Saul was trying to kill David, David continued to
try to be reconciled to Saul through Jonathan.
David even spared King Saul’s life twice trying to prove that he was not
Saul’s enemy. He was still not able to please
Saul. After Saul died, he lamented him on an equal
basis with Jonathan.
1Sa 24:10 Behold, this day thine eyes have seen how that the LORD had delivered thee to day into mine hand in the cave: and some bade me kill thee: but mine eye spared thee; and I said, I will not put forth mine hand against my lord; for he is the LORD’S anointed. 11 Moreover, my father, see, yea, see the skirt of thy robe in my hand: for in that I cut off the skirt of thy robe, and killed thee not, know thou and see that there is neither evil nor transgression in mine hand, and I have not sinned against thee; yet thou huntest my soul to take it. 12 The LORD judge between me and thee, and the LORD avenge me of thee: but mine hand shall not be upon thee.
26:23 The
LORD render to every man his righteousness and his faithfulness: for the
LORD delivered thee into my hand to day, but I would not stretch forth mine
hand against the LORD’S anointed. 24 And, behold, as thy
life was much set by this day in mine eyes, so let my life be much set by in
the eyes of the LORD, and let him deliver me out of all tribulation.
2 Sa 1:17 And David lamented with this lamentation over Saul and over Jonathan his son:
The Avoidant Attachment
Style
As we continue our story, we are introduced to Michal.
She is a clear example of an avoidant attachment style.
1. Those with
avoidant attachment styles believe that they are worthy of love and able to
obtain it. Michal, Saul’s
second daughter is an example of this.
Her name means, “who is like God.”
Probably being brought up as a daughter of a king made her feel
that she was worthy of love.
However, her name makes it clear that she had a tendency to want to be like
God or be her own god, relying only on herself.
2. Avoidant attachers do not view others as safe attachment figures. Michal was definitely not viewed by King Saul as important, since he offered her to David as a wife in an attempt to have David killed while he was trying to obtain the dowry and “to be a snare for him.” It appears King Saul was shocked when she fell in love with David, possibly because he was never able to connect with her himself.
1 Sa 18:20 And Michal Saul’s daughter
loved David: and they told Saul, and the thing pleased him.
3. Avoidants trust
only themselves, get their needs met though performance, and attach
superficially. They also value
performance in others. Michal fell
in love with David, the ultimate performer in Israel.
She even risked her life to help him escape from her father, but
afterward easily changed
attachments to her new husband Phalti (my deliverance) the son of Laish
(lion), which was of Gallim (springs).
From Phalti’s name and heritage, he also seems to have been quite
a performer and deeply in love with Michal.
This is clear from the fact that he followed her crying, when King
David had her brought back to him.
He also may have been a secure attacher, like Jonathan.
1 Sa 19:11 Saul also
sent messengers unto David‘s house, to watch him, and to slay him in the
morning: and Michal David‘s wife told him, saying, If thou save not thy life
to night, to morrow thou shalt be slain. 12 So Michal let
David down through a window: and he went, and fled, and escaped.
13 And
Michal took an image, and laid it in the bed, and put a pillow of goats’
hair for his bolster, and covered it with a cloth. 17 And
Saul said unto Michal, Why hast thou deceived me so, and sent away mine
enemy, that he is escaped? And Michal answered Saul, He said unto me, Let me
go; why should I kill thee? 25:44 But Saul had given Michal his
daughter, David’s wife, to Phalti the son of Laish, which was of Gallim.
2 Sa 3:14 And David sent messengers to Ishbosheth Saul’s son,
saying, Deliver me my wife Michal, which I espoused to me for an hundred
foreskins of the Philistines. 15 And Ishbosheth sent, and
took her from her husband, even from Phaltiel the son of Laish. 16
And her husband went with her along weeping behind her to Bahurim. Then
said Abner unto him, Go, return. And he returned.
4.
Because those with an avoidant attachment style strongly believe that
others are not safe, it is extremely difficult for anyone to convince them
otherwise. David acted insensitively when he required Abner
to bring Michal back to him as part of a peace treaty. He did
not even ask Michal if she wanted to come back to him. As a
result, after David danced before the Ark, Michal quickly reached the
conclusion that David could not be trusted and was showing off to the other
women.
2 Sa 6:20 Then David returned to bless
his household. And Michal the daughter of Saul came out to meet David, and
said, How glorious was the king of Israel to day, who uncovered himself to
day in the eyes of the handmaids of his servants, as one of the vain fellows
shamelessly uncovereth himself! 21 And David said unto
Michal, It was before the LORD, which chose me before thy father, and before
all his house, to appoint me ruler over the people of the LORD, over Israel:
therefore will I play before the LORD.
5. When confronted with someone they
see as untrustworthy, unavailable, or insensitive, the avoidant easily
detaches emotionally, but may remain in the relationship.
David’s reaction to Michael was clearly insensitive and, since he
now had a number of other wives, he was not as available as he had been
before. Although it is not clear which one
detached, we are told that “Therefore” Michal had no more children,
suggesting that as a consequence of this attachment wound, they no longer
had sex (or for some other reason she was unable to have children.)
2 Sa 6:23
Therefore Michal the daughter of Saul had no child unto the day of her
death. 21:8 But the king
took the two sons of Rizpah the daughter of Aiah, whom she bare unto Saul,
Armoni and Mephibosheth; and the five sons of Michal the daughter of Saul,
whom she brought up for Adriel the son of Barzillai the Meholathite:
9 And he delivered them into the hands of
the Gibeonites, and they hanged them in the hill before the LORD: and they
fell all seven together, and were put to death in the days of harvest, in
the first days, in the beginning of barley harvest.
The Disorganized
Attachment Style
King Saul is a clear example of a person with a disorganized attachment style.
1. Those with a
disorganized attachment style do not believe that they are worthy of love or
capable of obtaining love from others.
King Saul was so insecure that he hid in the baggage when he was
to be crowned king. When David was
successful in battle, Saul became jealous of him.
Jealousy is a clear sign of feelings of inferiority.
Twice, when David spared his life, he said to David that David was
a better man than he was.
1Sa 10:20 And when Samuel had caused all the tribes of Israel to come near, the tribe of Benjamin was taken. 21 When he had caused the tribe of Benjamin to come near by their families, the family of Matri was taken, and Saul the son of Kish was taken: and when they sought him, he could not be found. 22 Therefore they enquired of the LORD further, if the man should yet come thither. And the LORD answered, Behold, he hath hid himself among the stuff. 23 And they ran and fetched him thence: and when he stood among the people, he was higher than any of the people from his shoulders and upward. 24:17 And he (Saul) said to David, Thou art more righteous than I: for thou hast rewarded me good, whereas I have rewarded thee evil. 26:21 Then said Saul, I have sinned: return, my son David: for I will no more do thee harm, because my soul was precious in thine eyes this day: behold, I have played the fool, and have erred exceedingly.
1 Sa 22:17
And the king said unto the footmen that stood about him, Turn, and slay the
priests of the LORD; because their hand also is with David, and because they
knew when he fled, and did not shew it to me. But the servants of the king
would not put forth their hand to fall upon the priests of the LORD.
18 And the king said to Doeg, Turn
thou, and fall upon the priests. And Doeg the Edomite turned, and he fell
upon the priests, and slew on that day fourscore and five persons that did
wear a linen ephod.
19
And Nob, the city of the priests, smote he with the
edge of the sword, both men And women, children and sucklings, and oxen, and
asses, and sheep, with the edge of the sword.
3. Many disorganized attachers have histories of being abused, abusing others or failing to meet the expectations of others. Consequently, they seem to be confused as to what they really want. A child, who sometimes is comforted and sometimes rejected and treated roughly, will not know whether to seek out or run from their attachment figure when they need comfort. They may even run to a stranger who they see as a safer risk. Saul had unsuccessfully tried to find his father’s donkeys. Donkeys stand for capabilities suggesting that Saul could never be good enough for his father.
4.
The disorganized attachment style exhibits the characteristics of both
the ambivalent and the avoidant styles.
This is because they see themselves as unworthy of love and others
as unreliable to show them love. King Saul wavered
between trying to please Samuel and God and trying to please the people.
He both admired David and wanted to kill him.
1 Sa 15:20 And Saul said
unto Samuel, Yea, I have obeyed the voice of the LORD, and have gone the way
which the LORD sent me, and have brought Agag the king of Amalek, and have
utterly destroyed the Amalekites. 24 And
Saul said unto Samuel, I have sinned: for I have transgressed the
commandment of the LORD, and thy words: because I feared the people, and
obeyed their voice. 30 Then he said, I have
sinned: yet honour me now, I pray thee, before the elders of my people, and
before Israel, and turn again with me, that I may worship the LORD thy God.
31 So Samuel turned again after Saul; and Saul
worshipped the LORD.
5. Disorganized
attachers many times are emotionally distraught.
Because they see their attachment needs as catastrophic, they
overreact to attachment issues in order to force others to attach to them.
Saul expressed his attachment distress by throwing javelins and
was tormented emotionally.
1 Sa 18:10 And it came to pass on the morrow, that the evil spirit from God came upon Saul, and he prophesied in the midst of the house: and David played with his hand, as at other times: and there was a javelin in Saul‘s hand.
1 Sa 18:11 And Saul cast the javelin; for he said, I will smite David even to the wall with it. And David avoided out of his presence twice. 12 And Saul was afraid of David, because the LORD was with him, and was departed from Saul.
6. Those with a disorganized attachment style will sometimes become so emotionally distraught that they will threaten to or even commit suicide. When he was defeated and wounded in battle, Saul chose to kill himself rather than face his failure or try to escape from the enemy forces.
1 Sa 31:3 And the battle went sore
against Saul, and the archers hit him; and he was sore wounded of the
archers.
Changing Attachment Styles
Because attachments styles are developed through our experiences, they can
be difficult to change. However,
through developing healthy faith in God and associating with others who do
have secure attachment styles, it is possible to turn an insecure style of
attachment into a secure one. Let
us examine the steps required to do this.
1.
We must be saved and believe that God will meet all our needs in order to
feel secure and overcome our selfishness.
Do you remember the process of salvation by faith discussed
earlier in this book? Without
committing our lives to God and believing that He will meet all of our
needs, we will never be secure and will never be able to overcome the
selfishness in our lives.
Therefore, salvation by faith is the first essential step to overcoming
insecure attachment problems.
Php 4: 19 But my God shall supply all your
need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.
2. God
is the ultimate attachment figure because He loves us unconditionally, will
never abandon us, can never fail us, is always available, and is emotionally
sensitive to us. When He was
here on earth, He experienced what we feel.
Consequently, having a deep trusting relationship with God is a
key ingredient to rebuilding the trust required to have a secure attachment
style.
Ro 5:8 But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
Heb 13:5 Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.
Ro 8:31 What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?
Heb 4: 14 Seeing then that we have a
great high priest, that is passed into the heavens, Jesus the Son of God,
let us hold fast our profession. 15
For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling
of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet
without sin.
3. We
need to see ourselves as God sees us—one of His dear children who He loves
without any regard to our works or even our failures.
We are loved by God and nothing can separate us from that love.
Even after David committed adultery with Bathsheba and murdered
Uriah, David learned to accept himself as God did and went on with his life
trusting in the forgiveness of God.
However, it took David a significant period of time to overcome his
insecure attachment style.
Ro 8:38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, 39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Ps 51:1 Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions.2 Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. 3 For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me. 10 Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. 11 Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me. 12 Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit.
Ga 3:26 For ye are all the children of God by faith in Christ Jesus.
Ps 118:8 It is better to trust in the LORD
than to put confidence in man.
Jo 2:23 Now when he
was in Jerusalem at the passover, in the feast day, many believed in his
name, when they saw the miracles which he did. 24 But
Jesus did not commit himself unto them, because he knew all men,
25 And needed not that any should testify of
man: for he knew what was in man.
6.
Insecure attachment
styles are changed through the experiences of healthy earthly
and heavenly attachments.
David was greatly influenced through his healthy attachment with Jonathan.
He even honored Jonathan by sparing Jonathan’s son’s life,
treating him as one of his own sons and having Jonathan’s son eat at his own
table. David was a man after God’s
own heart, and his level of attachment to God is clear from his desire to
build a wonderful temple for God.
2 Sa 9:7 And David said unto him, Fear not: for I will surely shew thee kindness for Jonathan thy father’s sake, and will restore thee all the land of Saul thy father; and thou shalt eat bread at my table continually. 21:7 But the king spared Mephibosheth, the son of Jonathan the son of Saul, because of the LORD’S oath that was between them, between David and Jonathan the son of Saul.
1Chr 22:7
And David said to Solomon, My son, as for me, it was in my mind to build an
house unto the name of the LORD my God: 8
But the word of the LORD came to me, saying, Thou hast shed blood
abundantly, and hast made great wars: thou shalt not build an house unto my
name, because thou hast shed much blood upon the earth in my sight.
6.
We must start giving unconditional love and securely attach
ourselves to others in order to receive unconditional love in return.
According to the paradox of love, we can receive unconditional
love only when we sow or give unconditional love to others with no strings
attached.
Ga 6:7 Be not deceived; God is not mocked:
for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.
7. Without the experience of secure attachments, most people will continue in their insecure attachment styles for the remainder of their lives and lose out on loving and feeling loved. King Saul went to his death feeling deserted by God and dishonored in battle. Michal lost out on having a loving relationship with David and even had her five adopted children executed by David. We can only guess what a bitter existence she lived until her death, especially as she watched while Bathsheba eventually took Michal’s place in David’s heart.
2 Sa 12:24 And David comforted Bathsheba his wife, and went in unto her, and lay with her: and she bare a son, and he called his name Solomon: and the LORD loved him
1 Sa 28:15
And Samuel said to Saul, Why hast thou disquieted me, to bring me
up? And Saul answered, I am sore distressed; for the Philistines make war
against me, and God is departed from me, and answereth me no more, neither
by prophets, nor by dreams: therefore I have called thee, that thou mayest
make known unto me what I shall do. 16
Then said Samuel, Wherefore then dost thou ask of me, seeing the
LORD is departed from thee, and is become thine enemy?
8.
We have finally achieved a secure attachment style when we are able to
deeply and unconditionally attach and love others. When
Jonathan and Saul were killed, David greatly mourned over them.
Even after Absalom rebelled against him and was killed by Joab, David was so
attached that “he wished he could have died instead of him.”
From all this, we see that through the healthy relationships with Jonathan
and God, David was finally able to change his insecure ambivalent style into
a secure attachment style.
2 Sa 1:23 Saul and Jonathan were lovely and pleasant in their lives, and in their death they were not divided: they were swifter than eagles, they were stronger than lions. 25 How are the mighty fallen in the midst of the battle! O Jonathan, thou wast slain in thine high places. 26 I am distressed for thee, my brother Jonathan: very pleasant hast thou been unto me: thy love to me was wonderful, passing the love of women.
2 Sa 18:33 And the king was much moved, and went up to the chamber over the gate, and wept: and as he went, thus he said, O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! would God I had died for thee, O Absalom, my son, my son!
Developing Healthy Attachments
1. Healthy or secure attachments lead to love, and love is the very
essence of God. We learn to love others by
experiencing love.
2. Those with insecure
attachments perceive themselves as undeserving or
3. The
first step in overcoming insecure attachment styles is to see ourselves and
others as God does—made in His image, very good, but in the process of being
delivered from sin.
4. We
must see ourselves as valuable simply because God made us in His
5. We must make God our primary attachment
figure since He cannot fail,
6. We
should seek out and attach to secure attachment figures, as well as
7.
We are to do what is right in all circumstances and love others, having
For videos on this subject select the links below:
1. Love, Attachment and the Model of Jonathan, David, Michael and Saul
The written material information presented above comes from