Biblical Answers for Boundaries and Assertiveness
The Biblical Principles of boundaries, covenants, and assertiveness
When chaos exists, it is either because there
are no boundaries, laws, rules, or agreements; or because people have
refused to follow those boundaries.
This problem is typified in the Bible in Judges 17:6 through
Judges 21:25 where it states, “In those days there was no king in Israel,
but every man did that which was
right in his own eyes.”
In this situation people try to control and manipulate each
other in order to get their needs met.
Whoever is strongest wins.
When people feel controlled, they are offended and
rebel, making more control necessary.
When these kinds of problems exist, the Bible resorts to a
solution called a covenant.
God’s laws are the boundary lines of His covenants with Abraham,
Noah, Israel, and with us.
If we obey them, we will be blessed.
If we violate them, we will suffer consequences.
Boundaries or covenants are a primary method for
externally controlling our actions in life. To
be assertive is to respect others boundaries, set and defend your own
healthy boundaries, and to do it in a way that causes the least offense.
This is the skill everyone of us must develop if we wish to have and
maintain a peaceful life.
Ge 2:16
And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every
tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat:
De 10:13
To keep the commandments of the LORD, and his statutes, which
I command thee this day for thy good?
2.
Sometimes covenants are primarily a one-sided promise.
God promised Noah and all mankind that He would
never again destroy the earth by water.
He placed a reminder of this covenant in the sky—the
rainbow.
Genesis 9:11 And I will establish my covenant with you; neither shall all flesh be cut off any more by the waters of a flood; neither shall there any more be a flood to destroy the earth.
4.
Even disputes with a long history of abuse can be
resolved through a covenant.
Ge 31:26
And Laban said to Jacob, What hast thou done, that thou hast
stolen away unawares to me, and carried away my daughters, as captives taken
with the sword?
5.
The first step is to agree to make a covenant and provide
a witness of the agreement.
In counseling, this is many times done by recording it in the
notes of the counseling session.
This is done so that any time in the future if there is any
question as to what was agreed upon, the permanent record can be consulted.
If both are Christians, God can be called upon to be
the witness of the agreement as is the case in the marriage vow.
Ge 31:44
Now therefore come thou, let us make a covenant, I and thou;
and let it be for a witness between me and thee.
6.
The
provisions of the agreement must be spelled out in very exact and
quantifiable terms.
If the line is not exactly specified, confusion and conflict can
result from different interpretations of the agreement.
As an example, if a time is included, the source of
the time, such as a specific clock or international atomic time needs to be
specified so that it is clear to both parties exactly when a violation of
that time has occurred.
Ge 31:50 If thou shalt afflict my daughters, or if thou shalt take other wives beside my daughters, no man is with us; see, God is witness betwixt me and thee.
7.
The punishment or consequences of any transgression must
be specified in advance. In this case, any violation
could be appealed to Jacob’s father Isaac, who was still alive.
Ge 31:53 The God of Abraham, and the
God of Nahor, the God of their father, judge betwixt us. And Jacob sware by
the fear of his father Isaac.
8.
It is good to mark the agreement with a celebration as a
sign of reconciliation.
Although, in this case, we are not told that all the issues from the
past were forgiven, the fact that they ate together, strongly implies that
they were completely reconciled.
It is much easier to forgive the past when provisions have
been made to avoid future repetition of the problems.
Ge 31:54
Then Jacob offered sacrifice upon the mount, and called his
brethren to eat bread: and they did eat bread, and tarried all night in the
mount.
9.
Jesus, Himself, demonstrated the use of good boundaries
when He dealt with Judas’ betrayal.
a.
He identified the boundary line that was not to be violated.
A disciple to whom Jesus had given three years of
his life, friendship, and training should not betray Him to His enemies.
Lu 22:21 But,
behold, the hand of him that betrayeth me is with me on the
table.
b. Jesus let Judas know the consequences of betraying him would be
catastrophic.Mt 26:24 The Son of man goeth as it
is written of him: but woe unto that man by whom the Son of man is betrayed!
it had been good for that man if he had not been born.
c.
Jesus tried one last time to reach out to Judas in love.
As a sign of love and honor Jesus gave Judas a piece
of meat on a stick called a sop.
Jo 13:25 He then lying on Jesus' breast saith unto him, Lord, who is it?
d.
Then Jesus challenged Judas to make up his mind and repent, or go
ahead and violate the boundary that Jesus had set, and receive the dire
consequences.
Unfortunately, Judas chose to violate the boundary.
He later hanged himself.
Jo 13:27
And after the sop Satan entered into him.
Then said Jesus unto him, That thou doest, do
quickly.
Matthew 27:5
And he cast down the pieces of silver in the temple,
and departed, and went and hanged himself.
10.
Covenants imply a personal relationship and union with the
other party.
Therefore, we are not to make covenants with God’s enemies or those
involving false gods or religions.
Ex 23:32
Thou shalt make no covenant with them, nor with their gods.
Ex 34:12
Take heed to thyself, lest thou make a covenant with the
inhabitants of the land whither thou goest, lest it be for a snare in the
midst of thee:
2Co 6:14
Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what
fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath
light with darkness?
11.
Covenants can be the basis of great blessing if
they are followed or they can make it abundantly clear that intentional
violations have occurred.
De 8:18
But thou shalt remember the LORD thy God: for it is he that
giveth thee power to get wealth, that he may establish his covenant which he
sware unto thy fathers, as it is this day.
1 Ki 11:11
Wherefore the LORD said unto Solomon, Forasmuch as this is
done of thee, and thou hast not kept my covenant and my statutes, which I
have commanded thee, I will surely rend the kingdom from thee, and will give
it to thy servant.
12.
Covenants can be used to cement powerful friendships.
When we make a personal covenant with another
person, all that we have is made available to them if they need it and all
that they have is available to us.
What a wonderful revelation it is to realize that because of
our covenant with God, all that He owns (everything) is ours if we need it.
Of course, in return we are expected to be willing
to sacrifice all that we have for Him.
1 Sa 23:18
And they two made a covenant before the LORD: and David abode
in the wood, and Jonathan went to his house.
2 Ki 13:23
And the LORD was gracious unto them, and had compassion on
them, and had respect unto them, because of his covenant with Abraham,
Isaac, and Jacob, and would not destroy them, neither cast he them from his
presence as yet.
13.
We can also make self-covenants or self-boundaries.
These are agreements with ourselves to do or refrain
from specific things.
These are critical for having peace in our lives.
Job
31:1 I made a covenant
with mine eyes; why then should I think upon a maid?
14.
We need to be fully committed with all our heart
to fulfilling our covenants, especially our covenant with God.
2 Ki 23:3
And the king stood by a pillar, and made a covenant before
the LORD, to walk after the LORD, and to keep his commandments and his
testimonies and his statutes with all their heart and all their soul, to
perform the words of this covenant that were written in this book. And all
the people stood to the covenant.
2 Chr 15:12
And they entered into a covenant to seek the LORD God of
their fathers with all their heart and with all their soul;
15.
Covenants are forever, so they are not to be taken lightly.
1 Chr 16:15
Be ye mindful always of his covenant; the word which he
commanded to a thousand generations;
Jer 33:20
Thus saith the LORD; If ye can break my covenant of
the day, and my covenant of the night, and that there should not be day and
night in their season;
Ps 89:34
My covenant will I not break, nor alter the thing that is
gone out of my lips.
16.
Because we humans failed to keep the old covenant, God
replaced it with the new covenant (or testament) in which He, through the
Spirit, placed the laws of the covenant into our hearts through His Spirit
and forgave all of our sins.
Heb 8:10
For this is the covenant that I will make with the house of
Israel after those days, saith the Lord; I will put my laws into their mind,
and write them in their hearts: and I will be to them a God, and they shall
be to me a people:
Ro 11:27 For this is my covenant unto
them, when I shall take away their sins.
Lu 22:17
And he took the cup, and gave thanks, and said, Take this,
and divide it among yourselves:
18.
Jesus is the mediator and guarantor of the new covenant.
In the ancient world, it was the job of the witness
of the covenant to enforce and punish any violations of the covenant.
(Kenyon, 1969)
Hebrews 8:6
But now hath he obtained a more excellent ministry, by how
much also he is the mediator of a better covenant, which was established
upon better promises.
19.
Because God established the new covenant through the death
of Jesus and has made greater provision for us, if we chose to violate or
ignore it, the punishment will be greater.
Hebrews 10:29 Of how much sorer
punishment, suppose ye, shall he be thought worthy, who hath trodden under
foot the Son of God, and hath counted the blood of the covenant, wherewith
he was sanctified, an unholy thing, and hath done despite unto the Spirit of
grace?
Counseling Methods and Techniques
2.
Mutual boundaries are the heart of a
relationship recovery process.
Marital conflict and codependency are good examples of the
application of boundaries as being very helpful.
The heart of any relationship recovery process is
the establishment of mutually acceptable boundaries.
When a marriage is based on win-win boundary
agreements, most of the conflicts are easily resolved.
When a family, including the older children, set
family rules, the children can only blame themselves if they get the
agreed-upon consequences.
In codependent relationships, it is the boundary agreements that
help the people involved
find the balance between being too dependent or too independent.
3.
Tripwires are needed in cases of
extreme abuse. The
concept of tripwires suggests
that we can have multiple sets of boundaries against angry behavior so that the behavior can be stopped at the earliest opportunity. As an example, in a domestically violent family, if one person raises their voice, they may be required to leave the room for thirty minutes; if they cuss or verbally attack someone, they have to leave for a day; and if they throw, break, or threaten someone, they must leave for a week. The idea is to stop even the lower level behaviors before they escalate into violence.
The Boundaries Model of Rebuilding Jerusalem, the City of Peace
When people grow up attempting to cope
with alcoholic, dysfunctional, abusive, or emotionally distant families,
they usually develop low self-image and fail to establish healthy personal
boundaries. This lack of boundaries results in a chaotic lifestyle.
This is easy to understand when you consider what would happen in a city if
no one knew who owned any of the property or the location of any of the
property boundaries. The name Perizzite means, “belonging to a
village.” In Bible times, villages were small, not very important, and
lacked the walls necessary for their defense. Therefore, this biblical
type implies that where the person lives is small or not very important (low
self-image) and that the place has no walls and adequate defenses (lack of
personal boundaries).
Establishing Boundaries
One of the universal results of
dysfunctional or abusive relationships is the violation of personal
boundaries. Personal boundaries are critical in the development and
maintenance of healthy relationships. Personal boundaries are similar
to physical boundaries. They tell us who owns the land, who is
responsible for it, and where the property begins and ends. Personal
boundaries tell us what is mine and what is not mine, what I am responsible
for, and what I am not responsible for, what choices are mine, and what I am
free to control. They help a person to keep the good in and the bad
out. Compliants or codependent dependents allow the bad in.
Avoidants or codependent avoidants keep the good out. Controllers or
codependent independents disrespect other's boundaries and rarely maintain
healthy boundaries themselves. (Cloud, 1992)
Laws are clear examples of boundaries.
There are three specific steps in setting boundaries: 1. Agree on
exactly what or where the boundary line will be. As an example, the
law states that everyone must drive at or below the posted speed limit.
2. Agree on the consequences for violating the boundary. Again,
in this example, the consequence for violating the law or boundary would be
to pay a specific fine if they are caught. 3. Make it clear that
each person may drive above the speed limit if they are willing to pay the
fine if they are caught. Of course, the idea of having a boundary is
that it not be violated. In order for this to occur, the consequence
must be significant enough to deter the violation of the boundary. The
more important the boundary violation, the greater the required consequence.
The true objective in setting boundaries is to ensure that the person who
violates the boundary receives the consequences of his choice so that he can
learn from it.
When boundaries do
not exist or when they are confused, a person's life becomes unmanageable.
In Bible times, this problem was like a city where the walls had been
destroyed and the gates burned. Such a town was utterly defenseless.
The city of Jerusalem in the book of Nehemiah, following its destruction by
the Babylonians, was without walls or gates. It symbolically
represents the state of the person scarred by sin and abuse. After the
temple (of the spirit) was restored in 458 BC (a type of our initial
salvation experience and the development or rebuilding of our spiritual
life), it was now time for the walls of the city (the soul) to be rebuilt in
444 BC. Without the walls and gates of effective personal boundaries,
the person’s spirit will continually be affected by outside influences,
which will try to control the soul (the city of Jerusalem). Jerusalem
means “city of Peace.” Symbolically, without effective boundaries we can
never have peace in our soul.
1. The restoration of personal boundaries requires
the establishment of an identity and good personal choices.
The identity is represented by the fixed boundaries of the walls, and our
personal choices (which are based on values and principles) are represented
by the gates. The doors stand for our will, and it is our choice
whether we will open or shut the gate to particular influences or events.
It should be noted that a codependent lacks an identity and consistently
makes poor choices. He is such a people-pleaser that he changes his
identity to fit in wherever he goes. What color is a chameleon?
It has no color identity, just as a codependent has no personal identity.
He tries to obtain an identity from those he associates with. He
constantly wants others to make choices for him, so that he does not have to
take responsibility for those choices and face rejection or failure.
Because of this, sometimes he seems almost passive except when action is
required to insure that his selfish needs are met.
2. Each person will have problems with particular
boundaries depending on his life experiences. In
Nehemiah, the gates help us identify the most usual problem areas. The
gates define the selective or complex boundaries, which determine what we
will allow into or prohibit from our souls. (For a more detailed
explanation of these gates, see my book Revelations That
Set You Free.) Here is the symbology as I best
understand it:
Valley gate
Low experiences of life and failures
Fountain gate
Spiritual experiences of life
Sheep gate
Relationships with people
Fish gate
Worldly physical and psychological nourishment
Old gate Past experiences, traditions, and ways of doing things
Dung gate
Guilt and shameful experiences
Water gate
Physical and spiritual experiences
Horse gate
Capabilities we rely on to accomplish things
East gate
Expectations of the future, dreams, visions, and hopes
Miphkad gate
Influence of other people in our lives
Ephraim gate
Fruitfulness and productivity in life
Prison gate
Bondages, habits, lusts, and addictions
3. It is the Holy Spirit's job, with the help of
God's grace, to bring restoration. Nehemiah means
"Jehovah comforts" or the comforter, which is another name for the Holy
Spirit. His father's name, Hachaliah means, "whom Jehovah enlightens"
which is one of the functions of the Holy Spirit. The news that
Jerusalem's walls and gates were broken down was brought to Nehemiah by his
brother, Hanani, which means "gracious," one of the main characteristics of
the Holy Spirit.
4. Sin is the root cause of a lack of boundaries
which brings great affliction. Hanani describes
the situation in Nehemiah 1:3 as "The remnant that are left of the captivity
there in the province [are] in great affliction and reproach: the wall of
Jerusalem also [is] broken down, and the gates thereof are burned with
fire." In his prayer, Nehemiah makes it clear that the destruction of
Jerusalem, the captivity of the Israelites, and their affliction were the
direct result of sin. Sometimes the sin or dysfunction involved can go
back several generations.
5. The Holy Spirit is greatly distressed by the
chaotic life of the abused person. Nehemiah (the
Holy Spirit) says in Nehemiah 1:4, "And it came to pass, when I heard
these words, that I sat down and wept, and mourned [certain] days, and
fasted, and prayed before the God of heaven..."
6. The first step is confessing the sins which
resulted in the lack of personal boundaries. The
first thing Nehemiah did was to pray and confess the sins of the people.
(Nehemiah 1:6-7)
7. Rebuilding of the boundaries begins with faith.
Hanani came to Nehemiah in the month Chisleu which means "His confidence" or
faith. Nehemiah also expressed his faith in the promise of God that if
the children of Israel would return to God, He would bring them back to
Jerusalem (the city of peace) and restore the city. We must believe
that God is willing and able to restore our personalities and personal
boundaries.
10. It takes many people working together to
restore the numerous boundary deficits. A very
large number of people from all walks of life are named as working on the
wall. It takes a lot of people—pastors, friends, relatives,
co-workers, counselors, and support groups—to eventually help establish
healthy boundaries.
11. The abused person usually feels overwhelmed by
emotions at the immensity of the task, and how long it will take.
Sanballat was joined by the Arabians (mixed emotions), the Ammonites
(selfish desires), and the Ashdodotes (self-destructive feelings) in the
resistance.
13. One of the most important tools for
establishing boundaries and developing an identity is preaching.
Nehemiah constantly kept the trumpet by him in order to sound the warning.
I believe the trumpet stands for preaching which challenges the person
lacking boundaries to set and maintain appropriate boundary values.
This provides the material for developing a Christian identity.
14. Identifying and joining with a solid,
biblically-based local church is important.
Nehemiah asked everyone to lodge within Jerusalem day and night. A
close, intimate relationship with other Christians is critical to out
spiritual growth. They were so involved in building the city and
defending themselves that they did not even take off their clothes except to
wash. In the same way the abused person must learn to always wear and
not take off Christ’s character or the armor of God.
15. When establishing boundaries, respect for the
boundaries of others is equally important. Some
of those building the walls had taken advantage of the other builders.
Nehemiah immediately put a stop to this. Unfortunately, boundaries can
be used selfishly. The Christian must be as careful not to violate
other people's boundaries as he is in defending his own. When clients
learn about boundaries, many initially use them excessively as a method of
control. A respect for all boundaries is the basis of what is today
called assertiveness.
16. The flesh will try to divert us into doing
something else before the task is done.
17. Sometimes people are afraid that setting
boundaries is selfish and prideful. Sanballat
sent a letter saying that Nehemiah was going to rebel against the King and
had made himself king. This and many other boundary myths are just
diversions. Although some people believe that boundaries are means of
controlling others, they are not control because they do not take away the
person's free choice. Even Christians sometimes question if boundary
setting is biblical. Jesus used good boundaries and much of the Sermon
on the Mount deals with this. Possibly the best example in the Bible
is Jesus' attempt to restore Judas at the Last Supper. He clearly
stated that this betrayal by a disciple was wrong, that the consequences if
a man chose to do this would be so bad that "it would be better if that man
had not been born," and then directed Judas to do whatever he chose to do
quickly. (Matthew 26, John 13)
18. Emotional withdrawal due to fear must be
overcome. There is a temptation to withdraw from
relationships rather than face our boundary problems. Shemaiah
suggested that Nehemiah would be slain, and that he should hide in the
temple for protection. This represents emotional withdrawal.
Nehemiah 8:13 even suggested that it would be a sin to withdraw from the
work out of fear. When a person attempts to avoid what is feared, the
fear increases.
19. It takes a long time to finish the task.
It took Nehemiah 12 years! He charged nothing for his work.
Similarly, the Holy Spirit gives to us freely.
20. When a Christian has a true personality
transformation and maintains healthy boundaries, it gives glory to God.
When the walls were finished, everyone realized that it had been done by
God.
21. Once boundaries are established, the new
personality must rely on God's favor to meet all of its needs and yield
control to the grace of God through faith. Hanani
(grace) and Hananiah (Jehovah has favored) were appointed rulers.
22. When established, the new boundaries must be
exercised to keep the good in and the bad out.
The gates were only opened in broad daylight and guarded when they were
open. Some of the most important self-boundary areas to be controlled
are mentioned in the final verses of this book: 1. Sin must be put out
of our lives through confession and fasting. 2. Lust
(Moabites) and selfish desires (Ammonites) must be excluded forever.
3. Violators of God's Sabbath law (the flesh) must be excluded.
4. Friends and marriage partners should be believers. 5. God’s
Word was to be brought into the city (our souls). 6. We must
maintain our joy because "the joy of the LORD is your strength.”
(Nehemiah 8:1) 7. God’s blessings must be remembered (they
celebrated the Feast of Booths). 8. Our covenant with God must
be re-established.
Recovery involves a day-to-day practical working out of boundary problems in
the client’s life. In order to teach boundaries, I use
Boundaries (Cloud and Townsend) and the
associated workbook. I also sometimes use these books as resources in
our Codependency and Abuse Recovery Support Groups.
Steps for Overcoming a Chaotic Lifestyle
1.
The root problem of a chaotic
lifestyle is lack of effective personal boundaries due to codependency,
abuse, a dysfunctional past, or lack in childhood training.
2.
The client must realize that
control, manipulation, and returning evil for evil does not work, and choose
to learn to use boundaries effectively.
3.
Past patterns of abuse, dysfunction,
or codependency must be faced and dealt with so that the client will be
strong enough to set boundaries and consistently carry out the consequences
when boundaries are violated in his life.
4.
The client must learn to assertively
respond to boundary violations from others. He must avoid passive,
passive-aggressive, and aggressive reactions to these violations.
5.
The client must learn to communicate
what he expects in his relationships with other people and help them to
understand the natural consequences of violating each boundary.
6.
He must begin setting boundaries and
consistently carry out the consequences in his relationships without going
overboard and using boundaries to try to control others.
7.
He must set others free to make
their own choices and learn from their own consequences, trusting God to
meet his own needs.
8. The client must respect other’s boundaries, communicate boundaries in a loving manner, and develop an assertive lifestyle.
For videos on this subject select the links below:
1. The Principles of Covanants or Boundaries (Lesson 6) [Start 37:40]
2. Boundaries-The model of Nehimiah Rebuilding Jersusalem
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