Biblical Answers for Dysfunctional and
Healthy Famlies
Dysfunctional families are characterized by
emotionally needy people and a lack of effective healthy boundaries.
They are usually the result of negative experiences growing up in an
abusive, codependent, addictive, or otherwise dysfunctional family of
origin. Children from these families are usually insecure,
codependent, and lack any understanding of healthy boundaries.
Applying boundaries to dysfunctional family situations has become an
important part of marriage and family counseling today. Boundaries are
the very basis of healthy relationships, and the perceived violation of
boundaries is the basis of all offenses. The improper handling of
offenses leads to a root of bitterness that is a significant factor in the
majority of marriage failures.
Marital Difficulties
In a seminar that I was teaching I made the
statement, “Marriage can be heaven or hell on this earth. It is your
choice which it will be.” Because of the high expectations and
tremendous possibility for love and teamwork in a marriage, marriage also
contains the potential for tremendous pain, disappointment, and betrayal.
If a couple reacts out of their pain, things can easily escalate out of
control.
1. God has a plan for our lives, and this plan usually includes a
compatible mate and a successful marriage. Many times, however, we
have our own ideas of who we want to marry. One of my supervisors once
stated, “When God gave you a helpmate, He was not necessarily giving you
someone to make you happy; but someone who will help you identify and face
the problems in your life.” This definitely seemed to be the case with
David. He was originally supposed to marry King Saul’s elder daughter
Merab. Merab means “to increase.” She was given instead to
Adriel (flock of God) from Mehol (of dancing). Had David married her,
she may have proved in the end to be a greater blessing to him.
2. Satan has a plan to
destroy you through your marriage.
Saul’s actual intention was that David would die trying
to obtain the dowry to win one of Saul’s daughters, and that his daughter
would lead to David’s downfall. That is the intention of Satan.
He wants to use our marriages to bring us down.
1 Sam 18:21
And Saul said, I will give him her, that she may be a snare to
him, and that the hand of the Philistines may be against him.
Wherefore Saul said to David, Thou shalt this day be my son in law
in the one of the twain.
3. The perception of love is
essential to marriage. If a
man feels respected and appreciated, he will do almost anything for his
wife. At its most rudimentary
level, love is “having the other’s best interests in mind.”
This is almost a magical line in marriage.
On one side the couple is on the same team and friends; on the
other they are enemies trying to protect themselves and get their own needs
met. Although Saul asked for the
foreskins of 100 Philistines, David risked his life killing 200 Philistines
to obtain the dowry so that he could marry Michal.
He was willing to do more than he was asked.
Most women judge the love of her husband by what her husband is
willing to sacrifice for her. In
fact, most wives evaluate everything her husband does in their relationship
to answer only one question, “Does he really love me?”
1 Sam 18:25 And Saul said, Thus shall ye
say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of
the Philistines, to be avenged of the king's enemies. But Saul thought
to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines.
1 Sam 19:11
Saul also sent messengers unto David's house, to watch him, and to
slay him in the morning: and Michal David's wife told him, saying, If thou
save not thy life to night, to morrow thou shalt be slain.
12 So Michal let David down through a window:
and he went, and fled, and escaped.
5. Offenses will happen in any marriage. Because poor
communication is so prevalent between husbands and wives, many times more
than half of all the offenses in a marriage were not intended by their mate.
All offenses are caused by perceived boundary violations. In this
case, while Saul was hunting David to kill him, he gave Michal to another
man. Phalti, her second husband, means “my deliverance.” He was
from Laish, which means “lion” which was in Gallim meaning “spring.”
This implies that he was a strong man (lion) who delivered Michal from her
father’s dysfunctional house and brought her a new life (like a spring of
water.)
1 Sam 25:44
But Saul had given Michal his daughter, David's wife, to Phalti
the son of Laish, which was of Gallim.
6. The offenses continue to pile up. After the death of
Saul, David, as part of a peace treaty with Saul’s son Ishbosheth, required
that Michal be returned to him. Her second husband Phalti thought so
much of Michal that he followed along crying until he was ordered by Abner,
the commander of the army, to return home. David never asked her if
she wanted to come back to him. Any time another person’s free will is
violated, a personal boundary violation has occurred. We can only
guess how Michal felt about this since by this time, David had a number of
other wives. Each offense erodes the belief that the other person has
our best interest in mind. To a woman, each offense makes her question
whether her mate truly loves her.
2 Sam 3:14 And David sent messengers
to Ishbosheth Saul's son, saying, Deliver me my wife Michal, which I
espoused to me for an hundred foreskins of the Philistines.
7. Unresolved offenses result in bitterness which eventually turns
into contempt. When David finally succeeded in bringing the Ark of
God back to Jerusalem, Michal was offended by his open exuberance for the
Lord. Possibly, she was jealous that he was happy when she was not.
When a woman feels distance in a relationship, she many times assumes it is
because her husband is interested in other women. She accused him of
shameful behavior, another boundary violation. I suggest that this was
a reaction to the previous offense.
2 Sam 6:16 And
as the ark of the LORD came into the city of David, Michal Saul's daughter
looked through a window, and saw king David leaping and dancing before the
LORD; and she despised him in her heart.
8. Many times a husband will fail to probe for the underlying
reason for his wife’s displeasure and excuse his behavior, not realizing
that he does not understand the real issue. Instead of trying to
understand Michal’s emotional reaction, David reacted in anger, put down her
father Saul, and said he would continue doing what she disliked. It is
not unusual for a husband to violate his wife’s boundaries by discounting
her feelings.
2 Sam 6:21 And David said unto Michal, It
was before the LORD, which chose me before thy father, and before all his
house, to appoint me ruler over the people of the LORD, over Israel:
therefore will I play before the LORD.
9. The conflict may eventually result in the ending of intimacy in
the marriage. Who wants to make love with their enemy?
2 Sam 6:23
Therefore Michal the daughter of Saul had no child unto the day of
her death.
10. When love has left a marriage it results in unmet needs that
can lead to an affair. Approximately ten years later, from his
rooftop, David saw Bathsheba taking a bath. They slept together that
night, she became pregnant, and David subsequently had Uriah, her husband,
killed in order to cover up the affair. David later took Bathsheba as
another of his wives.
11. The bitterness continues until both are fully convinced that
the other no longer has their best interests in mind. When this
happens they both become defensive and critical, and lose their feelings for
each other. When there was a famine in the land because of Saul’s
persecution of the Gibeonites, David offered up Michal’s five adopted sons
for execution. To make matters worse, he spared Jonathan’s son.
Clearly he valued his past relationship with Jonathan more his relationship
with Michal. I believe Michal would have seen what David did as a
personal attack and a gross betrayal of their marriage. There was
probably nothing worse that a husband could do to hurt his wife than to kill
her children (even if they had been adopted). Unfortunately, there
seems to be no limit to the terrible things that mates will do to hurt each
other in an estranged marriage. It is an irony that Michal’s five
adopted children were hung during the days of harvest, a time normally
associated with joy and abundance. Possibly this suggests that their
marriage did not have to turn out this way, but could have been a wonderful
blessing.
2 Sam 21:7
But the king spared Mephibosheth, the son of Jonathan the son of
Saul, because of the LORD'S oath that was between them, between David and
Jonathan the son of Saul. 8
But the king took the two sons of Rizpah the daughter of Aiah, whom she bare
unto Saul, Armoni and Mephibosheth; and the five sons of Michal the
daughter of Saul, whom she brought up for Adriel the son of Barzillai
the Meholathite:
Unfortunately, in our society and churches today, over
half of our marriages have followed a similar pattern that ends in divorce.
Couples who were originally very much in love have ended their relationships
in deep hurt and bitterness. It might even be hard to believe that
many marriages from highly dysfunctional families can ever succeed.
However, as we review the failures in David and Michal’s marriage; we can
see where simple communication skills and the application of effective
boundaries could have changed the entire situation.
1. The very basis of a marriage is a commitment
to have the other’s best interests in mind even when it may require
sacrifice on our part. The first major offense was when David used
his political power to get Michal back. It is true he had every right
to do so, especially in that time in history. But we have to ask the
question if David was truly acting in Michal’s best interest? He had a
number of other wives at this time. He might have thought that what he
was doing was best for everyone, but it appears he never asked her.
Having the other’s best interest in mind is basic to making the other person
feel loved. Without it, a couple feels no better off than living with
an enemy in the same house. Each mate usually concludes that they have
to watch out for themselves, they are usually critical of each other and
very little grace and mercy is shown in the marriage.
2. Issues need to be resolved with solutions where everyone wins.
Most dysfunctional families operate as David and Michal did, resolving
problems with win-lose solutions. Consequently, the person who loses
becomes bitter or expects that he or she should win the next time.
Many times the winner is the one who yells the loudest or has the least to
lose. Mutual win-win agreements must be reached and perceived boundary
violations must be dealt with when they occur. Many couples do not
want to talk things through because trying to do so usually ends in a fight.
If they do not talk, the buried anger will eventually result in bitterness
that will defile the marriage. If a man will not talk things through,
most women feel that they are not loved. This is because most women
use communication to establish closeness in a relationship. Most men
use communication primarily to accomplish tasks.
3. Husbands and wives need to learn how to
understand each other and communicate at a deeper level. When
Michal attacked David for dancing before the Lord without his tunic on, she
was expressing the emotional pain of her marriage. Most men react the
way David did. Had he not discounted her pain, this could have been an
opportunity to understand or at least ask forgiveness for previous offenses.
Like David, most men have not yet learned that a woman sends a primarily
emotional message; and men send technically accurate data. The Bible
directs that we must learn to live with the opposite gender “according to
knowledge.” (1 Peter 3:7) Teaching communication is a large part
of counseling couples.
4. Once communication is established, the couple needs to establish
mutually agreed-upon boundaries. This is done by identifying areas
of continuing conflict. Since all offenses are the result of perceived
boundary violations, previous conflicts help identify what boundary
agreements are required. Each boundary consists of a clear,
agreed-upon action or restraint and the natural consequences that will
follow if it is violated. Boundaries work through behavior
modification. If a person violates an agreement and gets a negative
result he will do it less often. If he gets a positive result, he will
be encouraged to do it more often. Consequently, mutual boundary
agreements will not immediately stop all conflicts, but they will eventually
improve the marriage. If either mate violates an agreed-upon boundary,
he or she will not have any excuse for not accepting the consequences.
The first boundary that is usually required is an “anger break.” The
couple needs to agree on what they will do to keep an argument from
escalating into an abusive fight. Usually this requires that they
separate for a period of time and cool down before the attempt again to
resolve the issue.
5. Past offenses must be dealt with in order to
end the bitterness in the marriage. I suggest dealing with the
future, then the present, then the past. I do this because it is much
easier to forgive something that will probably not happen again.
Boundary agreements provide a framework for working together in the future.
Established boundaries also allow for current cooperation. For past
issues I suggest what I call Monday Morning Quarterbacking (MMQ). This
method is based on the analogy of reviewing the videotapes from the previous
Sunday’s football game. Each person is to be totally honest about what
they did, why they did it, and how they perceived what happened. No
blaming is allowed. Each is expected to take responsibility for what
they did and ask for forgiveness if what they did was wrong. The
objective is not to find fault but to plan how to avoid the same problem in
the future and to obtain forgiveness and closure.
6. Because no one is or will ever be perfect, each spouse must quit
trying to fix or blame his or her mate. As you will probably
remember, codependency is excessive dependence or independence on someone or
something to meet our needs. Usually mates try to “fix each other” so
that their needs can be met. We are to rely primarily on God to meet
our unmet needs. The Bible tells us that we are not to set ourselves
up to judge or try to fix one-another. We are all God’s servants, and
He asks us, “Why do you judge another man’s servant?” (Rom 14:4) We
are to proactively take responsibility for our own actions and not excuse
our own behavior based on what someone else has done. Each of us will
stand before God for what we have done. What our mate did or did not
do will not be an excuse!
7. As much as possible, those who are affected by or will receive
the consequences of a decision should have a say in that decision.
In an ideal world, we would only receive the consequences of our own
personal choices. In life, this is not always possible. But we
are almost always offended when we get someone else’s consequences.
Much of the conflict in a marriage can be resolved by including those who
will receive the consequences in the decision process. Even after we
are married, there are certain decisions that do not affect our mates.
In these situations, each mate should be allowed to make their own choices
as long as each one is willing to take responsibility for them and learn
from his or her own consequences. In this case, the person should say,
“I have a problem.” This indicates to the other mate that they are not
involved and will not receive significant consequences from any decision
that is made. In situations where both mates are affected, they need
to agree on the decision since both of them will receive the consequences of
that decision. In speaking about problems that affect both mates, they
should say, “We have a problem, what are we going to do about it?” If
a person says to his mate “you have a problem”, he is admitting that he is
violating the other mates boundaries because he has no right to be involved
in the decision in which he does not receive any of the consequences.
Of course, if either one chooses, he or she may ask the mate for advise even
when the decision does not primarily affect them. But the final
decision should still be made by the mate who will, in fact, get the
consequences of that decision. No person ever has a right to force his
view upon another adult.
8. The overall goal of marriage counseling is to help the couple resolve
their conflicts to the extent that they again perceive that their mates
actually do have their best interests in mind. Once this perception is
re-established, they will again be able to cooperate on at least a
friendship level and work toward a better marriage and life. Until
both mates truly believe that the other one does have their best interest in
mind, working together as a team is almost impossible and the marriage will
continue to struggle.
It is not unusual for couples coming for marriage
counseling to be so disheartened that they believe there is only one
solution—divorce. Many times one of the mates comes hoping the
counselor will agree that in their special situation God would sanction
divorce, especially when domestic violence and abuse has occurred. The
Bible is very clear that divorce is allowed only in cases of adultery
(Matthew 5:32), or if the other mate is unsaved and chooses to leave (1st
Corinthians 7:15). Because divorce results in such deep emotional pain
and significant consequences, God requires us to do everything possible to
prevent it. Sometimes temporary separation is required to protect one
spouse from further abuse. However, I have found that if one of the
partners will learn to biblically deal with his or her own problems and set
strong, effective boundaries, the other mate will have to change or will
eventually choose to divorce them. If the mate that leaves commits
adultery or remarries, the first spouse has grounds for remarriage (because
the divorce now meets biblical criteria). Either the marriage will be
restored or at least the client will know that he has done everything
possible to save the marriage. In either case, the non-offending
spouse is better off since divorce recovery is much easier without the guilt
of feeling they gave up on the marriage too soon.
Problems with Children
When a couple is in a dysfunctional
relationship or when a marriage is conflicted, the entire family will be
affected. Discipline will usually be inconsistent or ineffective.
Without both love and effective boundaries, family life becomes chaotic.
In the Bible, the continuing story of King David’s family demonstrates how
poor choices by the parents can dramatically affect their children.
This story continues in 2nd Samuel Chapter 12.
1. Family problems generally originate with the
parents. Children come into the world with certain inherited
personality traits and a blank slate. How they are brought up depends
on the environment provided by the parents. The Bible tells us that
David’s problems with his children go back to his affair with Bathsheba and
the murder of Uriah. Even by today’s standards David’s family was
dysfunctional. In addition to this secret affair and murder, every one
of his male children were from a different wife; and they were competing for
his favor and eventually the throme. The fact that he favored Solomon,
the son of Bathsheba, over the rest probably did not help.
2 Sam 12:10 Now therefore the sword
shall never depart from thine house; because thou hast despised me, and hast
taken the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be thy wife.
2. The sins of the parents can provide the seed for the sins that
are repeated in the next generation. In 2nd Samuel
Chapter 13 we are told that Amnon, the oldest son of David, loved his
step-sister Tamar. He acted like he was sick, asked David to send her
to minister to him in his sickness, and, when she came, he raped her.
The sexual sin, which began through David’s adultery with Bathsheba, was
repeated in the next generation. Unfortunately, most of the time the
children will even go beyond the sins of their parents.
3. Because of their own sins or insecurity, many times parents feel
they have no right to set or enforce effective boundaries with their
children. Because of their past failures, they feel they can not
really blame their children, and therefore, fail to discipline them
effectively. This almost inevitably leads to an increasingly
dysfunctional family. We are told that David was “very wroth” over
what Amnon had done but took no action. (2 Sam 13:21)
4. Without action to enforce effective boundaries, the dysfunction
will escalate. After two years passed Absalom, Tamar’s brother,
decided to take justice into his own hands and assassinate Amnon.
Children do not respond to words but to action. In Absalom’s mind
someone had to do something about Tamar’s rape, and David had done nothing.
If the parents will not act, the children may feel justified in taking
revenge for them.
5. The lack of effective discipline results in a disrespect for the
parent. The fact that David was blatantly manipulated to be part of both
the rape and the murder shows the disdain that the children had for their
father.
6. Children need both love and appropriate boundaries.
Children that have no boundaries feel insecure and do not develop
responsibility. Children who are over-controlled and never given a
chance to make choices never learn self-discipline. David’s children
were given excessive liberty as indicated by the inclusion of Jonadab
(liberty) in both plots. (2 Sam 13:5, 32) When Absalom was brought
back from exile through the manipulation of Joab, David refused to see him.
Possibly David saw his coldness as his means of disapproving of what Absalom
had done. Absalom most likely saw it as rejection and a lack of love.
7. Rules or boundaries without perceived love brings rebellion.
Absalom conspired to over-throw and kill his own father. The basis of
this rebellion was clear. He accused his father of not being just to
the people. Of course, it was Tamar, his sister, who had not received
justice; and Absalom, himself, felt rejected for doing what David should
have done. The basis of the rebellion can also be tied directly to
David’s adultery, since a co-conspirator with Absalom was David’s past
advisor, Ahithophel, the grandfather of Bathsheba. Absalom carried out
exactly what the prophet Nathan had predicted; he slept with his Father’s
concubines on the roof of the palace.
8. Really caring for your children is not enough. They have
to know that you love them enough to discipline them. After
Absalom’s death, David’s real feelings were apparent when he said he would
have rather died himself.
2 Sam 18:33
And the king was much moved, and went up to the chamber over the
gate, and wept: and as he went, thus he said, O my son Absalom, my son, my
son Absalom! would God I had died for thee, O Absalom, my son, my son!
9. A lack of effective
discipline will eventually result in rebellion.
While over controlling children usually results in a lack of
self-control when they grow older, a lack of discipline makes a child feel
that they have to take care of themselves.
After Absolom’s death his brother Adaonijah decided to make
himself king. We are told that
David had never “displeased him at any time.”
Possibly this was because David was still grieving the death of
Absalom. I recommend that every
family needs a set of family rules.
These are a set of mutually agreed-upon boundaries, which specify what is
expected, and the consequences for any violation.
These boundaries need to be consistently and impartially enforced.
They provide a framework within which children can be taught
responsibility, yet allowed to learn from their own choices and
consequences, so that they also learn self-discipline.
1 Ki 1:5 Then
Adonijah the son of Haggith exalted himself, saying, I will be king: and he
prepared him chariots and horsemen, and fifty men to run before him.
6 And his father had not displeased him at any time in
saying, Why hast thou done so? and he also was a very goodly man; and
his mother bare him after Absalom.
1. Both marriage partners must be completely dedicated to God and
desire the will of God in their lives. Doing God’s will should be
even more important to them than becoming married to a particular person.
Mary was so humble and dedicated to having the will of God carried out in
her life that she risked her coming marriage to Joseph. When the angel
came to Mary, she openly accepted the will of God even though she did not
understand it. Becoming pregnant before she was married would probably
bring her disgrace, emotional pain, and an end to her engagement to Joseph.
Lu 1:38
And Mary said, Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it unto me
according to thy word. And the angel departed from her.
Joseph was also open to
the will of God and took Mary to be his wife in spite of the fact that she
was already pregnant. It must have
been hard for him to believe that she was somehow pregnant without having a
relationship with other man even after the angel of the Lord revealed this
to him in a dream. It is doubtful
that any of his friends or the people of Nazareth would have believed this
“story.”
Mt 1:20 But while he thought on these things, behold, the angel of the Lord appeared unto him in a dream, saying, Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost.
2. They must believe that God
has their best interests in mind no matter what He asks them to do.
Elizabeth complimented Mary on her faith in God and declared that
what was promised would come to pass.
Lu 1:41 And it came to
pass, that, when Elisabeth heard the salutation of Mary, the babe leaped in
her womb; and Elisabeth was filled with the Holy Ghost:
42
And she spake out with a loud voice, and said, Blessed
art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb.
45
And blessed
is she that believed: for there shall be a
performance of those things which were told her from the Lord.
3. They must be dedicated to
working together as a team to do what God directs, in spite of what
difficulties life might bring.
A joint vision is essential to a strong marriage.
The fact that Mary accompanied Joseph all the way to Bethlehem to
register for the census when she was about to give birth is amazing.
This trip is more than 70 miles mostly on rough trails and must
have taken a number of days!
Later, when Joseph had a dream that Herod would try to destroy the child,
they left immediately that night for Egypt.
When Joseph received another dream, they returned to Israel.
They were both submitted to the direction of God in their lives
and to each other.
4. They must learn to work together for the
betterment of the family and not easily give up.
Joseph and Mary’s unity and teamwork are
clearly illustrated when Jesus was twelve years of age.
He stayed behind in Jerusalem after the Passover celebration and
somehow they were not aware of it.
When they did not find Him immediately, they sought him among the
relatives. When they did not
locate Him, they both returned to Jerusalem and kept searching together for
three whole days. They did not
seem to blame each other. (Luke
2:43-50)
5. The parents of a healthy family must demonstrate
the healthy use of boundaries to resolve
family disagreements.
When they finally found Jesus, they simply
asked Him why He had stayed in Jerusalem.
Jesus’ answer shows that His action was the result of a boundary
disagreement. It should be
understood that when, in the Hebrew tradition, a boy turned 12 years old, he
was considered a man and capable of making his own decisions.
They expected Jesus to follow them home because He was their son,
but He felt that He needed to stay longer in Jerusalem to prepare for what
his Father in heaven was calling Him to do.
He expected them to understand this.
Even though they probably did not really understand His point of
view, they accepted it; and He returned home and was obedient to them.
The result of their healthy handling of this boundary situation
was that Jesus increased in wisdom and favor in His relationships.
Lu 2:48 And when they saw him, they were amazed: and his mother said unto him, Son, why hast thou thus dealt with us? behold, thy father and I have sought thee sorrowing. 48 And he said unto them, How is it that ye sought me? wist ye not that I must be about my Father's business? 50 And they understood not the saying which he spake unto them. 51 And he went down with them, and came to Nazareth, and was subject unto them: but his mother kept all these sayings in her heart. 52 And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and man.
6. Effective and honoring communication skills
are essential for a healthy family.
At the wedding in Canaan, they ran out of wine.
Mary succinctly approached Jesus with care that appropriate
boundaries be maintained between them.
He made it clear that He was now a grown man, so she did not have
the right to tell Him what to do.
She honored Him by telling the servants to do whatever He said and did not
even suggest what choice He should make.
This showed faith that He would do the right thing.
Jo 2:3
And when they wanted wine, the mother of Jesus saith unto him,
They have no wine. 4 Jesus saith unto her, Woman, what have I to do
with thee? mine hour is not yet come. 5 His mother saith unto the
servants, Whatsoever he saith unto you, do it.
7. Doing the will of
God must be even more important than the family itself.
When Jesus’ mother and
brothers came wanting to speak to Him; He clearly set a boundary concerning
His priorities. As a grown man, he
must do the will of God rather than the desires of His family.
Mk 3:31
There came then his brethren and his mother, and, standing
without, sent unto him, calling him. 32
And the multitude sat about him, and they said unto him, Behold,
thy mother and thy brethren without seek for thee. 33
And he answered them, saying, Who is my mother, or my brethren?
34 And he looked round about on
them which sat about him, and said, Behold my mother and my brethren!
35 For whosoever shall do the will
of God, the same is my brother, and my sister, and mother.
8. When conflicts arise,
healthy family members do not try to control the other members, do not put
others down for their choices, and set the other members free to make their
own decisions and live with the consequences of their decisions.
Jesus brothers suggested that He should go up to the feast, so he
could increase his public following.
Jesus explained that it was not yet time for him to do that.
They went to the feast anyway.
This clearly demonstrates a healthy level of separateness in this
family, even though they did not agree on everything.
In fact, His brothers were not even convinced He was the Messiah.
9. Love for each other (having the other’s best interest in mind) must
take priority (even under the most dire circumstances).
Even when Jesus was hanging on the cross, he still showed concern
for His mother. By that time
Joseph must have already died or he would have been there.
Jesus directed John to provide for Mary’s needs, since He would no
longer be able to do so.
Jo 19:26
When Jesus therefore saw his mother, and the disciple standing by,
whom he loved, he saith unto his mother, Woman, behold thy son! 27
Then saith he to the disciple, Behold thy mother! And from that
hour that disciple took her unto his own home.
10. The real test of a healthy
family is how the members of the next generation function during the
remainder of their lifetime.
Jesus, Mary’s son, went to the cross for all of mankind.
His mother and brothers were all in the upper room at Pentecost.
Jesus brother James became one of the main leaders in the church
in Jerusalem along with Peter. In
spite of all the difficulties that this family suffered, Joseph and Mary
successfully passed on the torch of serving and obeying God unto the next
generation.
Someone might complain that using the
family of Jesus as a model moves it out of the realm of human possibilities.
I do not believe that this is a valid point because Joseph and Mary appeared
healthy even before Jesus’ birth. Just because one of the members of
the family was perfect (Jesus), this did not necessarily insure that all the
members would be healthy. David’s family was lead by a man after God’s
own heart and was very dysfunctional. We are all called to be
conformed to the image of Jesus through faith. No matter where we
might be today, God expects us to become more functional through the process
of salvation. This is made possible by faith each day until we become
the glorious, whole, healthy individuals and family members that He created
us to be. It is also God’s goal that our families be transformed in a
similar manner.
When I counsel families, I sometimes use Boundaries (1992) and the Boundaries Workbook (1995), as resources. For communication and gender differences I use Hidden Keys of a Loving Lasting Marriage (1988) by Gary Smalley. For families on the verge of divorce, I recommend Before a Bad Goodbye (1999) by Tim Clinton, and for families with older children who are out of control, I suggest Parenting Teens with Love and Logic (1992) by Cline and Faye. More recently I have found Safe Haven Marriage (Hart and Morris, 2003) and Love and Respect (Eggerichs, 2004) especially useful. THese boopks are avaiable in our online bookstore.
Steps for Healing Dysfunctional Families
1.
The first and most important step is for all members of the family
to accept Christ as their Savior and Lord, quit trying to direct their own
lives, give control over to God, and become willing to be obedient to His
word.
2.
Help each member of the family take responsibility for their own
actions no matter what other members do. God holds us accountable for
what we do and how we react, not what our mate or children do. We must
learn to respond with what is right instead of reacting out of our hurt.
3.
Teach the family communication skills so that they can discuss and
resolve issues without fighting.
4.
Teach all members of the family how to use effective boundaries to
resolve conflict and not to be excessively passive or aggressive when their
personal boundaries are violated.
5.
Help develop a set of boundaries or rules for the family that all
agree are reasonable and fair. These boundaries may have to include
how the family will deal with arguments and outbursts of anger. They
must be consistently followed.
6.
Help the family discuss, resolve, and forgive past offenses.
7.
Once the family believes that the other members do have their best
interests in mind, help them reach out in love to
For a video on this subject select the link below:
1. Dysfunctional and Functional Familes (Transformation Lesson 5)
The written material information presented above comes from