Biblical
Answers for Grief
In each person's lifetime, he will be forced to deal with grief in some form. Everyone will eventually experience losses in their lives. Sometimes, going through grief can become extremely difficult, and if the client becomes "stuck" in the process of grief, he could even resort to self-destructive behavior or suicide.
1. Grief is the natural response to a significant
loss. Job had everything, at least from a worldly
viewpoint: Wife and children, wealth, honor, possessions, and good
health. He lost it all, except for his wife who was also so devastated
that she advised him to, "curse God and die." Grief is the natural
response to all types of loses.
2. The grief response is intensified if the client
has a wrong view about what is to be expected in life.
Job believed that if he did his very best to do good, he should only
experience blessings and should never experience any great losses or
disasters in his life. However, I believe that Job secretly knew that
life was not that simple. Unfortunately, even today, many Christians
seem to believe that because they have accepted Christ; they should no
longer experience problems, struggles, and losses in their lives.
3. A valid biblical view of life will assist the
aggrieved person as he progresses through the grief process.
From the glimpses into heaven in the book of Job, we learn that although God
puts a hedge around his people, because we are not perfect, Satan can use
our sins as an opening to attack us. Job believed that because of his
good works he should be protected. Unfortunately, none of us is
perfect enough for this to happen. It was Job’s fear that provide an
opening for the Satan’s attack. Deep within, Job feared that he could
never be good enough to deserve complete protection from all the loses in
life.
Job 3:25 For the thing which I
greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto
me.
Fortunately, for us, our protection no
longer depends on our performance or good works but on the finished work of
Christ. To the degree we rely on Him we are protected. (For more
on the principles of protection from catastrophe see my book,
Faith Therapy)
4. Many grieving people feel hated and persecuted,
and blame others for their loss. Job's name means
“hated and persecuted.” He saw himself as a righteous, God-fearing
man. He saw his possessions and family as blessings from God. If
this is true, then how had he deserved all of the calamity that had come
upon him? It was not fair. Therefore, God or someone other than
himself must be responsible for what happened.
5. The aggrieved person usually feels that God
"allowed it." Here, the Christian must understand
that just because God is all-powerful does not necessarily make him
responsible for everything. Just because I have the capability to stop
a car accident in front of my house if it occurred at two am in the morning,
does not mean that I am responsible to stay up every night and barricade my
street in order to prevent one. God has given us dominion to over our
world and has given us everything through faith that is necessary for our
lives. According to James, God never does evil, nor is He even tempted
to do evil. But in the middle of what we see as an unfair world, it is
hard emotionally to see and believe this. Even if Job felt that God
had allowed it, he did not "charge God foolishly." (Job 1:22)
6. The first phase of the grief experience is
usually shock and denial. We are not emotionally
prepared for what happens so we shut it out. It seems unreal. In
order to show how he felt, Job tore his mantle (authority to control his
life), shaved his head (his faith was shaken), and fell upon the
ground (humbled himself). His denial of his emotions is captured
in Job 1:21, "Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return
thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of
the LORD." This noble saying is typical of the initial minimization of
the emotional pain that normally occurs at the time of a great loss.
7. It is Satan's purpose to mess up the client’s
walk, his mind, make him feel worthless, and get him into a pity-party in
the midst of the ashes of his life. Satan
attacked Job in his feet (affected his walk) and his head (his thinking).
Job scraped himself with broken pottery (feelings of worthlessness) and sat
in the ashes (shameful remains of his life).
8.
Friends and counselors seldom handle grief appropriately.
Possibly this is because we have not really understood the emotional issues
or struggle ourselves that come with the pain of loss. My experience
is that most Christians do exactly the wrong things--minimize the situation
and defend God.
9. Do not try to tell him that because God is
correcting him for his sins that it is for his good.
Job's three friends are examples of how not
to counsel grief! Eliphaz means “God is dispenser.” He argued
that calamity only comes from God as correction for, or as a consequence of
our sins. We reap what we sow. He was a Temamite, which means
south, soft or warm. According to Eliphaz, since Job needed to be
corrected for his sins he should realize that what happened to him was for
his good. Eliphaz concludes:
Job 5:17 Behold, happy [is] the man
whom God correcteth: therefore despise not thou the chastening of the
Almighty: 27 Lo this, we have searched it, so it [is]; hear it, and
know thou [it] for thy good.
I do not believe that God brings this
level of calamity on his children to "correct them." Except, in the
most extreme circumstances, this would be considered abuse. Jesus made
it clear that it is only through God’s grace (which is not based on works),
that Christians are spared from catastrophe as they repent and trust in Him,
Lu 13:2
And Jesus answering said unto them, Suppose ye that
these Galilaeans were sinners above all the Galilaeans, because they
suffered such things? 3
I tell you, Nay: but, except ye repent, ye shall all likewise perish.
10. Do not suggest that the tragedy is
“punishment” for his sin. Bildad means “son of
contention.” He was a Shuhite, which means “depression.” Trying
to blame the client only increases his depression. He reasoned that
since tragedy had happened—and only bad things happen to bad people—it was
clear that Job must have committed some dire sin. This is an
aggressive approach that tries to defend God, and it only leads to more
contention. If the client has sinned or the tragedy is a direct
consequence of his actions, he will eventually face this fact as his
recovery progresses; but initially he will only defend himself when
confronted. Since Jesus died for us; we are forgiven, not punished for
our sins. If tragedy came as punishment for our sin it would happen to
all of us, for we all sin. The disciples believed that tragedy was
punishment for sin, but Jesus denied that this was true in the case of the
man born blind from his birth. In this case, there was another reason,
that God might use the tragedy to demonstrate his love for him. God is
not the author of tragedies, but even turns what Satan authors, for the good
of them that love Him and are willing to do things His way. (Rom 8:28)
Jo 9:1 And as Jesus passed by, he
saw a man which was blind from his birth.
11. Do not tell him "to just get over it."
Zophar means “hairy or worldly.” He is a Naamathite, which means
“pleasantness.” He argued that since we all sin, bad things happen to
all of us. In fact, Job has gotten less than what he deserved (Job
11:6), so why not just accept it, put it behind him, and go on. Job
should quit complaining, accept his lot in life, and try harder next time.
This is a fatalistic approach to life. It dooms the person to a life
of fear concerning what might happen next. It also ignores the fact
that going through the process of grief is essential for emotional recovery.
If the client buries his grief, it will reappear at another time in another
way.
12. We are to empathize with the client’s
emotional pain. His friends wept, tore their
mantles, and sprinkled dust (feelings of insignificance) upon their heads.
They sat there for seven days (completeness) "for they saw that [his] grief
was very great." (Job 2:12,13)
13. All clients have a certain amount of fear that
some calamity will come upon them. The problem is
that down deep, everyone knows that he is powerless over his circumstances
and can never achieve total control of his life through his own actions.
A person’s own goodness can never guarantee his safety. Only faith in
God can. Job declares:
Job 3:25 For the thing which I
greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto
me.
14. The second
phase of grief is anger at almost everyone and everything.
Job cursed the day he was born, the fact that he was not stillborn, and life
itself. He felt that death would be easier than enduring his grief.
(Job 3:3-16)
15. The client
is also many times angry with God. Job points
this out in Chapter 6:14 “To him that is afflicted pity [should be shewed]
from his friend; but he forsaketh the fear of the Almighty." Blaming
God seems to be natural, because we do not want to take responsibility for
what has happened, and because we feel that God could have prevented it.
As already discussed, it is important to remember that there is a big
difference between having the power to do something about a situation and
being responsible to do it. God provided all we need for life and
godliness through His promises and gave the responsibility to us for their
use.
16. The next phase of grief is what some have
called bargaining. Throughout these chapters Job
is constantly trying to get God to "hear his case," and "bargain" with him.
We see this in Chapter 13:
Job 13:20 Only do
not two [things] unto me: then will I not hide myself from thee. 21
Withdraw thine hand far from me: and let not thy dread make me afraid.
21
Then call thou, and I will answer: or let me
speak, and answer thou me.
17.
The next phase of grief is depression, which is the result of a loss
of hope. In Job 7:6 he writes, "My
days are swifter than a weaver's shuttle, and are spent without hope."
18. Defending God is not helpful for the grieved
person. It seems natural to us that when the
client going through grief, complains to God, that it is our job to defend
God. This is not the correct approach since these words are an
expression of the anguish of the soul and spirit and are part of the healing
process. God is able to adequately defend Himself. Job says,
Job 7:11 Therefore
I will not refrain my mouth; I will speak in the anguish of my spirit; I
will complain in the bitterness of my soul.
13:7
Will ye speak wickedly for God? and talk deceitfully for him?
8 Will ye accept his
person? will ye contend for God?
13
Hold your peace, let me alone, that I may speak, and let come
on me what [will]."
19. The client’s discussion with God is a means of
trying to sort out his responsibility and bring order to his confusing
world. Job states,
Job 13:18
Behold now, I have ordered [my] cause; I know that I
shall be justified. 19
Who [is] he [that] will plead with me? for now, if I hold my tongue,
I shall give up the ghost. 23. How many [are] mine iniquities and
sins? make me to know my transgression and my sin.
20. During the depression phase of grief,
the client primarily needs emotional support. I
remember at a seminar hearing a counselor suggest a better approach than
attempting to defend God. When a client came in "angry at what God had
done to him," he sat down beside him and said, "If God did that to you, I'm
angry at God too." By the end of the session, the client, through just
being allowed to talk, reached the conclusion that God had not been
responsible for his calamity. Job tells us what he needs:
Job 16:2 I have heard many such
things: miserable comforters [are] ye all.
21. We should take the client’s side by
interceding for them. In Job 16:21, Job pleads
for this, "O that one might plead for a man with God, as a man [pleadeth]
for his neighbour!"
22. It takes
faith in God to help them out of their self-pity.
We finally see faith beginning to return in Job’s life in Chapter 19:
Job 19:21 Have pity upon me, have
pity upon me, O ye my friends; for the hand of God hath touched me. 22
Why do ye persecute me as God, and are not satisfied with my flesh?
23. One of the things that usually bothers the
aggrieved person the most is that he seems unable to hear from God.
This happens even to many Christians who have previously been close to God
and had consistently heard God’s voice in the past. I believe this
loss of contact with God occurs because the faith foundation of the
relationship has been shaken. In John Chapter 14, Jesus explained that
when He returns only those willing to obey (act on their faith) will be able
to see Him. Job complains:
Job 23:3 Oh that I knew where I might find him! [that] I might come [even] to his seat! 4 I would order [my] cause before him, and fill my mouth with arguments. 5 I would know the words [which] he would answer me, and understand what he would say unto me."
24. The counselor's job is to speak for God and
build the client’s faith until he can again hear from God for himself.
If we closely examine these verses we realize that only three friends came
to speak to Job; but finally a fourth person speaks. Elihu (God
Himself), the son of Barachel (blessed of God), tells us in Job 33:6,
"Behold, I [am] according to thy wish in God's stead." He goes on to
explain that God has no obligation to "give account of any of his matters."
He explains in verse 17 that God allows struggles: "That he may withdraw man
[from his] purpose, and hide pride from man," but that He is on the person’s
side and will deliver him if he will respond to God in faith. In Job
34:10, Elihu makes it clear that God is never responsible for evil:
"Therefore hearken unto me, ye men of understanding: far be it from God,
[that he should do] wickedness; and [from] the Almighty, [that he should
commit] iniquity." Consequently, God was not responsible for Job's
calamity. It is important for the client to get to the place where he
can thank God in his situation, because he knows that somehow God will use
even this for his good. (Romans 8:28) According to Job Chapter
35, the problem is that the client has relied on his own ideas rather than
trusting that God loves him and always has his best interests in mind.
Job 35:2
Thinkest thou this to be right, [that] thou saidst,
My righteousness [is] more than God's?
5 Look unto the heavens, and see;
and behold the clouds [which] are higher than thou.
14 Although thou sayest
thou shalt not see him, [yet] judgment [is] before him; therefore trust thou
in him.
25.
During the acceptance phase of grief, the client’s faith finally recovers to
the point where he can again hear from God.
At this point, God Himself can deal with any remaining issues better than
any counselor. In Chapter 38, Job finally heard from God again and God
asked him,
Job 38:2
Who [is] this that darkeneth counsel by words without knowledge?
3 Gird up now thy
loins like a man; for I will demand of thee, and answer thou me.
4 Where wast thou when I laid the
foundations of the earth? declare, if thou hast understanding... 40:2
Shall he that contendeth with the Almighty instruct
[him]? he that reproveth God, let him answer it."
26. When the client’s pride and ego defenses have
been dealt with and he accepts what has happened to him, he is finally in a
position to have his relationship with God restored.
This is an essential step in the acceptance phase of the grief process.
Job 40:3
Then Job answered the LORD, and said, 4
Behold, I am vile; what shall I answer thee? I will lay mine hand upon my
mouth.
27. God makes the problem clear; the aggrieved
person has been trying to escape personal responsibility by blaming God and
others. God asks in Job 40:8, “Wilt thou also
disannul my judgment? wilt thou condemn me, that thou mayest be righteous?"
The client must decide if he is going to trust God again or rely on his own
understanding and logic. God does not feel obligated to explain
everything to him. He just wants the client to trust that He does have
his best interests in mind.
28.
The client should repent, realizing how ridiculous his accusations
against God and others people have been, and take responsibility for his own
actions.
Job 42:2: I know that thou
canst do every [thing], and [that] no thought can be withholden from thee.
3 Who [is] he that hideth counsel without knowledge? therefore have I
uttered that I understood not; things too wonderful for me, which I knew
not.
29.
The ultimate answer in grief recovery is personally knowing God
through faith.
Job 42:5 I have heard of thee by
the hearing of the ear: but now mine eye seeth thee. Wherefore I abhor
[myself], and repent in dust and ashes.
30. The final step of grief is complete when the client
again has energy to invest in others. This is
many times expressed by praying for the needs of other people.
Job 42:10 And the LORD turned the captivity of Job, when he prayed for his friends: also the LORD gave Job twice as much as he had before.
Job 42:14
And he called the name of the first, Jemima (day by
day or it takes time); and the name of the second, Kezia (spice like
cinnamon—it makes life fragrant again); and the name of the third,
Kerenhappuch (horn of antimony or eye paint or makeup—it makes life seem
good again). 15
And in all the land were no women found [so] fair as
the daughters of Job: and their father gave them inheritance among their
brethren."
In dealing with grief, in addition to just listening and giving emotional
support, I attempt to educate the client on the grief process.
Sometimes I use the book, Mourning Into Dancing
(1992) by Walter Wangerin, Jr. As a resource on how to help people
through grief see Helping People Through Grief
(1987) by Kuenning. I also directly address the loss and teach the
principles of protection from catastrophe when appropriate. (See my book
Faith Therapy.) Of course, rebuilding faith is my most important task.
Steps
for Helping a Client through Grief
1.
Grief is the natural, automatic response to the
perception of a significant loss.
2.
The aggrieved person feels unfairly treated and
usually blames themselves, God, or others for the loss.
3.
He goes through stages of denial, anger, bargaining,
depression, and acceptance.
4.
The counselor should not attempt to give explanations
or immediately challenge the client’s wrong thinking or emotional reaction,
but listen and provide emotional support.
5.
The grief process, which requires time for the
sorting out of responsibility, emotional healing, and overcoming fears,
should neither be rushed nor allowed to stagnate.
6.
The counselor should not attempt to defend God but
try to slowly rebuild the client’s faith.
7. Recovery results in acceptance when the loss has finally been processed. Faith in God will help in overcoming the client’s fears and he will again becomes concerned about the needs of other people.
For videos on this subject select the links below:
1. The Grief Model of Job (Transformation Lesson 10) [Start 22:8]
The written material information presented above comes from
Transformation! How Simple Bible Stories Provide In-depth Answers for Life's Most Difficult Problems by Dr. Reiner $18.99