Biblical Answers for Irresponsibility and Procrastination
When our
needs for love, security, worth, or significance are not met, we attempt to
meet these needs through depending on ourselves, relying on others, trying
to control others, or using substances or things to make us happy.
Today, in the recovery movement, this is called codependency. This
term was originally coined to refer to a person married to an addict who was
somehow dependent on the addict continuing to drink or use drugs.
However, this excessively dependent or independent pattern is now recognized
to be much more widespread in our society and has been identified as the
underlying cause of numerous other problems.
Probably everyone in our society has a number of
codependent characteristics, but for at least one-fourth or more of our
population, these characteristics have become a predominant pattern of
coping that result in dysfunctional relationships. In the United
States and much of Europe, we teach codependent principles from the cradle
up with nursery stories like Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty, our romantic
and Country Western music, and our movies. After discussing
codependency, one pastor who primarily works with lower income families
stated, "That's everyone in my congregation." Codependency makes up a
large part of the psychological dysfunction that occupies a position between
normal or healthy, and the mental disorders described in the Diagnostic and
Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM IV).
Irresponsibility and Procrastination - Codependent Responsibility Avoidance
The codependent responsibility
avoidant uses a strategy for life that minimizes failure at all costs.
If he only does what he knows he can succeed at, he will be a success.
Of course, for this strategy to succeed he needs someone else who will do
whatever tasks he wishes to avoid. For this job he usually enlists a
codependent dependent rescuer either in the form of a mate, a parent, or a
friend.
1. The codependent avoidant sees
himself as powerless, defenseless and overwhelmed by life. Jonah's
name means "dove." Doves are weak, powerless, and defenseless against
anything that might attack them. Their only hope is to escape by
flying away.
2. He does not see the untapped
potential in his life. Jonah was the son of Amittai which means
“faithful, right, sure, and truthful.” This was the untapped potential
that was in Jonah.
3. He had a victim mentality based on
all the hurt he has experienced. In 2nd Kings 14:25 we
find out that Jonah was from Gathhepher, which means "winepress of digging."
I interpret this to mean that just as it takes work to dig a winepress and
as grapes are crushed in a winepress, he had worked hard only to have a
crushing experience. This verse also suggests that one of his
prophesies did not take place until the time of the kings of Israel.
Possibly, when his prophecy was not immediately fulfilled, he came under
sharp criticism.
2 Kings 14:25 He restored the coast of Israel from
the entering of Hamath unto the sea of the plain, according to the word of
the LORD God of Israel, which he spake by the hand of his servant Jonah, the
son of Amittai, the prophet, which [was] of Gathhepher.
4. A codependent sees the challenges
of life as overwhelming. Jonah was called to go to Ninevah, the
capital of Assyria, whose God corresponded to Hercules—a man-god of great
size and strength. The codependent avoidant feels like a dove asked to
take on Hercules. Life just requires too much to bear. The
avoidant usually feels inadequate to do almost anything.
5. He responded by fleeing into
fantasy (Tarshish means contemplation) to get away from God, who he believes
required too much from him. The avoidant is usually angry with God
because he believes that God expects too much of him and that God should
have made things work out the way he wanted them to be. Consequently,
Jonah ran from God to try to find a nicer, easier, protected life (Joppa
means bright, beauty, fair) and, in doing so, he cut himself off from the
very thing he needed—faith and trust in God.
6. The codependent avoidant will try
to get others to meet his needs. Ships usually stand for the
capability to accomplish things. Jonah tried to use someone else's
capability (a hired ship) to escape from what he saw as the overwhelming
demands of life. He expected someone else to take care of him.
7. The avoidant is overwhelmed by the
problems of life, many of which he has created through his attempt to escape
his fears. Jonah was the one who chose the ship for his attempt to
escape from God. Even though the tempest was life threatening, Jonah
was asleep, trying to ignore his problems. He was awakened by others
(usually the codependent’s relatives and friends) who saw the destruction
coming on all their lives. Because the codependent does not carry his
own weight in life, his problems affect and threaten everyone involved.
8. He will frustrate all the attempts
of others to really help him. The last thing he wants to do is
call on God, whom he blames for the overwhelming demands of life.
Others, especially relatives or friends who unsuccessfully try to help him,
eventually realize that it is the codependent avoidant (Jonah) who is the
root of their problems.
9. When all attempts to help fail, he
will eventually be abandoned by family and friends. When the
sailors were finally forced to throw Jonah overboard the seas became calm.
In the same way, those who finally give up trying to help the codependent
avoidant find their lives returned to normal. When they finally quit
trying to help, the family and friends may feel guilty because they have
abandoned the codependent avoidant (just as the sailors of Jonah's ship
did).
11. The underlying cause is that the
codependent avoidant feels unloved and unworthy. To understand
this, we must turn to the end of the story of Jonah. Jonah was
exceedingly angry at God, because God did not destroy Ninevah when its
people repented of their sin. The codependent avoidant becomes very
angry because he perceives that others are more blessed than he is. He
sees this "mistreatment" as a sign that God must love others more.
This triggers feelings of being unloved, worthless, and inadequate, which
most codependents have experienced in past relationships, especially in
their families of origin.
12. A predominant trait is that he is
overly concerned about what people think about him. If God spared
the Ninevites, others might think of Jonah as a false prophet because he
prophesied that in 40 days the city would be destroyed. He did not
care as much for the 120,000 people of Ninevah as he did for his own
reputation.
13. He sees himself as a victim and
is totally focused on his own problems. The codependent avoidant
is in a perpetual pity-party. He believes that the world owes him a
living because of all that "God" and others have done to him. It is
almost as if he is challenging God to prove that He loves him, just as other
types of codependents attempt to manipulate others around them into showing
love in order to meet their needs.
14. The codependent avoidant sees
everything as catastrophic. Jonah was so mad at God for being so
kind to the Ninevites by sparing them, that he asked God to kill him.
He felt it was better for him to die than for his prophecy not to come true,
or for others to be blessed instead of him.
15. The codependent avoidant is
really codependent on God. We find this final insight into the
problem in the episode about the gourd. The sun was hot. This
represents the difficulties of life. The codependent avoidant sees
himself as a victim because of all the problems in life that have happened
to him. God made a gourd grow which protected Jonah from the sun.
When a worm killed the gourd, Jonah became "angry enough to die," and said
that he felt justified in his anger. Jonah expected God to do for him
what he is capable of doing for himself. God makes it plain that He
will not do this. An example of this would be a 15-year-old who still
wants his mother to tie his shoelaces because he is afraid he might do it
wrong. God expects us to do our part and take responsibility for our
own life, just as any healthy parent expects his own child to do what he can
to meet his own needs.
The Biblical Solution
1. Helping the codependent avoidant
begins with refusing to do for him what he can do for himself.
This is based on a correct Greek translation of Galatians 6:2, 5 (see the
earlier chapter on boundaries) which tell us that, as Christians, we should
assist other people with "mountains that are about to crush them," but that
we are to "let everyone carry their own backpack." As long as
"helpers" enable the codependent so that he does not have to face his own
consequences, he will not be motivated to face his fears and deal with his
problems.
2. The codependent avoidant must
repent! After being cast overboard, God prepared a fish to swallow
Jonah. I believe that the fish stands for the problems of this world
that seem to engulf but are unable to digest the codependent avoidant.
He must get so sick of his pity-party and victim mentality that he loses any
hope of ever getting his needs met through his dysfunctional manipulations.
Only then will he turn in desperation to God for help.
3. He must recognize that dying to
his selfishness and trusting Jesus is the answer. The Bible tells
us that Jonah's three days and three nights in the fish are a type of Jesus'
death and resurrection. Matthew 12:40 states, "For as Jonas (Jonah)
was three days and three nights in the whale's belly; so shall the Son of
man be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth." The
client must learn to trust in God for his needs as Jesus did, and be willing
to die to himself (delay gratification). His fears will dissipate only
as he relies on Christ's provision for him instead of relying on his ability
to manipulate others.
4. The client must choose to call out
to God for help. Most clients will not cry out to God for help
until they are absolutely overwhelmed by their circumstances. Jonah to
finally cry out to God for help when he had run out of options:
Jonah 2:1 Then Jonah prayed unto the LORD his God
out of the fish's belly, 2 And said, I cried by reason of MINE AFFLICTION
unto the LORD, and he heard me; out of the belly of hell cried I, [and] thou
heardest my voice.
5. The codependent avoidant must
realize that, without God, his own attempts are futile. Until he
is willing to do his part and trust God, God will not have mercy on him and
deliver him from his codependency. This is clear from Jonah 2:8: "They
that observe vanities (fruitless attempts to deal with his problems
themselves) forsake their own mercy."
6. He must see God on his side, be
thankful for all God has done for him, and be willing to obey God.
Unless a person is willing to obey, God cannot help him because God will not
override an individual’s free will. When Jonah repented, the fish
vomited him out onto dry land. I believe the dry land stands for the
security that the client will have when he chooses to trust God to meet his
needs through faith.
7. The client must do what God
directs in spite of his fears. Jonah had to go back to Ninevah and
do exactly what God had directed him to do. In the same way, the
codependent avoidant must go back to face the same fears he has tried to
avoid and, this time, do as God directs. Forty (days) stands for
testing in human life. This usually includes the process of overcoming
fear through progressively trusting God to deal with those fears, as
discussed in the conquest of Jericho. A slow, systematic
desensitization process is required for reentering life as faith and trust
in God grow. It took Jonah three days to cross the city. Three
stands for completeness. The codependent avoidant is not done until he
has faced all of his fears and has overcome them in the real world.
The people of Ninevah repented. The very people, and even the leaders,
that Jonah feared so much, heeded his prophecy. In the same way, the
fears that have bound the codependent avoidant have to yield to God's
wonderful word of deliverance when the codependent avoidant trusts God and
faces them.
8. He must speak what God tells him
to speak. The client must learn to speak faith about his future
(prophesy) and to not speak anything God does not say (negative self-talk).
9. The client must start doing what
he can do for himself. Jonah built a booth to shadow himself from
the sun. God responded by preparing the gourd to show that he did love
him and would respond when Jonah did his part. Jonah was "exceedingly
glad." The codependent's emotions are very much tied to his
circumstances. Jonah had made some progress, but he was not yet
completely recovered. God prepared a worm (which stands for degraded
men) and it destroyed the gourd (God's provision). Men and
circumstances in life will attempt to destroy the client's blessings.
Jonah was able to function in good circumstances, but reverted to
codependent behavior when circumstances became unfavorable.
10. The codependent avoidant must
learn to face even negative circumstances without a victim mentality.
A very hot wind came up and made Jonah almost faint. Codependent
avoidants usually see any reversals of circumstances as a sign that God does
not really love them. Jonah again wished to die. The final
victory will come only when the client realizes that he is not a victim, and
that God loves everybody equally, treats everyone with mercy, and loves His
children unconditionally no matter whether he succeeds or fails. The
codependent avoidant should also understand that the mercy of God does
eventually end if we continue to refuse to repent. The people of
Ninevah later returned to their sin and the city was destroyed and never
rebuilt again. (Nahum 3)
Because codependent responsibility avoidants fear failure and believe that life is too difficult for them, their relationship and trust in God needs to be rebuilt. Experiencing God : Knowing and Doing the Will of God (1990) by Henry Blackaby and Claude King, is an excellent resource. Through the use of boundaries, the client needs to be forced to take more and more responsibility for their own lives. This should be done slowly, starting with areas where success is more probable. In the case of an over-under responsible marriage, boundaries are also required for the dependent rescuer to stop her from trying to require him to meet her perfectionistic standards and from being overly critical of her mate. Many times the mate will have to refuse to enable the avoidant in a particular area. He or she must be willing to suffer whatever consequences result before the responsibility avoidant realizes that if he does not do it, he will fail. This realization is key to motivating him to take on the responsibilities that he wishes to avoid.
Steps for Overcoming Codependent Responsibility Avoidance
1.
The overall problem is a fear of failure, which
causes the client to avoid situations in which he might fail or not perform
as successfully as he wishes.
2.
He must take responsibility for his own life and
others must refuse to do for him what he can do for himself.
3.
The client must repent of his desire to protect
himself at all costs by refusing to do things which might result in failure.
4.
The client must quit blaming others and trust God to
meet his needs.
5.
He must realize that his attempts to manipulate
others to meet his needs are futile and that, without God, he is powerless
to meet them.
6.
The client must cry out to God for help to make him
adequate for the tasks he is called to do.
7.
The client must understand that God is on his side,
be thankful to God for what he has done, and be willing to obey God.
8.
The client must do what God directs in spite of his
fears.
9.
He must speak to himself only what God tells him to
speak.
10. The client must start doing what he can do for himself and trust God to make him adequate for every task.
For videos on this subject select the links below:
1. Codependence Avoidance (Transformation Lesson 7)
2. Codependent Resonsibility Avoidance ( Counseling Codependency Lesson 9)
Referenced material and resources
Transformation! How Simple Bible Stories Provide In-depth Answers for Life's Most Difficult Problems by Dr. Reiner $18.99 Boundaries Book by Cloud and Townsend $14.99Experiencing God Workbook by Blakaby $24.95