Biblical Answers for Marriage
Principles of Relationships
Most of our important experiences in life involve relationships.
God wants to have a personal relationship with us.
People need healthy relationships in order to enjoy life.
Relationships offer one of the greatest areas of potential for
healthy change. They are also the
source of most of our emotional pain.
Healthy people can edify and strengthen others.
Hurting people tend to take out their emotional pain on others.
Marriages and friendships can be heaven on earth or hell on earth.
Relationship problems are the subject of the large majority of
counseling sessions. Whole areas
of counseling such as marriage and family counseling, abuse recovery,
domestic violence, and codependency focus on relationship problems.
1. God wants to
have a personal relationship with us.
Building such a relationship takes faith and time with God.
This is a wonderful opportunity to develop relationship skills
with someone Who knows everything, understands us perfectly, and loves us
completely as we are.
Isa 41:8 But thou, Israel, art my servant, Jacob
whom I have chosen, the seed of Abraham my friend.
James 2:23 And the scripture
was fulfilled which saith, Abraham believed God, and it was imputed unto him
for righteousness: and he was called the Friend of God.
2. God wants us
to seek a relationship with Him with all of our hearts.
De 4:29 But if from thence
thou shalt seek the LORD thy God, thou shalt find him, if thou seek him with
all thy heart and with all thy soul.
Jeremiah 29:13 And ye shall
seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.
3. Friends are those
who have our best interests in mind and show it by their actions.
Pr 18:24 A man that hath
friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh
closer than a brother.
Lu 15:6 And when he cometh
home, he calleth together his friends and neighbours, saying unto them,
Rejoice with me; for I have found my sheep which was lost.
Pr 27:17 Iron sharpeneth
iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.
4.
Building friendships or relationships takes time,
communication, and sacrifice.
Jo 15:13 Greater love hath
no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.
5. When someone does not have our best interests in
mind, we see them as enemies.
La 1:2 She weepeth sore in the night, and her tears
are on her cheeks: among all her lovers she hath none to comfort her: all
her friends have dealt treacherously with her, they are become her enemies.
Jas 4:4 Ye adulterers and
adulteresses, know ye not that the friendship of the world is enmity with
God? whosoever therefore will be a
friend of the world is the enemy of God.
Php 3:18 (For many walk, of
whom I have told you often, and now tell you even weeping, that they are the
enemies of the cross of Christ:
6. Even though
it is hard, God wants us to even love and do good to our enemies.
If we please God in this way, He can even make our enemies be at
peace with us.
Pr 25:21 If thine enemy be
hungry, give him bread to eat; and if he be thirsty, give him water to
drink:
Mt 5:44 But I say unto you,
Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you,
and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;
Pr 16:7 When a man's ways
please the LORD, he maketh even his enemies to be at peace with him.
7. God desires
that we all come into unity and love for each other in the same way that God
loves us.
Jo 13:34 A new commandment I
give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also
love one another.
Jo 17:21 That they all may be one; as thou, Father,
art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world
may believe that thou hast sent me.
8. In marriage,
the closest of relationships, we are to become one flesh, not one identity.
Becoming one identity, or loosing one’s identity in a relationship
with another, is a characteristic of codependency.
Mt 19:5 And said, For this
cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and
they twain shall be one flesh?
9. The ultimate
healthy relationship is modeled by the Trinity.
The Father, Son and Holy Ghost have separate identities, yet they
cooperate and work together in perfect unity.
In marriage, the husband, wife, and God are to form a team similar
to that of the Trinity. It is
God’s job in this relationship to meet the needs in the marriage that the
mate cannot or will not meet.
1 Jo 5:7 For there are three
that bear record in heaven, the Father, the Word, and the Holy Ghost: and
these three are one.
Mt 3:17 And lo a voice from
heaven, saying, This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.
10. The wife is
to cooperate with the husband’s leadership as if she was submitting to God
Himself, as long as he submits to the direction of God.
This is known as spiritual authority.
The wife is not obligated to follow directions from the husband
that violate the direction of his higher authority, God.
Eph 5:21 Submitting yourselves one to another in
the fear of God.
11. The husband
is to be responsible to ensure that his wife and children reach their
fullest potential, just as Christ was responsible for the development of the
church.
Eph 5:23 For the husband is
the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is
the saviour of the body.
12. Husbands
are to love their wives and be willing to sacrifice and die for them if
necessary.
Eph 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ
also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
13. They are to
ensure that the family is sanctified through training in the Word of God.
Eph 5:26 That he might
sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
14. Men should
have the best interests of the family in mind at least as much as they look
out for themselves.
Eph 5:28 So ought men to
love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth
himself.
15. Families
are to have good boundaries which will protect them from the undue influence
of their relatives, so that they can form a strong team.
Eph 5:31 For this cause
shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife,
and they two shall be one flesh.
16. Men are to
love their wives as much as they love themselves; and women are to honor,
respect, and appreciate their husbands.
This is the theme of the new book, Love and Respect (2004),
by Eggerichs.
Eph 5:33 Nevertheless let every one of you in
particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she
reverence her husband.
17. Children
are to obey and honor their parents, since a good relationship with their
parents is a key to a successful life.
Numerous problems in later years result from unresolved conflicts
with our parents.
Eph 6:1 Children, obey your
parents in the Lord: for this is right.
18. Fathers
need to be careful to control their anger, to effectively discipline, and to
teach their children about God.
Eph 6:4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children
to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
19. Marriage is
a permanent institution of God and is not to be broken except in situations
where one mate is involved in ongoing fornication or adultery, or if an
unbelieving mate chooses to divorce the believer.
Matt 19:9 And I say
unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except [it be] for fornication,
and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which
is put away doth commit adultery.
1 Corinthians 7:10. And unto the married I command, [yet]
not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from [her] husband: 11
But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her
husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.
20. After a divorce, remarriage is permitted only when the divorce
was based on Biblical grounds, or the divorced spouse has died or remarried.
Otherwise, by remarrying, the couple is committing adultery. God wants
everyone to do everything possible to reconcile because He knows the damage
and the emotional pain of divorce. A spouse is free to remarry if
their previous spouse remarries or has sex with someone else, because by
doing so that spouse has committed adultery. Consequently, the grounds
for a Biblical divorce have been fulfilled.
Matthew 5:32 But I say unto you, That whosoever
shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to
commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth
adultery.
Counseling Methods and Techniques
1. We can do a quick
relationship analysis with four questions.
The first question I ask is, “Does the spouse believe that the
other person “has their best interest in mind?”
This question determines whether they perceive their spouse’s
actions as being for them or against them.
If they believe that the other is for them they will act as
friends and if they believe they are against them, they will act like
enemies. Secondly, I ask if the
wife feels that she is loved. This
question has to do more with emotional support and affection, than actions.
A woman will do almost anything for a man if she feels loved.
I ask the husband if he feels respected and appreciated.
A man will do almost anything for a woman if he feels respected
and appreciated. (This difference
in questions for the husband and wife reflects Ephesians Chapter 5.)
Finally, I ask them to rate their marriage and their “love life”
or sexual relationship on a scale form one (the worst marriage or sexual
relationship they know) to 10 (the best marriage or sexual relationship they
know). I particularly ask the
question about the physical relationship, because this area many times
mirrors other problems in the relationship or deep unresolved issues.
At other times, their physical relationship may be the strongest
part of the marriage.
2.
We can evaluate intimacy using the five types of love.
Conducting an intimacy analysis is very useful in helping a person
investigate his or her love relationship.
Because the word love in the English language can mean anything
from having a taste for ice cream to a sexual relationship, we must clarify
exactly how love is defined. Many
times one spouse will say that they love their spouse but they are not “in
love” with them. This usually
means that they have lost the romantic feeling of love for the spouse.
I use five Biblical, Greek, or Hebrew words and their English
counterparts to evaluate the levels of intimacy experienced by the couple.
I ask the clients to rate on a scale of one to ten how strong each
type of love is in their relationship.
a. Agape
(Biblical Greek) which is the unconditional commitment in the relationship.
This may or may not include strong feelings of caring.
This is “having the other’s best interest in mind.”
b. Phileo
(Biblical Greek) which is the friendship or companionship in the
relationship. This usually
reflects whether they are friends and like to spend time and do things
together.
c. Eros
(Greek) which is the romantic love in the relationship.
These are the connection or feelings
of affection, excitement, and pleasure expressed in the
relationship.
d. Theleo (Greek) which is spiritual love including
beliefs, goals, and worldview.
This question
tells me how united the
couple is in their vision and direction for life.
e. Yada` (Hebrew) which means “to
know” or have physical love with someone.
Because men and women are so different in this area,
many conflicts from other areas of their relationship are manifested in the
couples “love life.”
3. Use intersecting circles to diagram healthy
and unhealthy relationships.
In order to explain what dysfunctional and ideal relationships or marriages
looks like, I use circles to represent each of the persons involved.
In marriage, we are not to become one identity or two circles on
top of each other (codependent dependence) or two separate circles where
there is not relationship (codependent independence).
Not even the two intersecting circles that describes a healthy
worldly relationship are ultimate, but three intersecting circles identical
to the Trinity which consist of ourselves, our spouse, and God.
I point out that these circles represent seven different
relationships that must remain sound to have a healthy marriage.
Note that this relationship consists of three whole persons.
God’s place in the marriage is to direct it and to meet the needs
that our mate cannot meet or fails to meet.
4. The marriage blood covenant emphasizes the
seriousness of marriage.
Because marriage is taken so lightly in our society, I show clients that
marriages are blood covenants, the most binding and irrevocable type of
agreement on earth. I usually
start by telling them the story of Stanley’s search for Dr. Livingstone told
in The Blood Covenant by Kenyon (1969).
The blood covenant at that time required the shedding of blood,
the drinking of wine, curses or oaths before God, gifts, and a witness.
I show them that God made a covenant with Noah, Abraham, Israel,
and us. In fact, the division of
the Bible, between the Old and New Testament, is really the old and new
blood covenant. Jesus clearly
stated that the last supper was a covenant supper and that the blood He was
to shed was the blood of the new covenant of salvation that He made with us.
I then show them that their marriage vows were the oath, the rings
they exchanged were the gifts, the grape juice they drank was the wine of
the covenant and when the women’s hymen was broken as they consummated the
marriage, the blood was shed. The
final point I make is that it was the witness’ job to insure that the vows
of the covenant were kept and to punish any violation of the covenant.
I then have them turn to the book of Malachi and read Malachi
2:14. “Yet ye say, Wherefore?
Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy
youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion,
and the wife of thy covenant.”
It is, therefore, clearly God’s job to punish any violation of our
marriage vows. In ancient days, the
penalty for violation of a blood covenant was death.
5. We can use analogies to
emphasis the need for teamwork. I try
to get those in any
a. The football team analogy. If they seem to be
competing and not working together in their marriage, I suggest that it is
like they are on a football team; and they have just lost the last game
because they have been tackling each other and have been helping the other
team. I ask what they would do if they were on such a team? The
answer, of course, is that they need to quit competing and make some plans
of how they can work together to win the game. I suggest that mutual
boundary agreements are like plays and their marriage agreement is like
their team contract. They are committed until the end of the season
(life) so that they might as well start working together to win the Super
Bowl.
b. The sinking ship analogy. If the couple is in a major
power struggle or a “love fight,” I suggest that it is like they are on a
sinking ship. They are complaining that the other is not bailing water
fast enough while they are drilling holes in the bottom of the boat.
If they do not start working together as a crew, they are both going to
drown; and their entire family is going down with them!
c. The rats in the cage analogy. If they
are constantly verbally attacking each other, I suggest they are
just like two rats in a cage. The cage is outfitted with an electric
shock pad on the bottom that can be turned off if one of the rats pushes a
button. The experimenter has turned off the button so that no matter
how hard they try they cannot stop the shocks. I ask them what they
think the rats did in actual experiments? The answer is that the rats
attacked each other! This analogy is like marriage. In a
marriage, they expect that their mate will at least attempt to shield them
from the problems or shocks of life. They are okay as long as they are
able to cope effectively with the stress in their lives, but when they are
no longer able to stop the shocks, the clients, just like the rats,
are attacking each other. Problems, circumstances, and possibly Satan
have conspired to try to split up their marriage and make them fight each
other. So far Satan seems to be winning. At least one rat could
climb on the back of the other and take turns so only one would be shocked
at a time, or they could try to work together to escape the cage at the next
feeding. Attacking each other makes no sense and gains nothing.
6. We can use tennis as an example of healthy
relationships. When discussing
how to build a healthy relationship, especially with somebody who is
codependent, I will say that “you must learn to play tennis.”
The analogy is this. In
a healthy relationship, one person initiates and waits for the other to
respond. If the other chooses not
to respond, they go on their way and may try again another day.
Because a codependent is so desperate for a relationship, they
will keep initiating until they drive the other person away.
It is almost as if they are a tennis serving machine and the other
person thinks they are “shooting” tennis balls at them.
Trying to demand attention or manipulate someone into a
relationship never works for long.
7. A chariot race analogy
can teach healthy dating relationships.
The goal of this chariot race is to keep all of the horses abreast
of each other and to have both chariots finish the race together. Each
chariot has five horses representing the five types of love discussed above.
If some of the horses, pulling one of the chariots, get way ahead of
the others, the chariot will be upset. For example, if physical love
gets way ahead of commitment as is sometimes the case, the woman may feel
used; or if spiritual love gets way ahead of romantic love, the relationship
will feel dry. Of course, it is also a problem if one member of the
dating couple gets way ahead of the other and is ready to marry, while the
other is still not ready to commit to the relationship. The point is
that any horses that are getting ahead need to be reigned in until the
remaining horses can get caught up, or an unbalanced, unstable relationship
will develop. Solid relationships take time and require a foundation
in all five areas of intimacy.
8.
God expects us to be under submission to His spiritual
authority. This means we
ultimately work for Him, but we do so by cooperating with those He has set
over us. This is analogous to the
situation in the United States Armed Forces where a senior master sergeant
salutes and works for the brand new second
lieutenant, not because he believes the new lieutenant knows more;
but because he respects the authority of those above him; and ultimately he
works for his country. He also
feels protected since he is not expected to follow his superiors orders if
they violate the directions of those having authority above them.
As an example, a wife can more easily follow her husband, even if
she disagrees with him, knowing that she is following and serving Christ.
This submission is much easier when she understands that she is
not expected to follow any directions that violate either God’s specific
direction or the Bible. This is
called spiritual authority. (For
more information read Spiritual Authority (1972) by Watchman Nee.)
9.
All marriage problems can be eventually resolved using
consistent, effective boundaries.
Because of the strict Biblical limits on divorce and remarriage,
sometimes one of the members of a difficult marriage may feel trapped; but
there is an effective way out.
Especially in marriages where one spouse is saved and has not committed
adultery, yet still is abusive or addicted, the other spouse might feel they
have no choice but to violate Biblical principles and divorce.
In my experience, this is not ever necessary.
Although the Bible does not recommend separation, it is sometimes
necessary when abuse or addictions are involved.
If the non-offending spouses will choose to deal with their own
problems, get healthy themselves, and learn to set effective boundaries,
eventually their spouses will either have to deal with their own problems,
will crash and have to get help, or will divorce them to marry somebody
else. According to Biblical
principles, if the offending spouse remarries, they have committed adultery,
thus providing the grounds for a Biblical divorce.
In this case, the spouse is free.
In my own experience, this type of resolution has occurred in
every case, but sometimes, it has taken as long as two years to complete.
The length of time involved is usually dependent on how long it
takes for the non-offending spouse to recover themselves and start
exercising loving, healthy boundaries.
10.
A decrease in sexual intimacy may result from the “cycle of
sexuality.” A significant
decrease or the cessation of sexual intimacy is not uncommon in many
marriages. Although many factors
may be involved, this problem is many times due to what I call the “cycle of
sex.” Women and men function
sexually as mirror images. Women
need affection and emotional support in order to feel sexual, while men need
sex to feel affectionate and emotionally supporting.
Consequently, if a man becomes busy and does not give his wife
affection or emotional support, over a period of time she will not be as
interested in sex and he the frequency of love making will decrease.
Because he has not been sexual, he will not feel as affectionate
and emotionally supportive, etc. and the sexual relationship will wind down.
Of course, the opposite is true.
If he will again become affectionate, she will feel more sexually
responsive; he will get more sex and will, therefore, feel more affectionate
toward his wife, etc.
11.
Men build relationships primarily by working together.
Consequently, while
12. Feelings depend on our perceptions of
how others meet our needs. Dr.
Harley’s Love Bank Theory suggests that the more we perceive another person
as meeting our need, the more we fall in love with them; and the more we
perceive them as against us, the more we hate them.
(See His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters.)
As long as we are insecure, we will be limited to loving those who
love us and hating those who we perceive are against us.
This is the natural state of affairs for those who see themselves
as needy. It will not change until
we have a revelation of God’s love and care for us, without our works.
13. Emotional problems in relationships are usually the result of attachment wounds. Attachment wounds occur when we feel our attachment needs threatened. Often, when we try to address them, the attachment figure is defensive, insensitive, or rejecting. We, as counselors, need to help those involved address these wounds in a more sensitive way. Can we help each of them to see these wounds as attachment alarms and coping mechanisms, and help them to understand the deep hurt that they have caused? The counseling of attachment alarms goes well beyond forgiveness and usually requires the training of each spouse to do a better, more sensitive job in handling emotional issues. (For steps to heal attachment wounds see Chapter 9 of Safe Haven Marriage (Hart, 2003))
For videos on this subject select the links below:
1. The Principles of Relationships (Principles for Life Lesson 7) [Start 25:10]
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