1.  Those who seek love don’t find it, but those who give it freely, get it abundantly. Clients seeking to find the fulfillment of love in the world can be challenged with this “paradox of love.”  The paradox of love states that “those who directly seek or demand love never find it, but those who liberally give it away receive it in abundance.”  The point is that trying to meet the need for love by direct means fails.  A large majority of clients that are struggling to be loved are desperately trying to obtain love and, therefore, cannot find it.  What works is to seek God’s kingdom, receive love from Him, and give love to others without any strings attached. (Matt 6:33)  

            2.  The analogy of the emotional train helps us “get our love back.”  When clients understand that their emotions are the caboose of the train which follows their will, mind, and actions, it becomes clear that they can only control their emotions through deciding to love, changing their perceptions of the person or situation, and acting in a loving way.  Eventually the caboose (their emotions), will follow the rest of the train. 

           3.   Praying for our enemies can lead to loving them.  This is because payer is an action that has the other person’s best interest in mind.  It is actually acting in a loving way.  Our loving action (praying) affects our thoughts.  In order to act in this way, we must have already changed our will in relationship to them. Consequently, following the emotional train above, if we decide to love, convince our mind, and act accordingly eventually our emotions (the caboose) will follow.  

           4.  Teach attachment theory.  Attachment theory provides a new frame of reference for understanding personal conflict.  Until people understand that each of us have different attachment styles and that these are at the core of how we relate to others, they tend to see everything as personal attacks or abandonment.  This makes the other person an enemy and it is very difficult to reconcile enemies.  Ongoing fighting or entrenched problems with love are many times “love fights” or attachment problems.  Both persons desperately want to feel loved by the other one.  By teaching attachment theory, identifying the attachment style of each, and re-interpreting their fighting as attempts to make the other person safe for them again, the entire picture can be transformed.  (For a fuller explanation of attachment theory see Faith Therapy or Attachments (2002) by Clinton and Sibcy.) 

         5.   Help them use their faith in God to develop a secure attachment style in this life. Secure attachment styles only come through the experience of being secure in our attachments.  Although it is possible to feel secure in this world; true security only comes from a trusting relationship with God, the ultimate attachment figure.  Secure attachments increase our feelings of security and lead to feelings of being loved.  They also provide the basis from which we can love others unconditionally.  (See the chart in my book Faith Therapy which outlines how secure attachment provides the basis for developing agape love.) 

The Principles of Lust 

             Perhaps one of the areas of life most prone to difficulty in our society today is the struggle to overcome lust in our lives.  Lust is a selfish, consuming, counterfeit for love.  It has been reported that at a Promise Keepers meeting two-thirds of the men admitted to having periodic struggles with sexual lust. When this is added to the problems in our society over a quest for money, eating, and buying things, the magnitude of this problem becomes readily apparent.  But what does this word lust mean?  In the Greek three words can be translated lust.  Orexis is translated lust in conjunction with homosexuality and means, “a desire, longing, craving for, an eager desire, lust, or appetite.”  Pathos can also be translated as inordinate affection or lust.  It means, “whatever befalls one, whether it be sad or joyous.”  But it can also mean a passionate deed, either good or bad.  Epithumia is translated as lust, concupiscence, desire, or to lust after.  It means a “desire, a craving, a longing, a desire for what is forbidden, a lust, and it denotes a strong desire of any kind, both good and bad.”  It is many times preceded by a descriptive term indicating the type of desire. 

Counseling Methods and Techniques 

             1.  We must view lust as poison.  The client will not usually be victorious over lust until he realizes that he must confront lust before it has taken hold in the mind, will, or emotions.  Consequently, I suggest the analogy to clients that lust is poison.  We can not take even one drop of it or we will eventually die.  Just as one drink leads to another, so one taste of lust brings us into a bondage that will destroy our spiritual discernment, our desire for God, and our motivation to accomplish His will in our lives.  Lust really brings death to all that is good in life. 

            2.  Life has only two modes or experiences:  freedom or bondage.  I explain to the client that he will  either experience complete freedom or he will be in bondage.  It is not true that he can have a small taste of lust and return immediately to a life of freedom from lust.  Even one taste will so affect him that it will take a significant recovery effort to escape again from the bondage that he has brought upon himself.  This is because lust affects our will and our desire to do what is right and undermines our ability to do it. Sometimes I use a skit our drama team performed at an outreach concert as an illustration.  In the first scene, a man walked onto the stage with a small monkey on his shoulder.  A second actor tried to warn him about “monkeys” but he liked this one and it could not hurt anything since it was so small.  In the second scene the monkey had grown to significantly but the man explained that he had it completely under control and it did whatever he wanted it to do.  Again he was warned, but he refused to listen.  Finally, in the third scene a huge ape lumbered onto the stage holding the man upside down by the ankles.  He said, “Now I see what you were warning me about.”  Unfortunately, many of us will not listen until we first have to experience the bondage that results from entertaining a little lust in our lives.  

Principles of Dying to the Self and the Flesh     

            Self-centeredness or selfishness is the underlying basis of the sin problem.  The psychological needs of the self, which are a need to feel worthwhile, to be significant, to be secure, and to be loved and accepted, drive us to attempt to meet these needs through the flesh.  In secular counseling, the goal is to help the client to better meet the needs of the self and to learn to meet these needs in a more socially acceptable way.  Without faith, it is impossible to truly deal with the problem of the selfishness within.  Through faith, God calls us to give up immediate gratification for the far greater rewards of the kingdom of God.  These principles of dying to the self lead us to learn to serve God and His interests as we, by faith, know that He will take care of our needs because He loves us.  It is a life exchange of our natural life (psuche) for the life of God (Zoe).  Jim Elliott, who was martyred as a missionary in South America, put it this way:  “He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to have that which he cannot lose.” (Through Gates of Splendor, Elisabeth Elliott, 1986)            

Counseling Methods and Techniques 

             1.  We must give up worldly desires if we want God’s abundant life.  It is an exchange process like emptying a glass of water, so it can be filled with air.  If we are not willing to dump out the water of this life, we will never be filled with the Spirit of God.  We only experience the abundant life of God to the degree we are willing to give up the desires of this life. 

             2.  If we will not crucify the flesh, we will receive its manifestations.  These manifestations of the flesh are listed in Galatians 5:19.  These deeds are sin and they will eventually destroy the very life we are trying to preserve.  Usually, this can be aptly demonstrated by examining the client’s efforts in the flesh and the resulting consequences that have led the client to come to counseling in the first place.  King Saul was removed as K?ing because he refused to completely destroy the Amalekites which are a type of the flesh (1Sam 28:8).  If we will not fully crucify the flesh in our lives, God may not be able to fully accomplish through us what He has called us to do in our lives.  

            3.  If we try to rely on both the flesh and the Spirit, we will eventually lose everything.We must help the client understand that without the death of his flesh, he cannot produce the fruit of eternal life.  We will either have one or the other.  Those who try to ride the fence and have both, lose both. 

            4.  If we focus on the things of God, worldly things become less important.  What we spend our time on increases in value and in importance in our lives.  The old chorus says it best: “Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace.” (Helen Lemmel, 1922) 

            5.   We are to seek servanthood instead of prominence.  Even large secular companies have reached the conclusion that they can increase production by taking the position that they are there to help the employee do his job better and to help him meet his needs.  Servant leadership is dying to self.  This is the position that God took in sending us His son. 

           6.  We need to rely on God’s power, not our own.   We should help the client to want to do things God’s way, relying on God’s strength and power; not his own.  If the client tries to do what he wants, tries to do it in his own strength, or tries to do God’s work his way, he will fail and feel overwhelmed with the demands of life. God says that His assignment is easy and if we do it his way, it will bring rest to our souls (Matt 11:30)

CHAPTER 9:  THE PRINCIPLES OF MOTIVATION 

The Principles of Motivation 

When our perceived needs are not met, we are automatically motivated to act in a way to meet those needs.  Emotions such as fear or anger, that are based on our perceptions of our circumstances, motivate us to action.  The possibility of positive or negative consequences, which might result from our actions, may also influence us to act or refrain from those actions.  An excessive desire or motivation for the wrong things in life or a lack of motivation to change what is wrong in our lives can become difficult obstacles in the counseling process.  Sometimes a lack of motivation is a sign that the client is: smoking marijuana, is having an affair in a troubled marriage, is depressed, is “burnt out,” has lost his vision for his life, or has lost hope in the future.  At other times, it simply indicates that the de-motivators outnumber the motivators.  God has His own methods for providing motivation in our lives. 

Counseling Methods and Techniques 

1.      God’s three methods of motivation help a client to change.  We should make it clear to clients that learning, understanding, and obeying the Word of God provides a shelter from consequences and judgment.  If we continue doing the same thing and do not learn from our consequences, eventually we will receive even larger consequences or judgment.  God keeps good booksWHAT DOES THIS MEAN? and will do for us whatever we need to help us to repent, turn from sin, and become whole.  

2.      A parachute analogy demonstrates the truth that most of us really trust God only when everything else fails.  I use this illustration to help the client understand that he will probably try, in his own efforts, to make life work for him until everything he tries to do fails.  Only then will he fully and completely put his trust in God.  I ask my clients if they actually believe that parachutes work?  Most people believe that they do.  I then ask them if they were standing on the top of a very high cliff if they would jump off and try the parachute.  Most people say they would not.  That is how we are as people.  We would rather rely on something we think we can really trust—ourselves and solid ground—than to take a chance on someone or something else; even God.  I then ask what they would do if the ledge they are standing on suddenly collapsed and they began to fall.  If they are truly honest, they would probably try to jump for the solid ground or grab onto anything they could including rocks or trees.  They would use the parachute only after they had tried everything they could do to save themselves and all other hope vanished.  Until we realize that, without God, there is no hope of a full and abundant life, most of us will not fully rely on God.  I many times suggest that the fact that they are currently in such a desperate situation can be a blessing if they will use it to give up their own efforts and try the parachute (God). 

3.      We can overcome inaction by evaluating motivators and de-motivators.  When clients will not act, although they say they are convinced that they should act, it is a sign that they are perceiving that the de-motivators exceed the motivators in this situation.  We can help the client analyze what is causing the resistance by listing what he sees as the motivation to act and the motivation not to act.  Reducing the de-motivators and increasing the motivators through reframing the situation can usually remove the impasse. 

4.  Failure to do homework results in doing it in the counseling session.  If a client consistently fails to do homework assignments, the counselor can make it clear that assignments that are incomplete will be finished in the next counseling session.  I explain that it is their choice whether to do assignments at home at no charge, or to pay me to help them complete them in the next session.  Doing homework in session will increase the number of sessions required, slow their progress in treatment, and increase the cost of their counseling.  By doing so, I demonstrate a clear example of boundaries and natural consequences. 

The Principles of Consequences 

            As we have seen, God uses consequences as motivation.  Another name for the principles of consequences might be the principle of sowing and reaping.  The choices we make in life will inevitably result in consequences now and many times later in our lives.  It is by these consequences that we learn to repeat those things that brought us desired results, and we learn not to do those things that produce negative results.  In psychology, this is called behavior modification.  In a way, God uses behavior modification to motivate us to do what is right and to obey Him.  These principles have been preached primarily in the church as they apply to giving and receiving of tithes and offerings, but they actually apply to all aspects of our lives.  

            Throughout the entire Bible, it is clear that what we do determines, in the long run, what we get back; and this determines how our lives ultimately turn out.  These basic principles apply to everyone without exception.    These methods are called operant conditioning in secular psychology and have even been used successfully in mental institutions as token economies.  However, for the Christian, we have promises and blessings that even exceed this natural law of sowing and reaping.           

Counseling Methods and Techniques           

            1.   The client will eventually learn from his mistakes.  Even mentally ill clients can learn from their consequences.  It is not our job, as counselors, to “make our clients change,” but God’s method of sowing and reaping consequences will eventually lead them to want change no matter how determined they are to resist it.  Many times I will help them to understand where their actions are leading them and ask if that is where they really want to go?  As an example, if they are sowing selfish love they should not be surprised if that is what they are receiving back from others.   If they want unconditional love, that is what they will have to sow.  

            2.  Sowing and reaping can change our actions.  Each of us, after we are saved, has an ongoing conflict between the flesh and the Spirit in our minds for the control of our will.  The answer to victory is simple:  sow to Spirit and you will reap life everlasting. (Galatians 6:8)  I remember one lady who read the Bible for three days straight to win the battle over her will.  If we sow to the Spirit, we will eventually act according to the Spirit.  

            3.  God’s promises motivate us to do His will.  All the covenants and promises of God can provide motivation for us to act according to His will.  The more we realize He loves us (and has our best interests in mind) and the more we experience His blessings, the more we will want to do His will.  Finally, our growing faith in God and the resulting blessings may eventually motivate us to have the faith to believe for a hundredfold return. 

            4. We can pray for a crop failure.  If we believe in the principles of sowing and reaping, and we realize we have planted bad seed in our lives, we can repent and ask the Lord for mercy.  God promises Christians much more than we should expect according to the law of sowing and reaping, and he is also willing to grant us a crop failure if repent and ask Him for it.            

The Principles of Fear 

            Fear is motivation to flee from danger.  Ignoring this gift can lead to disaster.  Unfortunately, many times this gift, which was given to us for our good, can overwhelm us and bring negative consequences.  The New Testament Greek word Phobeo makes this clear since its primary meaning is “ to put to flight by terrifying.”  When used as “the fear of God” it can also mean,  “to reverence, venerate, to treat with deference or reverential obedience.”  Fearing or trusting God drives worldly fear from our lives.  Praising God in all of our circumstances, as an expression of our faith that He will turn everything for our good (Rom 8:28), can help us overcome our fears. 

Counseling Methods and Techniques 

1.      Confronting fear is always the best policy.  When we run from our fears, they seem to get stronger.  This is because we have just added the agreement of our will and actions to the thoughts that created the emotions of fear.  If instead, we confront our fears, we take a stand in our will, mind, and actions that we will not allow them to rule over us. 

2.      We can overcome difficult fears one step at a time.  In secular counseling, this process is called systematic desensitization.  In the Bible, we are taught this method in the conquering of the city of Jericho. (Joshua 6)  The Children of Israel silently marched around the city of Jericho for six days in order to strengthened their faith that they could conquer the city.  They then declared their faith with a victory shout, and the walls of fear came tumbling down.  This method suggests slowly confronting our fears one step at a time as we grow in confidence that the next step can be overcome.  As we progress step-by-step, we can eventually face our greatest fear.  Sometimes, this is done as a mental process before it is acted out in the physical world.  A common example of this method in most of our lives was learning to dive off the high diving board.  First, we overcome our fear of water by learning to swim.  Then we learned to jump off the side of the pool.  Later, we dove off of a low diving board until we had enough confidence to jump off the high board. 

3.      Fear can be overcome by focusing on God instead of our problems.  This method is taught in the story of the exodus from Egypt, when God instructed Moses to make a bronze snake on a pole.  If an Israelite, who had been bitten by a deadly snake, looked at the snake on the pole; they were healed. (Num 21:8)  The snake on the pole represented Jesus taking our sin upon Himself.  When we focus on God, our problems seem to get smaller.  When we focus on our problems, they and our fears increase. 

4.      Experiencing the love of God casts out all fear.  One answer for dealing with fear is to develop a close personal relationship with God.  When, in our intimate relationship with God, we realize that He really loves and cares for us and that He will protect us, we are not so afraid of what will happen to us. 

5.      We can overcome anxiety by praising God in all situations.  When we do this, we are acting on our faith that even in the current negative circumstances; God will work everything for our good. (Romans 8:28)  Our praise is an outward expression of our faith, and it helps us focus on the greatness of God.  Praising God, as an expression of faith, breaks the power of fear and anxiety and will help us face our circumstances positively.  It is declaring the truth of Romans 8:18,  “For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.” 

The Principles of Anger 

            Anger is similar to fear in its effect on our body, but it is energy to resolve problems or injustices.  It has been given as a gift to us, so that we will have the motivation and energy to overcome our problems.  Unfortunately, it too can be used incorrectly with dire consequences.  When we bury it, anger can lead to bitterness and sickness.  There are a number of Greek words for anger and wrath so it is necessary to carefully interpret verses on this subject.  Orge means “a strong controlled passion or impulse.”  Thumos is usually translated wrath and means “an agitated condition or outburst which quickly blazes and subsides.”  Paraorgismos is stronger but more short lived than Orge.  Cholao means “to be enraged.”           

Counseling Methods and Techniques 

1.      We can control the amount of anger by how we perceive the situation.  Anger is energy to resolve a problem.  It is also a secondary emotion.  Since anger is an emotion, it is controlled by how we choose to look at a situation.  The amount of anger we create is significantly different when we look at a circumstance or problem as unintentional or an accident, or if we believe it was intentionally done.  We can either say “they have a problem and I will pray for them,” or we can blame ourselves.  We can either perceive it as a small problem or a catastrophe. 

2.      The first step in anger management is to realize that we are angry.  We need to identify feelings, physical symptoms, self-talk, and actions that signal that we are angry.  It is impossible to deal with something we do not realize is happening.  Since anger is a secondary emotion, it is created only when we are also experiencing more primary emotions like hurt, betrayal, powerlessness, or worthlessness.  Numerous physical signs like increased heart beat, tension, sweating, flushed face, and agitation are clear signs of anger (and sometimes fear).  We tend to talk faster, pace, and ruminate in our minds when we are afraid or angry.  In any case, the counselor may need to assist the client to learn how he can most effectively identify his anger as soon as possible. 

3.      We need to take a “anger break” in order to have time to control our anger.   Unless we do, we will probably react instead of respond in a correct, reasonable way.  I tend to avoid the term “time out” because it can be interpreted as punishment for a child.  However, I suggest a specific plan for use by my clients.  It has three steps.  a.       When a client feels that they or anyone else is becoming angry, they are to state that they need to take a “anger break.”  They and any other persons involved are to suspend the discussion for thirty minutes so that all involved have time to de-anger, think about the problem, and let the tension between them subside.  If they are at home they should go to separate rooms and return after the break.  It is important to specify the amount of time and that he will return to resolve the problem so that the other person does not perceive the break as abandonment.  b.  If the other person refuses to take the break, the person calling for the strife break has the right to retire to the nearest bathroom and lock the door so that he or she can take the required break.  The thirty minutes does not start until the pursuing person quits talking.  I even suggest, if necessary, that they stash ear plugs and a good magazine in the bathroom for such occasions.  A variant of this anger or strife break, suggested by an associate pastor I know, is to spend the time praying for the other person. c.   In extreme cases, if the other person refuses to take the break and might be so violent as to try to break through the bathroom door, that person has the right to leave the home and go to a public place from which they can call after the thirty minutes.  If an anger problem still exists, they can hang up and continue to call back at thirty minute intervals until they are able to resolve the problem and return home.  If not, the problem should be taken to counseling. 

4.      We need to de-anger or talk ourselves down from high levels of anger.  We need the appropriate level of anger for effectively solving the problem.  In our domestic violence therapy group, I give the illustration of a greased playground slide with ten steps.  Each step relates to an increasing level of anger.  After climbing the tenth step and getting on the greased slide, there is little chance of stopping a rapid descent and an angry crash.  The steps for anger management include:  1.  Identify the fact that you are angry.  2.  Take a “time out” or “anger break” so that you have time to respond instead of react.  3.  During the break, de-anger or talk yourself down to a reasonable level by rationally evaluating the situation and deciding what will be the most effective action to bring the desired result. This method of anger management is extremely effective in most situations. 

5.      We need to use our anger to resolve the situation, give it to God or drop it.  These are the three acceptable uses of anger.  Since anger is energy to resolve problems or injustices we should use it first for its primary purpose—to resolve the problem.  In cases where we have done everything we can do, but are unable to resolve the problem, we should give our anger to God.  In cases where the problem is insignificant and not worth the effort, we should drop it. 

6.     We should avoid the wrong uses of anger.  In counseling, I use the illustration that anger is like a stick of dynamite.  The size of the stick depends on how large we perceive the problem.  Aggression is using our anger to attack or violate another’s rights, because they have violated ours.  This is like having someone hand us a stick of lit dynamite and throwing it back at them.  Displacement is when we take out our anger on someone who is not involved in the problem.  This is like having someone hand us a lit stick of dynamite and throw it at somebody else.  Depression is caused by turning anger inward.  This is like someone handing us a lit stick of dynamite, and we stick it in our mouth and wait for it to explode.  Passive-aggression is when we covertly get back at someone.  It is like sneaking the lit stick of dynamite into the back pocket of the person who gave it to you.  Finally, stuffing anger is internalizing it and not using it to resolve the problem for which it was intended.  This is like thinking that we are putting out the fuse and sticking it into our pocket.  In actuality, it is apt to go off an any time.  If it does not, pretty soon we will have our pockets full of dynamite and when someone comes by with a match we will experience a tremendous explosion.           

7.      We should not take offenses personally.  We need to resolve the problem, not the erson.  Unfortunately, many times we can get confused between what is the real problem to be resolved and the personal issues involved in the problem.  A classic example is given in the movie “Godfather I.”  In this film, the gangs of Chicago have a disagreement concerning whether they should be involved in selling illegal drugs.  Instead of using their energy to resolve the problem and reach some agreement, they start shooting members of the other gangs.  At a meeting after the other gang had shot the Godfather’s dad seven times, a member of the other gang states, “But don’t take it personally.”  The Godfather responds by killing two of the other gang members.  By the end of the movie, almost all of the gang leaders had been murdered yet they were no closer to resolving the question than before.  They did not use their anger to resolve the problem, but personalized it, and ended up destroying each other. (The Godfather, directed by Francio Coppla, 1972)  Unfortunately, many times we do the same.  The Bible is clear in its condemnation of such a use of anger. We are not to compare ourselves with others, blame others, judge others, envy others, compete with others, or expect them to be the primary source to meet our needs.   We are to love our enemies, pray for them, and do good to them as we trust God to vindicate us and provide for all our needs.   Jesus even forgave the Roman soldiers who taunted Him, whipped Him, mocked Him, and crucified Him.  The problem was not the Roman soldiers, it was sin in the Roman soldiers. 

8.  We can use an anger diagram to teach anger management.        

 CHAPTER 10:  THE PRINCIPLES OF ACTION        

Our actions are the result of what we think, perceive, believe, focus on, feel, and decide to do.  They say more than words can say about who we are.  They are the sum of what our heart has decided to do.  If we do not act in a certain way, it is because at least some part of our heart is not in agreement.  Our actions in turn determine what we experience, think and feel, and affect what we will do the next time.  Consequently, it is clear that actions are a potentially significant agent for change in our lives.             

Principles of Actions

Counseling Methods and Techniques

1.      We are to do everything as unto God.  Since many times our actions are hindered by relationships problems with people, we need to learn to do absolutely everything as though we were doing it all for God.  In fact, this is exactly what we should be doing.  If we do this, we will be delivered from trying to please people instead of doing what God tells us to do.  Since we are to do everything ultimately for Christ, we can work our job for Him even if we do not like our boss.  Instead of serving him, we are serving  Christ. 

2.      We must break the dance of anger and conflict.  Conflicts, many times, become patterns that have been described as dances.  Each person does something, the other reacts, and the first reacts to the reaction.  To break a dance, only one person needs to do something differently. 

Principles of Confession 

            Confession, or what we say, is another specific way in which we can choose to act.  Confession is actually preaching to ourselves.  How many times have we heard the lie, “Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me?”  What we say does have a very significant effect on our lives even in the natural realm.  In the realm of the spirit, its effect is even more important. 

Counseling Methods and Techniques 

1.      We need to be careful not to confess doubt and unbelief.  To do so works against the power of faith in our lives.  Nevertheless, sometimes clients, who have been taught on positive confession, take it to such an extreme that they are unwilling to confess that they have had or are now experiencing anything negative in their lives.  This can make counseling difficult because the clients feel they cannot be honest about how they feel with their counselor or they are making a negative confession.  In these cases, the counselor must help the client understand that it is not a negative confession to state that we have symptoms of a sickness or that we feel bad, even though we know that according to the Bible “by His stripes we were healed” 2000 years ago.  The fact is that our healing has not yet manifested in the physical realm.  It is also not negative confession to state what has happened in the past or present.  It is a negative confession to state that we believe negative things will happen in the future. 

2.      We are to edify one-another in everything we do.  That does not mean speaking “white” lies to make someone else feel better,  but it does mean focusing on and speaking the positive things that we do see and believe.  If we will start making this a habit by doing it daily, it will eventually become a part of our personality. 

3.      In our confession, we must not contradict God’s positive word for us.  To do so is to call God a liar, and He cannot lie.  The Bible makes it clear that He has positive plans for our future.  Jeremiah 29:11 states, “ For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.”    

The Principles of Communication 

            Communication is also a specific type or mode of acting.  It is different from confession in that communication always involves at least two persons and perceptions and filtering can play a major part.  Good communication is when what the first individual tried to express is sent and received without distortion or misinterpretation by the second person.  I estimate that fifty percent of perceived offences in most marriages are the result of poor communication between men and women and were not intended to offend  the other spouse.  Of course, communication can be used for both good and evil purposes.   

Counseling Methods and Techniques   

 1.      We must learn to really listen.  Unfortunately, most of us are more interested in getting our point across than hearing and understanding what the other person is saying.  This is not only counterproductive to good communication, but demonstrates our own self-centeredness and selfishness, which will negatively affect our relationships.  We need to strive to really hear the other person first.  By doing this, we earn the right to be heard.  Men are many times poor listeners. 

2.      We must learn how the other gender communicates.  As I said, it is my estimate that over half of all offenses in most marriages were not intended by the mate.  These conflicts were caused by gender-communication errors.  Numerous books have been written on this issue including Hidden Keys to a Loving Lasting Marriage (1988) by Gary Smalley and the secular series that started with Men are From Mars and Women from Venus (1992) by Dr John Gray. 

3.      We are responsible for what we say even when provoked.  Many of us have a problem reacting to what others say.  We seem to believe that if they said something hurtful first, that this justifies what we say back to them.  This only leads to escalation, destroys relationships, and accomplishes nothing. 

4.      We must put off all wrong communication including cussing and swearing.  Not only does the Bible direct this, but it only makes sense.  To wrongly communicate means to do something that results in miscommunication.  Miscommunication means that we do not get across what we really want to say.  Cussing and swearing are done to try to emphasize a point.  It is used by persons that feel of little worth to try to artificially make themselves feel more powerful.  It simply tells the entire world that we have a problem with low self-worth or that in the situation we feel powerless.  Putting others down is also wrong communication.  When we put others down, we are assuming we are better than others.  God values us all equally.   

 5.     We can teach the speaker-listener technique to help couples communicate.  This method was developed to stop escalation, discounting, withdrawing, and excessively negative interpretations.  To begin this technique, some object is selected to symbolize which person is in control of the conversation.  Only the person who has the controller is allowed to initiate communication.  They are to speak using “I” and “we” statements concerning any subject.  The other person is to listen and paraphrase what has been said.  The process proceeds a few sentences at a time.  When the person with the controller wants a response, he or she asks a question and then turns the controller over to the other person.  In this way communication continues and is clarified until the conversation ends.  (See Fighting for Your Marriage by Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg (1994) for more information.) 

The Principles of Responsibility 

            These principles are possibly the least understood and most controversial principles in the Bible.  God simply wants us to unilaterally do what is good and right without regard to how we are treated and without reacting to what others do.  I will ask my clients, “When you stand before God, is He going to ask you what the other person did?”  No, He will ask you what you did and how you reacted to what the other person did.  God’s idea of how to deal with relationships is to do good and to always have the other person’s best interest in mind (love).  Many miss the fact that the principles of non-retribution are not to be blindly applied to every case.  Some people are “swine” or “wolves.”  These methods are not to be applied to those who will attack you for being good to them. 

Counseling Methods and Techniques 

1.      We must do what is right, no matter what others do.  God expects us to do what is right even when provoked.  When we stand before Him, He will not ask us what the other person did, but how we responded to what they did. 

2.      We need to always respond to offenses with good instead of evil.  This stops escalation and keeps us from becoming perpetrators of evil.  Although we are to do good to everyone, these verses do not require us to place ourselves in situations where we will be abused by truly evil people (dogs or swine). 

3.      Passive resistance is usually God’s method for overcoming evil.  When we continue to do what is right in spite of what others do, they may be ashamed of how they have treated us (coals on their head).  Through the Christian principle of passive resistance Gandhi (although not a Christian) ended the British colonization of India and Pakistan and Martin Luther King successfully lead the civil rights movement in the United States.  Boundaries are another form of passive resistance.   

The Principles of Judgment and Accountability 

            There is confusion in the church and in the secular world concerning when to confront others, hold others accountable, and when to judge others.  Many unbelievers will quote the verse “Judge not or you will be judged” (Mat 7:1) in order to deter Christians from telling them that what they are doing is wrong.  Although the Bible is quite clear on these points, a clear difference needs to be made between legal judgment or condemning someone, judging someone under our authority, and discerning whether something is right or wrong.             

Counseling Methods and Techniques 

1.      We are tempted to judge others because we feel inferior to or threatened by them.  The root cause of inappropriately judging or being critical of other people is that we are trying to bring them down to our own level or we feel threatened by them.  Dealing with judgmental clients can be difficult because the real issue is a problem with low self-worth or insecurity.  If we have fallen into the trap of comparing ourselves with others, we will try to make ourselves feel superior by putting them down.  Of course, each of us will find some way to “justify” our own actions. 

2.      We will be judged by the same measure that we use to judge others.  If we are critical and give no mercy, we should not expect to receive mercy from God and others.  We need to ask ourselves, “Is that the way we want to be judged and treated?”  Even though God Himself judges perfectly, He still mediates His judgment with abundant mercy.   

3.      Do not condemn or judge others, but discern actions and sins.  In the Bible, the word to judge is used in two ways: to judge people and to judge actions or sins.  Judgment implies a superior position of authority over the one being judged and condemnation implies a judicial action against a person.  Discernment, which has previously been discussed, is an evaluation of the sin, not the person.  We, as counselors, need to remember that, “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23), that we are saved by grace and not by works, and that we are all of equal worth in God’s eyes.  It is the Holy Spirit’s job to bring conviction, not ours.  With these thoughts in mind, we fully love and respect every client, but hate the sin that is destroying them.  We need to find the “scared little boy or girl” in every client, so that we can love them just like they are and help them “work out their own salvation with fear and trembling.” (Php 2:12) 

4.      We are to judge our own actions, but not condemn ourselves.  We are to evaluate our own sins and turn from them so that God will not have to convict and discipline us.  According to Romans 8:1, God will not condemn a Christian because we are covered by the blood of Christ.  Most persons that fall into self-condemnation are really trying to either manipulate others by telling them that they are really not that bad or justify a pity party, so they can withdraw from life and lick their wounds. 

5.      Accountability can help us control our actions.  Accountability is inviting others to hold us responsible for our actions.  It is one of the first steps in dealing with addictive and compulsive habits.  Because most clients respect what others think of them and would be ashamed to admit that they are continuing to do things that they know are wrong, a daily or weekly accounting for their behavior can be an effective part of therapy.  Of course, the issues underlying the problem must be dealt with during this period of accountability, or the behavior might easily re-occur when the accountability has ended. 

6.      Confrontation should be used in the context of a caring relationship.  As mentioned in Transformation!, it was the confrontation with the god’s of Egypt that led to the deliverance of Israel from the bondage of Egypt.  However, the counselor needs to be careful to first earn the right to confront by establishing a caring relationship with the client or the result could easily be a termination of the counseling process by the client. 

The Principles of Justice  

            To be just means to be “Upright; honest. 2. Fair; impartial.” (The New International Webster’s Concise Dictionary of the English Language, edited by Sidney Landau, 1997)  It is being fair and equitable in all of our dealings and wanting what is best for everyone, not just ourselves.  To do this, we must eliminate selfishness or self-bias in our lives.  This requires believing that God will meet all of our needs.  If our needs are met, then we are free to unselfishly meet the needs of other people.  God’s goal is for us to have the good of everyone in mind in all that we do.  This is the very essence of love.  In counseling, this is called a win-win solution.  Instead of wanting to get the very best deal for ourselves, we should desire that everyone get a fair deal.             

Counseling Methods and Techniques 

1.      To be just and fair requires that everything be resolved with win-win solutions.  The first step to becoming just in our relationships is to decide that we will not agree to anything that is not a win-win solution.  Win-win solutions stop competition, stop feelings of being taken advantage of or used, and produce long-term friendships.  To want to desire win-win solutions, we must realize that short term wins never result in long-term victories and usually require that we lose the next time.  It is God’s way and the only way to have healthy relationships.  It is based on love, which is having the other person’s best interest in mind.  Working together or being a “team player” will increase the benefits for everyone involved. 

2.      True justice or righteousness comes only through God.  To become truly righteousness, we must first accept God’s imputed righteousness provided by Christ so that we can have an intimate relationship with God.  It is through faith (trust) which comes from this relationship that we realize that God will meet all our needs.  This is what delivers us from our selfishness.  As long as we are self-centered, we can never be righteous. 

3.      We need to realize that sanctification takes time.  We must give ourselves a break and not condemn ourselves.  God is not through with us yet.  Putting ourselves down and having a pity party only provides openings for depression and further satanic assault.  All God asks is that we trust Him and do our best.  He is the one who will transform us from glory to glory.  The Bible makes this clear in Micah 6:8,  “He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the LORD require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?” 

4.      We need to quit trying to fix ourselves and get out of the religious rat race.  We can not make ourselves more holy by our own strength, will-power, or actions.  This is the subject of the entire book of Galatians.  Unfortunately, many of us that have escaped the rat race of the world are now competing to become someone by our own efforts in the church.  This is called legalism.  (For more on this subject see  my book Revelations That Set You Free.) 

5.      In order to find true justice in the world, we must trust God.  All governments, even ours, are based on selfishness and, therefore, can never be completely just.  We need to do our part to support our government and seek justice in all that we do.  After we have done everything we can do, we need to turn the situation over to God, confident that He will bring true justice in His time.  In the end, He will make everything just.  “God keeps good books.”  (For more on this subject see chapter on justice in Transformation!) 

The Principles of Covenants 

When chaos exists, it is either because there are no boundaries, laws, rules, or agreements; or because people have refused to follow those boundaries.  This problem is typified in the Bible in Judges 17:6 through Judges 21:25 where it states, “In those days there was no king in Israel, but every man did that which was  right in his own eyes.”  In this situation people try to control and manipulate each other in order to get their needs met.  Whoever is strongest wins.  When people feel controlled, they are offended and rebel, making more control necessary.  When these kinds of problems exist, the Bible resorts to a solution called a covenant.  God’s laws are the boundary lines of His covenants with Abraham, Noah, Israel, and with us.   If we obey them, we will be blessed.  If we violate them, we will suffer consequences.  Boundaries or covenants are a primary method for externally controlling our actions in life.  (For more on this subject see boundaries in Transformation!)  In relationships, the term personal boundary means a declaration or agreement about to what will and will not be allowed in that relationship.  It usually includes a clear line of what is allowed and the natural or agreed-upon consequences if the line is crossed.  Boundaries are not the same as control in that they respect the other person’s free will to cross the line as long as they are willing to suffer the consequences.  Boundaries attempt to ensure that the person making the decision is the one who gets the consequences of that decision.  Laws are good examples of boundaries in public life.  The covenant method for resolving disputes in the Bible uses boundaries in a very specific manner.  Covenants must be agreed upon by both parties, and some physical monument or act was usually built as a reminder of the covenant.  Furthermore,  positive as well as negative consequences were specified, and the agreement was sworn before God, calling on Him to bring vengeance if the agreement was violated.  In ancient times, the covenant was the strongest of all agreements and was usually commemorated with a feast of celebration.  Today, man’s covenant with God and marriage are the too primary examples of covenant agreements. 

Counseling Methods and Techniques 

1.      We can teach boundaries using the illustration of a neighbor’s dog chewing up our client’s newspaper.  After describing a situation in which the neighbor’s dog chewed up their newspaper, I ask the client what boundaries were violated.  The answer is that the dog is in his yard and it was eating the newspaper that he had paid for.  Secondly, I ask what he would do about it?  His answer shows whether he is passive, passive aggressive, assertive, or aggressive.  I use the client’s answer to discuss what would be the likely outcome of his actions.  I then explain the steps for establishing boundary agreements.  The first step would be to let the neighbor know that the client does not want the neighbor’s dog in his yard, eating his paper.  It might even be necessary to establish where the physical boundary line is between their yards.  I continue the illustration, asking what they would do if the next day the dog chews on the his paper again?  The answer is that he would have to let the neighbor know what consequences would occur if the problem continued.  Possibly, the neighbor should either pay for the client’s newspaper or exchange his good newspaper for the chewed up one.  If he is not willing to agree to this, the client might warn his neighbor that if he refuses to restrain his dog, he will have to call animal control when he sees the dog loose and the neighbor will then have to pay a fine to get their dog back after it has is taken to the pound.  I then explain that boundaries attempt to align the one who makes the decision with the one who gets the consequences.  In this case, he is offended because the neighbor has made the decision to not adequately confine his dog and the client is getting the consequences.  If our neighbor robs a bank (decides to do something), we should not have to go to jail (get his consequences) for his crime.  

2.      Mutual boundaries are the heart of a relationship recovery process.  Marital conflict and codependency are good examples of the application of boundaries as being very helpful.  The heart of any relationship recovery process is the establishment of mutually acceptable boundaries.  When a marriage is based on win-win boundary agreements, most of the conflicts are easily resolved.  When a family, including the older children, set family rules, the children can only blame themselves if they get the agreed-upon consequences.  In codependent relationships, it is the boundary agreements that help the people involved  find the balance between being too dependent or too independent. 

3.      Tripwires are needed in cases of extreme abuse.  The concept of tripwires suggests that we can have multiple sets of boundaries against angry behavior so that the behavior can be stopped at the earliest opportunity.  As an example, in a domestically violent family, if one person raises their voice, they may be required to leave the room for thirty minutes;  if they cuss or verbally attack someone, they have to leave for a day; and if they throw, break, or threaten someone, they must leave for a week.  The idea is to stop even the lower level behaviors before they escalate into violence.

CHAPTER 11:  PRINCIPLES OF EXPERIENCE 

Possibly the most powerful influences in our lives are our past and present experiences.  How we perceive these experiences affects every aspect of our heart, our future choices, and our actions.  Experiences are determined primarily by our actions, and our actions are determined by the dictates of our hearts.  Our experiences affect what we are willing to do in the future, what we believe is true, how we perceive our environment, how desperate we are to fulfill our needs, whether we are dominated by our fears, how we act, and how we feel.  It is important that we do not allow our past experiences to become the table of contents for our future actions. 

The Principles of the Heart 

In order to understand our heart, we must first understand how the Bible uses this term.  In general, it refers to the center of our being.  Although some authors have interpreted it to mean only our spirit, I believe when the Bible refers to the heart it can include our mind, will, emotions, or spirit.  The heart might also include our attitudes, needs, past experiences, desires, and how we perceive things.  It is our heart that initiates our actions and interprets our experiences. 

 Counseling Methods and Techniques                    

1.      The train of psychological wholeness provides a basic understanding of the heart..  As I have already explained, each function of our heart interacts with the other functions.  Therefore, if we wish to change one component, we can influence it by changing the others that interact with that component of the train. 

2.      The heart can be analyzed using layer caking.  How we interpret our experiences and our resulting emotions is not based on how we originally perceive an event, but on a string of perceptions—what we think about it, what we have concluded about the event, what we have concluded previously in a similar situation, etc.  Asking the client how he perceives the event,  what this perception means to him and how it affects him, eventually leads to significant conclusions concerning how he views himself and his basic needs.  (See my book Faith Therapy for a more detailed explanation.) 

3.      We can unite our heart by finding agreement between our will, mind, emotions, andspirit.  A united heart is not easily shaken.

The Principles of the Defenses of the Heart 

            In psychology, the defenses of the heart are called “ego defenses.”  They are simply our conscious and unconscious attempts to defend our heart from being hurt in some way.  Morris (1973, page 499) lists them as follows:  1.  Denial—not acknowledging threat, pain or hurt.  2.  Displacement—shifting the blame, that cannot be expressed, to another person  3.  Identification—taking on another’s characteristics to avoid discomfort.  4.  Intellectualism—abstracting stressful situations in order to distance emotionally.  5.  Projection—transferring one’s own repressed motive, feelings, and wishes to others. 6.  Reaction formation—expressing exaggerated ideas or emotions that are the opposite of one’s repressed beliefs, feelings, or actions. 7.  Regression—reverting to childlike behavior as a defense.  8.  Repression—excluding hurtful thoughts from consciousness.  9.  Sublimation—re-directing repressed motives and feelings to more acceptable pursuits.  Although the Bible does not specifically address each one of these, it does warn us that our heart can be deceptive and devious as it tries to defend itself. 

Counseling Methods and Techniques

1.      We can overcome the defenses of the heart through faith.  When hurt, our heart will defend itself from further hurt.  Sometimes these defenses become more of a problem than the original trauma.  Psychological defenses are developed in response to fear.  Our fears can be overcome through faith in God.  

2.      We can analyze the heart by observing its defenses.  If a person is wearing a full suit of bullet-proof body armor or driving around in a tank, we can be pretty sure he is afraid of someone shooting at him.  In the same way, if someone is using one of the ego defenses listed on the previous page, we can be reasonably sure that he is afraid of something. 

3.      We can soften our hard heart by eroding it with the Word of God.  In the parable of the sower, it was not the quality of the seed, but the quality of the ground (the heart) that determined how much the plants produced. (Luke 8:5-15)  When we study, memorize, and meditate on the Word of God, we renew our minds and soften our hearts, so that they can become productive in the things of God. 

The Principles of Experience 

            Our past and present experiences can and do greatly affect our future decisions and how we view ourselves.  Dealing with these past experiences is many times critical in the process of recovery.  We react strongly in the present, based on the experiences of the past even when in our minds we know that the situations are not the same.  How we have perceived our past experiences affects the feelings associated with them.  It is these feelings, when they are brought into the present, that make the current situation excessively emotionally-charged and our reactions inappropriate for the situation.  This is especially the case when a person has been badly abused or suffered severe trauma.            

Counseling Methods and Techniques 

1.      We can heal our past with Theophostic Ministry.  Theophostic Ministry is based on the fact that it is not the event, but is our perception of the experience that determines our feelings associated with the event.  Not only are children good recorders and poor interpreters of experiences, but most of the time they have failed to see or recognize God in their experiences.  Theophositc Ministry, originated by Dr. Ed Smith in his book Beyond Tolerable Recovery (1996), attempts to change the perceptions and, consequently, the emotions connected to an experience by asking the Holy Spirit to reveal the truth concerning it.  Because the most effective way to change an experience is with another experience, we must go back into the memory of the experience, identify the lies we believed about it, and let the Holy Spirit reveal the truth as He sees fit.  Although some have concerns with the imagery involved, in our experience, the presence of the Holy Spirit is truly involved and traumatic memories can be healed and filled with the peace that only God can bring.  

2.      We can change our perceptions of our past and present events by reframing them.  Reframing means looking at them and perceiving their meaning differently.  As examples, a child acting out can be seen as a child trying to keep his parents from fighting; and marriage conflicts can be seen as attachment alarms and a desperate cry for love.  Since our emotions, including our anger, are primarily controlled by how we perceive our experiences, this is a powerful tool for change.  One of the most powerful reframes of all is seeing our experiences from God’s standpoint of eternity. 

3.      We can process our past using Monday morning quarterbacking (MMQ).  In order to deal with past hurts and prepare the way for forgiveness and possible reconciliation, I use the analogy of what has been called Monday morning quarterbacking.  When a team loses the Sunday night football game, they will meet on Monday to try to determine what needs to be done to ensure that they will win the next game.  They replay the videotapes of the game in an attempt to learn from their mistakes, to develop new plays for the next game, and to rebuild  team unity.  Therefore, no one is allowed to make accusations or try to place blame for the mistakes that have been made.  In this way, no one will be defensive and arguments can be avoided.  Everyone will be open and honest about what really happened, how they saw things at the time, and what mistakes they made.  I apply these same rules in the counseling setting.  In doing so, we try to discover what the real issues are that created the past negative experiences and develop plans to insure that they do not re-occur.  I have found that it is much easier for clients to forgive when they have a reasonable reassurance that what happened in the past will not happen again in the future.  

Principles of Relationships  

            Most of our important experiences in life involve relationships.  God wants to have a personal relationship with us.  People need healthy relationships in order to enjoy life.  Relationships offer one of the greatest areas of potential for healthy change.  They are also the source of most of our emotional pain.  Healthy people can edify and strengthen others.  Hurting people tend to take out their emotional pain on others.  Marriages and friendships can be heaven on earth or hell on earth.  Relationship problems are the subject of the large majority of counseling sessions.  Whole areas of counseling such as marriage and family counseling, abuse recovery, domestic violence, and codependency focus on relationship problems.            

Counseling Methods and Techniques           

 1.     We can do a quick relationship analysis with four questions.  The first question I ask is, “Does the spouse believe that the other person “has their best interest in mind?”  This question determines whether they perceive their spouse’s actions as being for them or against them.  If they believe that the other is for them they will act as friends and if they believe they are against them, they will act like enemies.  Secondly, I ask if the wife feels that she is loved.  This question has to do more with emotional support and affection, than actions.  A woman will do almost anything for a man if she feels loved.  I ask the husband if he feels respected and appreciated.  A man will do almost anything for a woman if he feels respected and appreciated.  (This difference in questions for the husband and wife reflects Ephesians Chapter 5.)  Finally, I ask them to rate their marriage and their “love life” or sexual relationship on a scale form one (the worst marriage or sexual relationship they know) to 10 (the best marriage or sexual relationship they know).  I particularly ask the question about the physical relationship, because this area many times mirrors other problems in the relationship or deep unresolved issues.  At other times, their physical relationship may be the strongest part of the marriage. 

2.     We can evaluate intimacy using the five types of love.  Conducting an intimacy analysis is very useful in helping a person investigate his or her love relationship.  Because the word love in the English language can mean anything from having a taste for ice cream to a sexual relationship, we must clarify exactly how love is defined.  Many times one spouse will say that they love their spouse but they are not “in love” with them.  This usually means that they have lost the romantic feeling of love for the spouse.  I use five Biblical, Greek, or Hebrew words and their English counterparts to evaluate the levels of intimacy experienced by the couple.  I ask the clients to rate on a scale of one to ten how strong each type of love is in their relationship.   a.  Agape (Biblical Greek) which is the unconditional commitment in the relationship.  This may or may not include strong feelings of caring.  This is “having the other’s best interest in mind.”  b.  Phileo (Biblical Greek) which is the friendship or companionship in the relationship.  This usually reflects whether they are friends and like to spend time and do things together.  c.  Eros (Greek) which is the romantic love in the relationship.  These are the connection or feelings of affection, excitement, and pleasure expressed in the relationship.  d. Theleo (Greek) which is spiritual love including beliefs, goals, and worldview.  This question tells me how united the couple is in their vision and direction for life.  e.  Yada` (Hebrew) which means “to know” or have physical love with someone.  Because men and women are so different in this area, many conflicts from other areas of their relationship are manifested in the couples “love life.” 

3.      Use intersecting circles to diagram healthy and unhealthy relationships.  In order to explain what dysfunctional and ideal relationships or marriages looks like, I use circles to represent each of the persons involved.  In marriage, we are not to become one identity or two circles on top of each other (codependent dependence) or two separate circles where there is not relationship (codependent independence).  Not even the two intersecting circles that describes a healthy worldly relationship are ultimate, but three intersecting circles identical to the Trinity which consist of ourselves, our spouse, and God.  I point out that these circles represent seven different relationships that must remain sound to have a healthy marriage.  Note that this relationship consists of three whole persons.  God’s place in the marriage is to direct it and to meet the needs that our mate cannot meet or fails to meet.   

4.      The marriage blood covenant emphasizes the seriousness of marriage.  Because marriage is taken so lightly in our society, I show clients that marriages are blood covenants, the most binding and irrevocable type of agreement on earth.  I usually start by telling them the story of Stanley’s search for Dr. Livingstone told in The Blood Covenant by Kenyon (1969).  The blood covenant at that time required the shedding of blood, the drinking of wine, curses or oaths before God, gifts, and a witness.  I show them that God made a covenant with Noah, Abraham, Israel, and us.  In fact, the division of the Bible, between the Old and New Testament, is really the old and new blood covenant.  Jesus clearly stated that the last supper was a covenant supper and that the blood He was to shed was the blood of the new covenant of salvation that He made with us.  I then show them that their marriage vows were the oath, the rings they exchanged were the gifts, the grape juice they drank was the wine of the covenant and when the women’s hymen was broken as they consummated the marriage, the blood was shed.  The final point I make is that it was the witness’ job to insure that the vows of the covenant were kept and to punish any violation of the covenant.  I then have them turn to the book of Malachi and read Malachi 2:14.  “Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant.”  It is, therefore, clearly God’s job to punish any violation of our marriage vows.  In ancient days, the penalty for violation of a blood covenant was death. 

5.      We can use analogies to emphasis the need for teamwork.  I try to get those in any relationship to realize that it is in all of their interests to work together as a team instead of competing or attacking each other.  I use three analogies.   a.  The football team analogy.  If they seem to be competing and not working together in their marriage, I suggest that it is like they are on a football team; and they have just lost the last game because they have been tackling each other and have been helping the other team.  I ask what they would do if they were on such a team?  The answer, of course, is that they need to quit competing and make some plans of how they can work together to win the game.  I suggest that mutual boundary agreements are like plays and their marriage agreement is like their team contract.  They are committed until the end of the season (life) so that they might as well start working together to win the Super Bowl.   b.  The sinking ship analogy.  If the couple is in a major power struggle or a “love fight,” I suggest that it is like they are on a sinking ship.  They are complaining that the other is not bailing water fast enough while they are drilling holes in the bottom of the boat.  If they do not start working together as a crew, they are both going to drown; and their entire family is going down with them!  c.  The rats in the cage analogy.  If they are constantly verbally attacking each other, I suggest they are just like two rats in a cage.  The cage is outfitted with an electric shock pad on the bottom that can be turned off if one of the rats pushes a button.  The experimenter has turned off the button so that no matter how hard they try they cannot stop the shocks.  I ask them what they think the rats did in actual experiments?  The answer is that the rats attacked each other!  This analogy is like marriage.  In a marriage, they expect that their mate will at least attempt to shield them from the problems or shocks of life.  They are okay as long as they are able to cope effectively with the stress in their lives, but when they are no longer  able to stop the shocks, the clients, just like the rats, are attacking each other.  Problems, circumstances, and possibly Satan have conspired to try to split up their marriage and make them fight each other.  So far Satan seems to be winning.  At least one rat could climb on the back of the other and take turns so only one would be shocked at a time, or they could try to work together to escape the cage at the next feeding.  Attacking each other makes no sense and gains nothing.  

6.      We can use tennis as an example of healthy relationships.  When discussing how to build a healthy relationship, especially with somebody who is codependent, I will say that “you must learn to play tennis.”  The analogy is this.  In a healthy relationship, one person initiates and waits for the other to respond.  If the other chooses not to respond, they go on their way and may try again another day.  Because a codependent is so desperate for a relationship, they will keep initiating until they drive the other person away.  It is almost as if they are a tennis serving machine and the other person thinks they are “shooting” tennis balls at them.  Trying to demand attention or manipulate someone into a relationship never works for long. 

7.      A chariot race analogy can teach healthy dating relationships.  The goal of this chariot race is to keep all of the horses abreast of each other and to have both chariots finish the race together.  Each chariot has five horses representing the five types of love discussed above.  If some of the horses, pulling one of the  chariots, get way ahead of the others, the chariot will be upset.  For example, if physical love gets way ahead of commitment as is sometimes the case, the woman may feel used; or if spiritual love gets way ahead of romantic love, the relationship will feel dry.  Of course, it is also a problem if one member of the dating couple gets way ahead of the other and is ready to marry, while the other is still not ready to commit to the relationship.  The point is that any horses that are getting ahead need to be reigned in until the remaining horses can get caught up, or an unbalanced, unstable relationship will develop.  Solid relationships take time and require a foundation in all five areas of intimacy. 

8.  God expects us to be under submission to His spiritual authority.  This means we ultimately work for Him, but we do so by cooperating with those He has set over us.  This is analogous to the situation in the United States Armed Forces where a senior master sergeant salutes and works for the brand new second  lieutenant, not because he believes the new lieutenant knows more; but because he respects the authority of those above him; and ultimately he works for his country.  He also feels protected since he is not expected to follow his superiors orders if they violate the directions of those having authority above them.  As an example, a wife can more easily follow her husband, even if she disagrees with him, knowing that she is following and serving Christ.  This submission is much easier when she understands that she is not expected to follow any directions that violate either God’s specific direction or the Bible.  This is called spiritual authority.  (For more information read Spiritual Authority (1972) by Watchman Nee.) 

9.  All marriage problems can be eventually resolved using consistent, effective boundaries.  Because of the strict Biblical limits on divorce and remarriage, sometimes one of the members of a difficult marriage may feel trapped; but there is an effective way out.  Especially in marriages where one spouse is saved and has not committed adultery, yet still is abusive or addicted, the other spouse might feel they have no choice but to violate Biblical principles and divorce.  In my experience, this is not ever necessary.  Although the Bible does not recommend separation, it is sometimes necessary when abuse or addictions are involved.  If the non-offending spouses will choose to deal with their own problems, get healthy themselves, and learn to set effective boundaries, eventually their spouses will either have to deal with their own problems, will crash and have to get help, or will divorce them to marry somebody else.  According to Biblical principles, if the offending spouse remarries, they have committed adultery, thus providing the grounds for a Biblical divorce.  In this case, the spouse is free.  In my own experience, this type of resolution has occurred in every case, but sometimes, it has taken as long as two years to complete.   The length of time involved is usually dependent on how long it takes for the non-offending spouse to recover themselves and start exercising loving, healthy boundaries.  

10.  A decrease in sexual intimacy may result from the “cycle of sexuality.”  A significant decrease or the cessation of sexual intimacy is not uncommon in many marriages.  Although many factors may be involved, this problem is many times due to what I call the “cycle of sex.”  Women and men function sexually as mirror images.  Women need affection and emotional support in order to feel sexual, while men need sex to feel affectionate and emotionally supporting.  Consequently, if a man becomes busy and does not give his wife affection or emotional support, over a period of time she will not be as interested in sex and he the frequency of love making will decrease.  Because he has not been sexual, he will not feel as affectionate and emotionally supportive, etc. and the sexual relationship will wind down.  Of course, the opposite is true.  If he will again become affectionate, she will feel more sexually responsive; he will get more sex and will, therefore, feel more affectionate toward his wife, etc.  

11.  Men build relationships primarily by working together.  Consequently, while women tend to use communication, songs, and worship to develop their relationship with God, men can develop intimacy with God by working for and with Him.  The book Experiencing God (1990) provides principles for building a strong relationship with God through action.  Whatever works in human relationships also works in building relationships with God and what works in building a relationship with God also works with men. 

12.  Feelings depend on our perceptions of how others meet our needs.  Dr. Harley’s Love Bank Theory suggests that the more we perceive another person as meeting our need, the more we fall in love with them; and the more we perceive them as against us, the more we hate them.  (See His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters.)  As long as we are insecure, we will be limited to loving those who love us and hating those who we perceive are against us.  This is the natural state of affairs for those who see themselves as needy.  It will not change until we have a revelation of God’s love and care for us, without our works. 

13.  Emotional problems in relationships are usually the result of attachment wounds.  Attachment wounds occur when we feel our attachment needs threatened.  Often, when we try to address them, the attachment figure is defensive, insensitive, or rejecting.  We, as counselors, need to help those involved address these wounds in a more sensitive way.  Can we help each of them to see these wounds as attachment alarms and coping mechanisms, and help them to understand the deep hurt that they have caused?  The counseling of attachment alarms goes well beyond forgiveness and usually requires the training of each spouse to do a better, more sensitive job in handling emotional issues. (For steps to heal attachment wounds see Chapter 9 of Safe Haven Marriage (Hart, 2003)) 

The Principles of Forgiveness, Reconciliation, and Restitution

            Almost everyone has heard about forgiveness, but it is my experience that few people really understand or know how to effectively do it.  When I suggested that a client, who had been repeatedly sexually abused over her lifetime, forgive her abusers, she turned to me and asked “How?”  In another situation, a Christian woman that I knew heard a sermon on forgiveness and, trying to be obedient, forgave and re-married her ex-husband.  A few days later he asked her to leave because he liked his current girlfriend better!  She did not understand that although we are required to forgive, according to Matthew Chapter 18 we are not required to be reconciled with someone who has not truly repented.  In another situation, I was witnessing to an alcoholic who said that he had become addicted after someone killed his wife and children.  The killer had  never been caught.  I asked if he had forgiven the killer.  He said no.  I then explained to him  that until he forgave and gave up his right to avenge himself, God would not get involved in bringing justice to the situation. 

Counseling Methods and Techniques 

1.   We must forgive, but reconciliation is required only if the offender truly repents.  Forgiveness is giving up our right for vengeance and is not the same as reconciliation.  If the other refuses to repent or does not show the fruit of repentance, we are required to forgive, but not to reconcile.