Transformation Condensed Book
CHAPTER
1: THE NEED FOR IN-DEPTH BIBLICAL
ANSWERS
The evidence is all around us
that we are in desperate need of simple, yet in-depth, biblical answers for
the many complex and difficult problems of life. Although most
churches provide at least some level of pastoral counseling, the large
majority refer the most complicated problems to counselors outside the
church. Most of these counselors rely heavily on experientially
derived secular methods and counseling theories when treating complex
problems. By referring outside of the church and relying primarily on
secular methods, we have implicitly agreed with the world that the church
does not have the answers to these difficulties.
CHAPTER 2
So far, I have discussed the problems that occur from referring complex and
difficult problems outside of the church. I believe that this
situation continues to exist due to a lack of an understanding of the clear,
simple, in-depth biblical answers for addressing these more-difficult
problems of life. I have suggested that if a solid biblical counseling
theory and answers to these problems were available, many of these hurting
people could be effectively helped within the church. I believe the
answers that we are looking for lie in a types and shadows analysis of the
lives of many of the more prominent characters in the Bible. I realize
that the reader might think that this approach is too simplistic to yield
real answers, but I request that you withhold judgment until I am able to
demonstrate the depth of what the Bible has to offer us using this method.
In order to access this information, a basic understanding of the
interpretation of the Bible using types and shadows is required.
On the surface, the Bible gives us a history of the Jewish nation and God’s
wonderful plan of salvation through Christ. On a deeper level, these
examples provide us principles for living and an understanding of the
process of salvation or achieving wholeness. Finally, at the deepest
level it provides symbolic and analogical clues to understanding spiritual
and psychological truth. The Bible itself says that this is true.
1 Cor 10:1 Moreover, brethren, I would not that ye should be
ignorant, how that all our fathers were under the cloud, and all passed
through the sea;
CHAPTER 3
Clearly, the type and shadow narratives of the Bible are intended to
teach spiritual truth and are not just fables, myths, or allegories but are
actual truths that are both physical and spiritual. Since this is the
case, I believe they also possess most of the other characteristics and
benefits of the parables of Jesus.
It is interesting to note that only as recently
as the 1980’s, the power and benefits of narrative pictures have found their
way into Marriage and Family Therapy in the form of narrative therapy.
Unfortunately, this power has been applied to attempt to pull down absolute
narratives such as Christianity and reconstruct personal narratives in their
place. Although deconstructing negative narratives is justified in
some cases—such as narratives describing a client as the “black sheep” of
the family or as a descendant of slaves who are ostracized by society—this
method has also been used as a tool of postmodernist counselors to foster
relativism. (Cameron, 2001, p. 17) In response to this growing
trend, Robert Piehl states,
…The major difference between narrative therapy’s postmodern and a
Christian worldview is that Christians derive their new identity by
connecting to a larger story—one that they did not make up for themselves.
Indwelling this metanarrative brings possibilities for grace, forgiveness,
and deeper connection. Christian counselors should keep this
fundamental distinction in mind as they, from a position of faith, employ
narrative therapy techniques. (p.28)
Clearly, the basic tenants of narrative therapy have a strong resemblance to
the methods used by Jesus and those suggested throughout the Bible.
The power of narrative therapy is that it provides a pictorial view that
changes how the client perceives life and provides a framework through which
everything else is perceived. Whether this view of life is based on
the truth or on a lie will significantly affect how the client thinks and
acts. Thinking and acting according to the truth is the very basis of
renewing of the mind (Rom 12:2). Even secular narrative therapy has
proven to be effective in causing a paradigm shift in the way the client
views his world. Therefore, I believe using biblical narrative
therapy— which is based on the absolute truth of the Bible—embodies an even
greater potential for change and growth in our clients.
CHAPTER 4
In order to
develop a model for biblical narrative therapy, we must learn more about the
overall process of salvation (or wholeness), and how it is actually carried
out by the Chief Counselor, the Holy Spirit. Although
other models for counseling might suffice for dealing with problems of a
less complex nature, we need a comprehensive model that focuses on the
entire person when attempting to address the complex difficult problems
addressed in this book. The Bible gives us exactly what
we need. Possibly the best known, most extensive, and
clearest type and shadow in the Bible is that of the story of the children
of Israel's exodus from Egypt and their journey through the wilderness to
the Promised Land.
The story of the exodus of the children of Israel is
found in the Bible in the books of Exodus through Joshua. When
understood in-depth, it provides us with an almost unfathomable wealth of
information concerning the process of salvation by faith, the types of
psychological struggles that Christians can expect to encounter, and a
method for overcoming these severe problems.
Deliverance from Egypt
The first step in the journey toward complete wholeness is the acceptance of
Jesus Christ as savior. The process of this first step is seen in the
story of the children of Israel's struggle to leave Egypt (which stands for
the world with its riches and opportunities). I believe Moses
represents the Holy Spirit, whose job it is to lead us out of the world.
I believe that Aaron, whose name means enlightened, represents the
enlightened Christian counselor who is called to speak for Moses to assist
in the deliverance of God's people. God defines the relationship
between Moses and Aaron in Exodus 4:16: "And he (Aaron) shall be thy
spokesperson unto the people: and he shall be, even he shall be to thee
(Moses) instead of a mouth, and thou shalt be to him instead of God."
The first job of the Christian counselor
(Aaron) is to build hope and faith in the client. The
Bible uses the Greek word paramutheo, which means "to speak close" or
“comfort,” to describe this style of counseling. Comforting begins by
telling the client of God's plan of deliverance.
Ex 4:29 And Moses and Aaron went and gathered together all the elders
of the children of Israel:
The second job of the Christian counselor is to confront the world and Satan who hold the client captive. The word in Colossians 1:28 translated as “warn” is noutheteo which means "to warn or confront." Jay Adams (1973) has based his entire style of counseling on this principle. Here we have a definite application of that style.
Confrontation is accomplished by challenging the
ways of the world used by the client, and demonstrating that these ways do
not work. Many times this is quite easy in a counseling setting,
because the client has come to counseling after realizing that what he is
doing does not work. This openness to new ways of dealing with life is
one of the reasons that counseling is such an effective tool for evangelism.
However, we must not expect Satan to give up easily. In fact, the
client's problems may initially increase when he decides to quit relying on
his worldly ways of coping with life. This is exactly what
happened to the children of Israel in Exodus Chapter 5. Pharaoh
increased the amount of work required of the Israelites by refusing to give
them straw. We should also not be surprised if the client, family, and
friends blame us for these increased problems just as the children of Israel
did when they blamed Moses and Aaron.
The judgments and miracles of God in Egypt
represent this type of confrontation with the world's system. As I
have noted below, each was a specific challenge to one or more of the gods
of Egypt. (See Missler, 2000)
1. Aaron cast down his rod and it became a snake. The
Egyptians magicians also cast down their rods and they became snakes, but
Aaron's snake swallowed up their snakes. The cobra was the symbol of
Egyptian sovereignty. 2. When Aaron struck the Nile
River with his rod it turned to blood killing all of the fish in the river.
The Egyptians worshipped the Nile as the source of life. Osiris, the
chief god of the Nile River, was one of the most respected gods of Egypt.
Those who worship the God of this world will find out that the world’s life
only results in the death of the very things they need most in their lives
(the fish). 3. The land was covered with frogs. One
of the chief goddesses of the land was Hekt, the wife of the “creator of the
world.” She was represented by a frog. Egypt’s worship of frogs
prevented them from destroying the frogs that polluted the land. I
believe the frogs stand for the dishonorable habits and the addictions of
life. 4. The dust became lice on man and beast.
What the King James Bible translates as “lice” were most probably sand
flies. (Missler, 2000) Since these sand flies came from the soil, they
were a great embarrassment to Geb, the Egyptian god of the earth, to whom
the Egyptians gave offerings for the bounty of the soil. Man was
created from the dust. Man has no answers to explain his origin and
the end of life, but the question bothers man and beast like sand flies or
lice bother us. 5. The swarms afflicted the Egyptians.
These were probably the scarab beetle. Amon-Ra, the king of the
Egyptian gods, had the head of a beetle. These stand for the evil and
selfish deeds of others that afflict every person and society in the world.
6. The flocks were destroyed in Egypt. Apis was the bull
god and Hathor was the cow-headed goddess of the deserts. These gods
were so prominent that the Israelites later made a golden calf in the
wilderness to represent the gods of Egypt. The wealth and resources of
the world are destroyed by catastrophes and problems like plagues,
earthquakes, famines, and floods; but Christians who draw nigh to God (live
in Goshen) are delivered. 7. The ashes of the furnace became
boils upon man and beast. This was a challenge to Thoth, the god
of intelligence and medical learning. It was the custom of the priests
to throw the ashes of their human sacrifices into the air, which would be
borne by the wind over the worshippers. These boils stand for the
shame which results from sin. It brings inner pain and results in the
ego defenses constructed by all sinners. 8. The hail killed
all men and beasts that did not take shelter. Egypt was sunny
without much rain. Where were Shu the wind god and Nut the sky god
that should have protected them? This hail represents God's judgment
on the earth for sin. 9. The locusts brought by the East wind
devoured all the good things of Egypt. The locusts were a
challenge to Nepri, the grain god, Ermutet, the goddess of crops, and
Anubis, the jackal-headed guardian of the fields. These stand for the
problems of life (the devourer of Malachi Chapter three) that are inevitable
and which devour the client's blessings. God alone can heal and
protect the client from life’s problems, as He did for the Israelites that
lived in the land of Goshen.
Building Faith in the Wilderness
The third job of the Christian counselor is to
help the client build faith, as they pass through the wilderness.
The newly saved person who still knows little about spiritual warfare,
Christian principles, and faith is extremely vulnerable to spiritual attack.
It is in the wilderness that the client is led by his circumstances to rely
on God, build faith, and die to self. The Greek word parakaleo
means, “to come along side of, or to console.” It is also the word for
“comforter” which is used to refer to the Holy Spirit (the Chief Counselor).
In Exodus Chapter 13, it is made clear that God took the children of Israel
through the wilderness to prepare them for spiritual warfare.
Dying in the Wilderness
The fourth job of the Christian counselor is to help those who have chosen, due to a lack of faith, to live as carnal Christians (in the wilderness). Clients must learn, through the consequences of their own decisions, to put off the immediate gratification offered by sin (die to self). This includes learning to deal with issues such as church splits, conflicts with church authorities, divorces, and generational sin. These clients usually come to counseling only when life becomes unbearable and stay only long enough to get a little relief. Fortunately, even some of these clients can eventually find the faith to come out of the wilderness.
Entering the Promised Land
The fifth job of the Christian counselor is to
help clients defeat the psychological giants in their lives and appropriate
the promises of God by faith. I believe that the
names of the tribes of the land of Canaan represent the major complex
psychological problems that each of us may face to one degree or another in
our lives. Here, to the best of my current understanding, are the
giants of the land as they are listed in Exodus Chapter 23:
Ex 23:23 For mine Angel shall go before thee, and bring thee in unto
the Amorites (prominence or significance problems), and the Hittites (terror
and fear problems), and the Perizzites (open country with
unwalled towns or a lack of boundaries problems), and the Canaanites
(humiliation or self-image problems), the Hivites (life-giving or things we
do to try to meet our needs including addictions and intimacy problems), and
the Jebusites (treading down or threshing place, i.e. abusive behavior):
and I will cut them off (deliver you from all these problems).
The analogy of tribes or organized forces is consistent with the idea that these represent groups of difficult problems, rather than individual disorders. In addition, I agree that spiritual forces take advantage of these psychological problems as suggested by Klimionok (p. 20). The psychological and the spiritual are so interwoven that all psychological problems probably have a spiritual component (Bufford, 1988, p. 51).
God expects us to take all of the land and, in the end, totally replace our fleshly means with spiritual ones through faith. We are not to compromise with them even in the slightest way or let any remnant of them remain in our lives. If we do, they will cause guilt and shame which will eventually undermine our faith, which is the very basis of our salvation. As we prepare to continue our journey of faith into the Promised Land filled with these psychological giants, we must be careful to understand the strategy laid out for our clients and us. The fact that Moses and Aaron did not accompany the children of Israel into the Promised Land is significant. At this point in the counseling process, clients must take responsibility for their own recovery. This is also clear because upon entering the Promised Land the manna stopped. Consequently, in the remainder of this story we must assume our own responsibility for our choices as we follow our Joshua (Jesus) to victory.
Conquering Jericho
Jericho is the fortress of fear. Consequently, it represents our struggles to overcome the insecurity in our lives. We can verify that the city of Jericho represents fear by the fact that each time the city is mentioned, the people were living in fear. Rahab said that the inhabitants were in fear of the Israelites and that the gates were locked out of fear. (Joshua 2:9, 11, 6:1) The clients’ fears are the first formidable challenge. We are later told that all the tribes were represented at Jericho. All sorts of psychological problems make their homes in the client's life based on fear. Probably the best known are fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of shame, and fear of punishment. (McGee, 1990) Phobias, anxiety attacks, some panic attacks, obsessive-compulsiveness, codependency, domestic violence, and most other psychological disorders have their roots in fear. The basis of overcoming simple fear by faith is outlined in this event.
If we take a close look at these events, we find the basis for a method for
confronting fears that has been called systematic desensitization. It
is possibly the most effective method of behavior modification for dealing
with fear. First, the client is taught how to relax. Relaxation
helps to alleviate fear. Because most persons cannot be relaxed and
afraid at the same time, tension can also be used as an indicator of fear.
Usually, clients are progressively exposed to fearful scenes in their minds
in a hierarchical order (as they are able to remain relaxed and to overcome
each fearful scene.) In this way, the client is slowly conditioned to
be able to tolerate the feared stimulus. Finally, each of these
situations are experienced in the same order in real life until clients can
face even the most fearful situation that they can imagine. (Comer,
1995) When we examine the process of systematic desensitization,
we find that it is no more than slowly developing faith that the feared
situation can be overcome.
Overcoming Ai
Ai was one of the most insignificant Canaanite cities.
It means "heap of ruins." The word Canaanite means "low land" and
represents our evaluation of ourselves. Here Ai represents the ruins
of our lives due to sin, or our shame. It is one of the keys to the
problem of low self-image. Guilt or shame, when not properly dealt
with, turns to toxic shame. It changes from "I did a bad thing" to "I
am a bad person." When Achan chose to take the gold and garments from
Jericho, he did a bad thing. When he chose to hide them in his tent
(ego defenses), his sin became part of him. He was relying on himself
to meet his needs instead of God. The battle of Ai gives us the
strategy for overcoming toxic shame, which, as we will see later, is the
basis of addictions and codependency.
Subjugating Gibeon
The story of the subjugation of Gibeon seems confusing until we realize that
Gibeon was a city of the Hivites, which stands for our deepest selfish,
life-giving desires. It is clear that the complete destruction of
Gibeon was God's perfect will. Instead, the Israelites were tricked
into making an alliance with it. Unfortunately, very few Christians
have been able to totally eradicate all of their deepest selfish desires and
completely trust God to direct every aspect of their lives. These
desires are so crafty that they look to most of us as something that God
desires for us. We see this played out in the story of the subjugation
of Gibeon beginning in Joshua Chapter 9.
Defeating the Amorites
One of our basic psychological needs is our need for significance. This is not to be confused with our need for self-worth. Self-worth has to do with intrinsic value while significance has to do with our success in using that potential. In the world, prominence is the general measure of how significant others see us. The world is motivated by this desire for prominence. Almost anything will be done to achieve it. The "rat race" of life itself is based on the unlimited lust for more, fueled by a search for prominence in life. Our fleshly drive for prominence wants to take over our desires, which in the past have been one of its strongest allies. At stake in this battle with the Amorite kings (prominence) were the towns of Jerusalem (peace), Hebron (relationships), Jarmuth (worth), Lachish (invincibility), and Eglon (vigor). We must defeat the temptation to pursue our own prominence if we are to have peace, have healthy relationships, feel worthwhile, obtain the invincibility that only comes from God, and vigorously pursue the Kingdom of God. The real question is, are we going to trust God to meet our deepest desires or are we going to attempt to meet them through achieving prominence in this world through the flesh?
Taking the Remaining Land
Once our fear, shame, selfish desires, and drive for prominence are
defeated; our most significant enemies remain in our mind or intellect.
We must recognize that our mind is the battlefield for overcoming most
psychological enemies. King Jabin (intellect) of Hazor (enclosure or
castle) gathered all the enemies of the Israelites to the waters of Merom,
which means “elevation.” Intellectualism protected by
closed-mindedness unites the remaining psychological enemies of self-pity
(Jobab), strife (Madon), lack of motivation (Shimron), control (Achshaph),
low self-worth (Canaanites), prominence (Amorites), fear (Hittites),
boundary problems (Perizzites), abuse (Jebusites), and lust (Hivites).
As we examine what we have just learned, we can see a basic structure or plan for the conduct of Christian counseling. This model suggests a life-long developmental approach to counseling directed by the Holy Spirit as the Chief Counselor. It is He that orchestrates the overall process. The client is brought to us to help him remove any hindrances to going forward into the next phase of the process of salvation by faith. The use of the narrative approach to teaching psychological truth simplifies the teaching process and continues to build faith in the client that God’s truth, the Bible, can be trusted. Reliance on God’s plan for salvation for the ultimate healing of the client is, and always will be, essential for long-term and lasting results. The basic steps of this plan are discussed below.
A
Biblical Plan for Christian Counseling
1. Determine the problem.
2. Demonstrate that what the client is doing
will not meet his needs and build hope that his problems can be overcome
through Christ.
3. Use the biblical principles and models to
help the client perceive and understand the problem from a biblical
perspective.
4. Determine where the client is in the
process of salvation and, if appropriate, lead him to accept Christ, be
baptized, yield the control of his life to God, and help him get established
in a church.
5. Help the client take responsibility for his
own actions, not blame others or react to what they do, and do everything as
unto God.
6. Help the client grow in his personal
relationship with Christ and build faith that, with God’s help, he can
overcome the problem.
7. Assist the client in receiving the
empowerment of the baptism of the Holy Spirit if he chooses to do so.
8. Help the client apply the biblical
principles or models to overcome the identified psychological problem.
9. Determine the root cause of the difficulty
and assist the client in developing and applying faith to overcome this root
problem.
10. Release the client again to the care of
Holy Spirit to continue orchestrating this growth process of salvation by
faith in his life.
CHAPTER 5
Canaan means low or lowland. As I have stated before, I believe that this stands for problems associated with low self-worth. This particular area of counseling has been hotly debated in Christian counseling for some time, probably due to the excesses in trying to deal with what is called "self-esteem" in secular psychology. The second major battle in Canaan was over Ai, which we have already discussed and identified as shame. Shame is one of the strongest feelings associated with low self-worth.
Low self-worth is the root problem or at least a contributing factor in most
psychological disorders. According to the genealogy given in the
Bible, Canaan was the father of the founders of the other tribes living in
this geographical area. That is why this area was known as the land of
Canaan. Consequently, the Bible suggests that low self-worth is a root
cause of the remaining psychological problems that we will discuss.
Possibly, one of the most well-known psychological problems is that of the “inferiority complex” popularized by Alfred Adler. (Morris, 1996, p. 459) There are many reasons why clients might perceive themselves as inferior to those around them. The core issues involved are those of self-worth and significance. Many times, it is the result of being put down by others or the experience of not measuring up in some aspect to those around them. Children treated as inferior will eventually believe that they are inadequate and will become self-conscious. Others may perceive them as artificial or socially inhibited. Sometimes, those that feel inferior will try to compensate for these feelings by acting just the opposite of how they feel, develop a strong drive to accomplish things or become great, and may come across as overbearing or arrogant. In any of these cases, their actions will actually work against the very acceptance that they so desperately seek and they will find themselves increasingly rejected and insecure, fulfilling what they believe about themselves. Although feeling inferior is characteristic of low self-image and codependency; it can be, in itself, a common, yet significant complex psychological problem. The clearest biblical example of this problem is found in the story of Leah, the oldest daughter of Laban. From the very first references concerning Leah in Genesis Chapter 29, we are told that Leah had a problem.
Steps for Overcoming Feelings of Inferiority
1.
Realize that the root of the problem is a
perception by the client that she is in someway inferior to those around
her.
2.
Because the client perceives herself as
inferior, she becomes self-conscious and depressed, and excessively attempts
to obtain the approval of others or withdraws to protect herself from
rejection.
3.
Her excessive attempts to obtain approval
result in artificiality and an appearance of neediness that causes others to
avoid her. Withdrawal makes others feel they are not liked or that the
client is not friendly.
4.
The client interprets this avoidance as
rejection and further proof that she is indeed inferior or unacceptable in
some way.
5.
The client needs to find a place in life where
she can become competent and excel in order to take her focus off the
perceived areas of inferiority.
6.
The client must accept God’s evaluation of her
and praise God that she is not inferior in God’s eyes, is wonderfully made,
and that God will work everything for the client’s good.
7.
The client must avoid the emotional swings
caused by evaluating her worth based on her perceptions and the approval of
others.
8.
She must avoid self-consciousness and
self-evaluation, focus on the needs of others, and refuse to compete with or
envy others.
9.
The client should expect that her faith in God
that she is acceptable as a person will be challenged.
10.
She must put her relationship with God first, believing that, as
she reaches out to help others; God will eventually exalt her in the eyes of
other people.
CHAPTER 6
1.
Physical or emotional abandonment most often results
in low self-image, because we ask what was wrong with us, that the other
persons, especially our parents, did not want a relationship with us.
2.
If we have been abandoned by our fathers, we will
usually rebel against the authority figures in our lives because we feel
that we cannot trust anyone except ourselves.
3.
Once we have experienced abandonment, we may expect
that others might also abandon us since we feel unworthy of their love.
4.
Because the emotional pain of feeling worthless is so
great, we will many times abandon or show contempt for others that we are
afraid will abandon us. This results in additional experiences of
abandonment.
5.
Establishing a close, intimate relationship with God
is the answer for overcoming abandonment, because He alone can be trusted
completely to look out for us and never leave or forsake us. We must
make a covenant with Him.
6.
If possible, we must work through our issues of low
self-image and our feelings of abandonment with those who have abandoned us
in order to be completely free from this fear.
7.
If we will do this, we
can be set free from this trap and go on to experience a long and full life.
When people grow up attempting to cope with alcoholic,
dysfunctional, abusive, or emotionally distant families, they usually
develop low self-image and fail to establish healthy personal boundaries.
This lack of boundaries results in a chaotic lifestyle. This is easy
to understand when you consider what would happen in a city if no one knew
who owned any of the property or the location of any of the property
boundaries. The name Perizzite means, “belonging to a village.”
In Bible times, villages were small, not very important, and lacked the
walls necessary for their defense. Therefore, this biblical type
implies that where the person lives is small or not very important (low
self-image) and that the place has no walls and adequate defenses (lack of
personal boundaries).
Establishing Boundaries
One of the universal results of dysfunctional or abusive relationships is
the violation of personal boundaries. Personal boundaries are critical
in the development and maintenance of healthy relationships. Personal
boundaries are similar to physical boundaries. They tell us who owns
the land, who is responsible for it, and where the property begins and ends.
Personal boundaries tell us what is mine and what is not mine, what I am
responsible for, and what I am not responsible for, what choices are mine,
and what I am free to control. They help a person to keep the good in
and the bad out. Compliants or codependent dependents allow the bad
in. Avoidants or codependent avoidants keep the good out.
Controllers or codependent independents disrespect other's boundaries and
rarely maintain healthy boundaries themselves. (Cloud, 1992)
Laws are clear examples of boundaries. There are three specific steps in setting boundaries: 1. Agree on exactly what or where the boundary line will be. As an example, the law states that everyone must drive at or below the posted speed limit. 2. Agree on the consequences for violating the boundary. Again, in this example, the consequence for violating the law or boundary would be to pay a specific fine if they are caught. 3. Make it clear that each person may drive above the speed limit if they are willing to pay the fine if they are caught. Of course, the idea of having a boundary is that it not be violated. In order for this to occur, the consequence must be significant enough to deter the violation of the boundary. The more important the boundary violation, the greater the required consequence. The true objective in setting boundaries is to ensure that the person who violates the boundary receives the consequences of his choice so that he can learn from it.
When boundaries do not exist or when they are confused, a person's life becomes unmanageable. In Bible times, this problem was like a city where the walls had been destroyed and the gates burned. Such a town was utterly defenseless. The city of Jerusalem in the book of Nehemiah, following its destruction by the Babylonians, was without walls or gates. It symbolically represents the state of the person scarred by sin and abuse. After the temple (of the spirit) was restored in 458 BC (a type of our initial salvation experience and the development or rebuilding of our spiritual life), it was now time for the walls of the city (the soul) to be rebuilt in 444 BC. Without the walls and gates of effective personal boundaries, the person’s spirit will continually be affected by outside influences, which will try to control the soul (the city of Jerusalem). Jerusalem means “city of Peace.” Symbolically, without effective boundaries we can never have peace in our soul.
Steps for Overcoming
a Chaotic Lifestyle
1.
The root problem of a chaotic lifestyle is lack of
effective personal boundaries due to codependency, abuse, a dysfunctional
past, or lack in childhood training.
2.
The client must realize that control, manipulation,
and returning evil for evil does not work, and choose to learn to use
boundaries effectively.
3. Past patterns of abuse, dysfunction, or codependency must be faced and dealt with so that the client will be strong enough to set boundaries and consistently carry out the consequences when boundaries are violated in his life.
4. The client must learn to assertively respond to boundary violations from others. He must avoid passive, passive-aggressive, and aggressive reactions to these violations.
5. The client must learn to communicate what he expects in his relationships with other people and help them to understand the natural consequences of violating each boundary.
6.
He must begin setting boundaries and consistently
carry out the consequences in his relationships without going overboard and
using boundaries to try to control others.
7.
He must set others free to make their own choices and
learn from their own consequences, trusting God to meet his own needs.
8.
The client must respect
other’s boundaries, communicate boundaries in a loving manner, and develop
an assertive lifestyle.
CHAPTER
8
When our needs for love, security, worth, or significance are not met, we
attempt to meet these needs through depending on ourselves, relying on
others, trying to control others, or using substances or things to make us
happy. Today, in the recovery movement, this is called codependency.
This term was originally coined to refer to a person married to an addict
who was somehow dependent on the addict continuing to drink or use drugs.
However, this excessively dependent or independent pattern is now recognized
to be much more widespread in our society and has been identified as the
underlying cause of numerous other problems.
Probably everyone in our society has a number of codependent
characteristics, but for at least one-fourth or more of our population,
these characteristics have become a predominant pattern of coping that
result in dysfunctional relationships. In the United States and much
of Europe, we teach codependent principles from the cradle up with nursery
stories like Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty, our romantic and Country
Western music, and our movies. After discussing codependency, one
pastor who primarily works with lower income families stated, "That's
everyone in my congregation." Codependency makes up a large part of
the psychological dysfunction that occupies a position between normal or
healthy, and the mental disorders described in the Diagnostic and
Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM IV).
It is difficult to produce a specific list of codependent characteristics because codependency includes a number of different styles for coping within the same basic problem. In fact, even the most well known books on this subject suggest widely differing traits and definitions. Part of this difficulty is because codependency includes both of the extremes of being too dependent or too independent on people or things. Therefore, a codependent may exhibit one extreme or the other extreme of a particular characteristic, or even oscillate frequently between both of these extremes. Notwithstanding these difficulties, in order to help the reader get a better understanding of this subject, I will present a list of the most common codependent characteristics based on my observations and experience in treating codependents.
1. They are driven by compulsions to
fill the void within them for love, security, worth,
and/or significance. Although they may initially deny
it, codependents are selfishly attempting to meet their own needs, but will
give to others in an attempt to get what they need back in return.
They are also prone to addictions. According to Love is a Choice,
the average codependent has at least two addictions. (Hemfelt,
Minirth, and Meier, 1989).
2. They are usually people pleasers.
This is because they are desperately trying to please others in order to get
approval so that they can feel better about themselves. They fit in
with and become like the people around them. Consequently, they have
no set identity. On the other extreme, they may even declare that they
do not care what others think about them as a defense against rejection.
3. They have unresolved issues with
their dysfunctional family of origin. Many times they come from
families that struggled with alcoholism, drug addictions, over-control,
workaholism, or abuse. They may have been emotionally abandoned.
Someone close to them in their family may have died or was severely
handicapped. Their parents may have had numerous partners or may have
married and divorced several times. They may have been adopted.
It is even possible that they grew up in a codependent family and learned
codependency as a way of functioning in life. Codependency is a
problem that is propagated from generation to generation. In many
cases, the codependent may actually recreate the original situation in new
relationships in a vicarious attempt to resolve the original problem.
This is why children from alcoholic or abusive families most often marry
someone with similar problems. Since codependents tend to marry at
approximately equivalent levels of codependency, they usually end up in
dysfunctional relationships themselves.
4. They are driven to accomplish and may become perfectionists as an attempt to compensate for their feelings of inadequacy. They usually have a hard time admitting they are wrong, react strongly to criticism, and blame others for their feelings of rejection. They may also be critical and judgmental of others in order to make themselves feel more equal. They usually believe that if they could just fix their mate everything would be all right.
5.
Relationships are based on conditional love and
usually result in ongoing conflict typified by a series of fights,
separations, and making up again. Demands for love
drive the other person away. Unfortunately, codependents have little
to give emotionally to their mate; since they are so empty themselves.
Usually one mate that cannot be alone marries another that is a "loner."
Consequently, one of the spouses feels smothered and the other deprived.
7. They are emotionally overly or
under-connected with others. They may believe they are responsible
for the happiness of others. They cannot be happy if others are not
happy. If one codependent falls into the emotional ditch, the other
will fall too. They tend to feel guilty for what others have done, for
how they have been treated, or if not everyone is pleased with them.
8. They are on an emotional roller
coaster. Because they are so insecure, their emotions rise and
fall according to the circumstances and what others say or do.
Although they may suppress or cover up their feelings, they will usually
admit that inside they are in constant emotional turmoil.
9. They want to be rescued or
enabled, or they tend to rescue or enable others. They will do for
others what they can do for themselves, or they will expect others to fix
them or do for them what they themselves are capable of doing.
10. They are controlling, manipulating,
or passive-aggressive. Although they may deny it, they will do
whatever it takes to get others to meet their needs. They will either
control or abuse others to get their needs met or; if they are in a
controlling relationship themselves, they will manipulate or act in
passive-aggressive ways.
In order to understand better the confusing array
of symptoms that typify codependency, I have identified three basic types
and six subtypes of codependency in order to more clearly address this
subject. Each of them has a distinct example and an in-depth model for
recovery in the Bible. Each subtype will be covered in more depth
later in this book.
1.
The codependent dependent, which
is the most obvious to the untrained observer, is better understood as the
result of a deep hunger for love, a product of abusive relationships, and a
lack of boundaries. Codependent dependents are usually women, but this
is not always the case. The basic underlying characteristic is that
she is overly insecure and dependent on others to meet her needs. She
is the damsel in distress.
2.
The codependent independent is
the knight in ego-protective armor, who deals with his feelings of
inadequacy through denial, performance, people pleasing, and rescuing.
His external characteristics will differ significantly depending on his
apparent worldly success or failure.
3.
The codependent avoidant is a
person controlled by fears. This type may avoid
In addition to determining whether a person is codependent, it is important
to determine the particular subtype of codependency since the different
styles of coping require specific methods for recovery. Consequently,
at Word of Life Institute, we have developed a Codependent Inventory to help
us determine each specific subtype. This inventory can be found in the
appendix of this book.
Codependent Dependence
Inevitably, those coming from alcoholic, dysfunctional, controlling,
abusive, or codependent families of origin learn to cope with life in a
codependent way. The codependent dependent is the most commonly
identified type of codependency. Codependent dependence approximates a
milder form of the Personality Dependence Disorder in DSM IV. It is
seen clearest in a Cinderella looking for a prince to rescue her or in the
over-responsible wife enabling the alcoholic husband to continue his
alcoholism. From a boundary standpoint, this is the person who allows
others to violate her personal boundaries, wants others to carry her load of
personal responsibility, or who attempts to carry another's load in order to
please them. Galatians Chapter 6 distinguishes between helping others
that cannot help themselves and enabling others by taking responsibility for
them that they should shoulder themselves. This distinction is clear
in Young's Literal Translation:
Ga 6:2 Bear one another's (unbearable) burdens, and so you will
fulfill the law of Christ.
Ga 6:5 For each one will bear [his] own load. (Life's
responsibilities) (YLT)
The Codependent Dependent Passive
As we have studied the problem of codependent
dependence in more depth in our Christian counseling practice and the
classes that we teach at Word of Life Institute, there appears to be two
subtypes within this type of codependency. The first I call the
Codependent Dependent Passive because she is attempting to meet her needs by
being a “good girl” and doing what everyone wants her to do. She
allows others to violate her boundaries so that her needs will be met.
She is the damsel looking for a rescuer who will kill the dragon of life
that is holding her captive and take them both off to the castle to “live
happily ever after.” Unfortunately, in many cases these rescuers turn
out to be codependent independents who are over-controlling, abusive, or, at
least, boundary violators.
The most extensive biblical example of this subtype is found in the story of Sarah, the wife of Abraham. Some might object that they have been taught that Sarah is an example of what a Christian woman should be. Like most of the people in the Bible, Sarah did not begin life as a heroine of faith. She progressed step-by-step through faith in her recovery from codependency until she became a definite model of Christian womanhood. Unfortunately, some churches today make the mistake of applauding some of Sarah’s dysfunctional traits as those typifying the ideal Christian woman. I we examine Sarah’s life I believe that the reader will be able to clearly identify her codependent dependent passive traits. Her story begins in Genesis Chapter 11.
This type of client is most easily detected by her excessive neediness and dependence on others. An in-depth study of the life of Sarah usually is sufficient to help the client begin to understand and accept her part in her dysfunctional relationships. Clearly the most important part in recovery is helping her develop a close, trusting faith that God loves her and will meet all of her needs even in the most dire circumstances. She should also resolve any outstanding family of origin issues and establish her worth in Christ. If possible, she should attend a Christian Codependent Support Group to learn more from others who are in the process of recovery and to receive the emotional support that she needs. I believe that Love is a Choice (1989), and its associated workbook (1991), by Hemfelt, Minirth, and Meier are the most appropriate additional resources for helping the codependent dependent passive.
Steps for Overcoming Codependent Dependent
Passivity
1.
The client must understand that the root of
the problem is over-dependence on people instead of God to meet personal
needs.
2.
The codependent is desperately seeking love
and approval through people pleasing, trying to be and do what others want,
and allowing others to violate her personal boundaries in order to get her
needs met.
3.
She is a “good girl” and will do for others
what they should be doing for themselves and blame herself if she is taken
advantage of, mistreated, or abused.
4.
She must realize that her true motivation is
selfishness and trying to cope with her own feelings of inadequacy by being
good, caring for other people, pleasing, and enabling them.
5.
The client must repent of her selfish efforts to meet
her needs through people and learn to meet her needs through a close
personal relationship with God.
6.
The codependent must overcome her low self-image and
feelings of inadequacy by accepting her position in Christ and God’s
evaluation of her.
7. She must understand that overly depending on others is the sin of idolatry and learn to use personal boundaries to develop healthy balanced, interdependent relationships with others.
CHAPTER 9
The Codependent Dependent Rescuer
If the type of dependent passive relationship described in the previous
Chapter has failed in her life or in the lives of her parents, a client will
many times adopt a performance coping strategy and become the rescuer of a
dysfunctional mate or addict. This type, I call the Codependent
Dependent Rescuer. She believes that if she can rescue another, he
will be grateful to her and will meet her needs in return.
Unfortunately, for the dependent rescuer, this almost never happens.
Deep within, she still would rather have him be the leader and rescue her.
Many codependent dependent rescuers are nurses or members of other helping
professions. Helping people just comes naturally to them. Of
course, most of the time they do not realize that they are doing too much to
help others, and are actually enabling them to continue in their
dysfunctional lifestyles.
It was not until I read The Way Out of the Wilderness by Henslin that I understood the story of Abigail in the book of 1st Samuel as a model of a codependent dependent rescuer. Until then, I had seen her as a model of how to deal with difficult circumstances. This is how most codependent rescuers initially view themselves—as the heroine or rescuer in a bad situation. Both Abigail and her husband, Nabal, were codependents. Abigail was a codependent dependent rescuer. Nabal was an alcoholic and a codependent independent worldly failure (which will be discussed later in more detail.) Most codependents have at least two addictions. (Hemfelt, Minirth and Meier, 1989). The story begins 1st Samuel 25:2.
Steps for Overcoming
Codependent Dependent Rescuing
1.
The root of the problem is over-dependence on
people instead of God to meet personal needs.
2.
The codependent is desperately seeking love
and approval because of a low self-image and will control, manipulate,
rescue others, or allow the violation of personal boundaries in order to get
her needs met.
3.
She will do for others what they should be
doing for themselves, become overwhelmed with all she is attempting to do,
and eventually become bitter when other people do not meet her needs in
return.
4.
She tries to overcome feelings of inadequacy
by people pleasing, rescuing, or enabling. She believes that if she
could just fix her mate then he would meet all her needs.
5.
The client must repent of her selfish efforts
to meet her needs through people and learn to meet her needs through a close
personal relationship with God.
6.
The codependent must overcome her low
self-image and feelings of inadequacy by accepting God’s evaluation of her
and her position in Christ.
7.
She must
understand that controlling others is sin and learn to
CHAPTER 10
Dysfunctional families are characterized by emotionally
needy people and a lack of effective healthy boundaries. They are
usually the result of negative experiences growing up in an abusive,
codependent, addictive, or otherwise dysfunctional family of origin.
Children from these families are usually insecure, codependent, and lack any
understanding of healthy boundaries. Applying boundaries to
dysfunctional family situations has become an important part of marriage and
family counseling today. Boundaries are the very basis of healthy
relationships, and the perceived violation of boundaries is the basis of all
offenses. The improper handling of offenses leads to a root of
bitterness that is a significant factor in the majority of marriage
failures.
Marital Difficulties
In a seminar that I was teaching I made the statement,
“Marriage can be heaven or hell on this earth. It is your choice which
it will be.” Because of the high expectations and tremendous
possibility for love and teamwork in a marriage, marriage also contains the
potential for tremendous pain, disappointment, and betrayal. If a
couple reacts out of their pain, things can easily escalate out of control.
It is not unusual for couples coming for marriage
counseling to be so disheartened that they believe there is only one
solution—divorce. Many times one of the mates comes hoping the
counselor will agree that in their special situation God would sanction
divorce, especially when domestic violence and abuse has occurred. The
Bible is very clear that divorce is allowed only in cases of adultery
(Matthew 5:32), or if the other mate is unsaved and chooses to leave (1st
Corinthians 7:15). Because divorce results in such deep emotional pain
and significant consequences, God requires us to do everything possible to
prevent it. Sometimes temporary separation is required to protect one
spouse from further abuse. However, I have found that if one of the
partners will learn to biblically deal with his or her own problems and set
strong, effective boundaries, the other mate will have to change or will
eventually choose to divorce them. If the mate that leaves commits
adultery or remarries, the first spouse has grounds for remarriage (because
the divorce now meets biblical criteria). Either the marriage will be
restored or at least the client will know that he has done everything
possible to save the marriage. In either case, the non-offending
spouse is better off since divorce recovery is much easier without the guilt
of feeling they gave up on the marriage too soon.
Problems with Children
When a couple is in a dysfunctional relationship or when a
marriage is conflicted, the entire family will be affected. Discipline
will usually be inconsistent or ineffective. Without both love and
effective boundaries, family life becomes chaotic.
Principles of a Healthy Family
David’s family did not recover from its problems. Two generations later these problems resulted in the division of the nation of Israel. Consequently, in order to illustrate what a healthy family is to be like, we need to find another biblical example. Not all families are so dysfunctional that they end in divorce or that the children need years to recover from the effects of growing up in their family of origin. Some marriages are entered into by two reasonably healthy people who have learned to use effective boundaries in their lives and who rely primarily on God to meet their needs. We find such a family in the New Testament story of Joseph and Mary, the mother of Jesus.
Healing Dysfunctional Families
1.
The first and most important step is for all members
of the family to accept Christ as their Savior and Lord, quit trying to
direct their own lives, give control over to God, and become willing to be
obedient to His word.
2.
Help each member of the family take responsibility
for their own actions no matter what other members do. God holds us
accountable for what we do and how we react, not what our mate or children
do. We must learn to respond with what is right instead of reacting
out of our hurt.
3.
Teach the family communication skills so that they
can discuss and resolve issues without fighting.
4.
Teach all members of the family how to use effective
boundaries to resolve conflict and not to be excessively passive or
aggressive when their personal boundaries are violated.
5.
Help develop a set of boundaries or rules for the
family that all agree are reasonable and fair. These boundaries may
have to include how the family will deal with arguments and outbursts of
anger. They must be consistently followed.
6.
Help the family discuss, resolve, and forgive past
offenses.
7.
Once the family believes that the other members do
have their best interests in mind, help them reach out in love to
CHAPTER 11
It is a difficult for us to deal with the issue of injustice. It is
inherent in every relationship problem or dysfunctional family situation.
Although it is a common problem, it can also become a complex one when it
leaves scars on the soul and changes a person’s view of the world. A
client’s life can be deeply damaged because of some perceived injustice,
especially in cases of governmental abuse, imprisonment, torture, or war.
Without help, he may never recover. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can
last for a lifetime. Injustice is always a boundary violation, since
for an injustice to exist it must be perceived that either the boundary or
law has not been fairly applied or that the one who made the decision is not
the one who is getting the consequences. Injustice threatens a
person’s feelings of security. When injustice prevails, people feel
powerless. Consequently, experiences of injustice can lead to problems
that affect people for a lifetime if they are not resolved. A person
naturally wants to strike back and correct the wrong. However, even
though God expects people to do their part, personally taking vengeance is
not usually God’s way of dealing with the problem.
Steps for Overcoming Injustice
1. We must trust in God to lead and
direct our lives.
2. Human
governments based on selfishness can never guarantee
3. Selfishness
and struggles for power are the seeds of injustice.
4. We are to
confront injustice when it occurs.
5. If we are
treated unjustly, we are to turn our situation over to
6. It takes
time, but justice will eventually prevail.
7. The seeds of injustice will consume those who do injustice and will eventually result in judgment against those who do evil.
CHAPTER 12
The pursuit of prominence is a problem that pervades our entire society.
As I have become more experienced in the area of codependency, I have
identified this form of striving for prominence as codependent independence.
This person copes with feelings of low self-worth and inadequacy through
performance, people pleasing, over-achievement, and rescuing. He is or
wants to be the proverbial "knight in shining armor" looking for a damsel
(the codependent dependent), corporation, or cause to rescue. As a
general (but almost absolute) rule, a codependent usually marries another
codependent. Every damsel needs a knight to rescue her from the dragon
of life, and every knight needs a damsel to rescue. As already
discussed, the Amorite tribe represents problems with prominence. The
Bible warns us about this problem when it asks in Mark 8:36, "For what shall
it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?"
The codependent independent's performance, accomplishments, and achievements
are his attempt to heal his low self-worth and feelings of inadequacy.
I divide the codependent independent psychological complex into two basic
types: worldly failure and worldly success. Of course, a client will
most likely fall somewhere between these two extremes and show some symptoms
of each. King David might be an example of this combination,
especially after his adultery with Bathsheba.
Codependent Independent Worldly Failure
In a competitive world, all will eventually fail. As long as a person
succeeds, they will be promoted to more difficult tasks and greater
responsibility. Even those who have reached the very top of their
field will eventually have to step down due to age or circumstances.
However, when failure becomes chronic it is usually due to significant
underlying problems. Sometimes it is difficult to determine whether
the client should be considered a worldly success or failure because of the
extensive facades developed by both. Extreme anger and jealousy are
usually the tip-off. Both may be equally competitive and aggressive,
but the real difference is how they view themselves. Sometimes they
view themselves a success in one area and a failure in another.
In looking for a biblical model, King Saul is a clear example of a codependent independent worldly failure. (He was the first codependent that the Lord personally identified to me.) Codependent traits are more subtle and harder to detect in the independent type of codependency. This is because they usually develop strong ego-defenses and an elaborate facade to cover any signs of inadequacy. Only by carefully watching their actions and observing their defenses can we see between the cracks in their carefully built suit of armor. It is usually even harder to see this problem in Christians, because they may have correct Christian beliefs, be walking to some degree in the Spirit (which masks codependent symptoms) and be using the church and religion as their area of accomplishment. Therefore, counselors inexperienced with codependency may not even recognize it as a problem. At its root is pride in being overly independent and a façade of outward confidence in order to cover up feelings of deep inadequacy. The codependent independent is attempting to become his own god and meet all of his own needs. It is usually very difficult to convince the codependent independent that he has a problem. Let us investigate what the Bible tells us about this problem beginning in 1 Samuel Chapter 9:
Steps for Overcoming Codependent Independent
1.
The root problem is attempting to meet feelings of
inadequacy without God through personal accomplishments and failing in
the attempt.
2.
He is an angry controller who blames others for his
problems and failures because of his feelings of inadequacy.
3.
The client builds an external facade, tries to force
others to meet his needs rather than deal with his own problems, buries his
emotions, and hides his insecurity. He is dependent on his performance
and other’s opinions in evaluating his worth. He is defensive, takes
criticism personally, and reacts angrily.
4.
The client must realize that he is trying to be his
own God, repent of his efforts to direct his own life, and take
responsibility for his own actions, instead of blaming others. He must
learn to manage his anger and trust God to meet his needs.
5.
He must understand that controlling others is sin,
set others free to make their own choices, deal with his own emotional
6.
The client must overcome his low self-image, feelings
of inadequacy, and defense mechanism of pride by accepting God’s evaluation
of him and his position in Christ.
7. He must actively reject the lie that his successes make him more worthwhile and that failures make him worthless. He must accept his worth in Christ and the unconditional love that God has for him.
CHAPTER 13
Codependent Independent Worldly Success
Today our society is driven primarily by a desire for success. Consequently, probably the hardest type of client to convince of his problem is the codependent independent worldly success. He is a workaholic. Even when he realizes that he has a problem, the codependent independent worldly success is even less likely to remain in therapy for an extended period of time than the worldly failure. Because everything goes his way, this over-achiever climbs to the top of his profession, receives all the acclaim that the world offers, but eventually finds out that all he has done is empty and meaningless. His inner pain and feelings of inadequacy remain. In the end, many times he has sacrificed his family and all that is dear to him for what turns out to be nothing at all. The best and most well known biblical type of this significant, seldom identified, psychological problem is King Solomon.
Steps for Overcoming Codependent
Independent
1.
The root problem is trying to meet feelings of
inadequacy through personal accomplishments without God.
2.
He is excessively driven to be an overachiever,
controller, rescuer, and enabler in his relationships because of his
insecurity.
3.
The client builds an external facade, buries his
emotions, and hides his insecurity.
4.
He is overly dependent on his performance and other’s
opinions in evaluating his worth.
5.
The client must realize that he is trying to be his
own god. He must repent of his efforts to direct his own life and meet
his own needs through excessive accomplishment, and trust God to meet them.
6.
He must understand that controlling others is sin.
He must set others free to make their own choices and trust God in his
relationships.
7.
The client must overcome his low self-image, feelings
of inadequacy, and defense mechanism of pride by accepting God’s evaluation
of him and his position in Christ.
8. He must actively reject the lie that his successes make him more worthwhile and realize that all his accomplishments are vanity.
CHAPTER 14
Codependent Avoidance
In conquering the land of Canaan, it was not just the City
of Jericho (fear) that had to be overcome but the entire Hittite tribe or
complex of fear. In the story of the conquering of Jericho, we learned
the basic principles: that it is faith working through love that
overcomes fear, and that fear must be confronted or it will increase.
At that time, I briefly discussed the simpler problems of anxiety attacks,
worry, phobias, panic attacks, and obsessive-compulsivity. As I have
already stated, faith combined with systematic desensitization is a very
effective means of dealing with most simple fears. In this section, I
intend to concentrate on the more difficult, complicated problems
related to fear. I have defined codependency as "excessive dependence
or independence on people or things." I have identified three basic
types of codependency. Those who try to meet their needs by being
over-dependent on others (dependent), those who try to meet their needs
through performance and rescuing others (independent), and those who try to
meet their needs through avoiding responsibility and relationships
(avoidant). In this part, I will elaborate on the problems of the
codependent avoidant whose primary characteristic is an attempt to avoid
fear.
Codependent Responsibility Avoidance
The codependent responsibility avoidant uses a strategy for life that minimizes failure at all costs. If he only does what he knows he can succeed at, he will be a success. Of course, for this strategy to succeed he needs someone else who will do whatever tasks he wishes to avoid. For this job he usually enlists a codependent dependent rescuer either in the form of a mate, a parent, or a friend. In order to understanding this problem from a biblical perspective and learn how to assist clients with this problem, let us examine the familiar story of Jonah in the Book of Jonah.
Steps for Overcoming Codependent
Responsibility Avoidance
1.
The overall problem is a fear of failure, which
causes the client to avoid situations in which he might fail or not perform
as successfully as he wishes.
2.
He must take responsibility for his own life and
others must refuse to do for him what he can do for himself.
3.
The client must repent of his desire to protect
himself at all costs by refusing to do things which might result in failure.
4.
The client must quit blaming others and trust God to
meet his needs.
5.
He must realize that his attempts to manipulate
others to meet his needs are futile and that, without God, he is powerless
to meet them.
6.
The client must cry out to God for help to make him
adequate for the tasks he is called to do.
7.
The client must understand that God is on his side,
be thankful to God for what he has done, and be willing to obey God.
8.
The client must do what God directs in spite of his
fears.
9.
He must speak to himself only what God tells him to
speak.
10. The client must start doing what he can do for himself and trust God to make him adequate for every task.
CHAPTER 15
Codependent Relationship Avoidance
The codependent relationship avoidant many times begins life in her family
of origin as the “lost child,” and has been so badly hurt in intimate
relationships that she avoids them, and spends the rest of her life as a
victim looking for society or someone else to vindicate her or take revenge
on her perceived abusers.
Summing Up Codependency
Now that we have discussed all six subtypes of codependency, let me summarize what we have learned. It is clear that this problem is caused by an attempt to meet our deepest needs without God. This is what the Bible calls idolatry. However, our new idols are ourselves, others, our accomplishments, or the things of this world. The codependent dependent passive tries to make someone else into her savior. The codependent dependent rescuer tries to get her needs met by saving a dysfunctional man. The codependent independent is trying to become his own God. If he succeeds, he becomes addicted to his own work or accomplishments. If he fails, he looks for a codependent dependent rescuer to help and support him. The responsibility avoidant tries to avoid failure by finding someone to do the things he feels inadequate to do. The relationship avoidant is trying to get others to care for, avenge, and save him. These strategies lead directly to becoming overly dependent on what they believe will meet their needs. Beginning with Luke 12:27, the Scriptures make the error of this approach to life elegantly clear:
Steps for Overcoming Codependent Relationship
Avoidance
1.
The overall problem is a fear of rejection
causing the client to avoid situations in which he might be rejected or to
find someone to help him get revenge for past rejections or abuse.
2.
He must take responsibility for his own life.
Others must refuse to do for him what he could do for himself, especially
taking responsibility for redressing his wrongs.
3.
The client must repent from his desire to
protect himself at all costs and quit blaming others for not protecting or
meeting his needs.
4.
He must realize that he is powerless without
God to meet his own needs or bring true justice to his situation.
5.
He must repent of his own sin, low self-image,
defensiveness, reliance on others, and desire for getting personal revenge.
6.
The client must cry out to God for justice,
become willing to forgive past hurts, take responsibly for his part in the
rejections or abuse, and, if the offender repents, be willing to reconcile
with the abuser or those who failed to protect him.
7.
The client must see himself as God sees
him—not as a victim, but through the help of God, as an overcomer—and be
thankful to God, and willing to obey Him.
8.
The client must start doing what he can do for
himself to build healthy relationships, set healthy boundaries, and trust
God to make him adequate for every task.
CHAPTER 16
Perhaps one of the most significant problems in our society today is that of
personal abuse. Physical, emotional, verbal, and sexual abuse is the
precipitating event that underlies many psychological problems, including
most subtypes of codependency. These types of abuse have become so
prevalent in our society that they have become a significant part of most
counselors’ caseloads. Fortunately, the Bible gives us excellent
models for dealing with the abuser. As already discussed, the
Perizzite tribe represents the problems of people without personal
boundaries who put up with the abuse, and the Jebusite tribe represents the
problems of the abuser. Jebus means “threshing place” or a place where
grain is beaten to remove its husks. The abuser verbally, emotionally,
sexually, or physically abuses others to get his needs met.
Although the Bible, like life,
gives us many varied examples of abusive behavior, the most comprehensive
model of this psychological problem is found in the account of Jacob and his
children. Abuse, like codependency, is a generational
sin. In Genesis Chapter 25, we find the story of Jacob,
an abuser. In the following chapter we will study the
story of Joseph, his son, who was abused by his brothers, as is a model for
abuse recovery.
Steps for the Recovery
of Abusers
1.
Abuse is an attempt to alleviate fears that the
client’s needs will not be met through forcing, controlling, or manipulating
others to meet those needs.
2.
All abuse or offense is a violation of the personal
boundaries of the abused.
3.
Although many abusers have been abused themselves,
this fact can never justify abuse because assertive options always exist.
4.
The abuser must break through his denial, take
responsibility for his actions, and face the fact that he is an abuser.
5.
He must learn that his attempts to control other
people or his circumstances will fail and that they are at the root of his
anger cycle and violence. He must turn control of his life over to God
believing that God will provide for all his needs.
6.
He must repent, face those he has abused, ask
forgiveness, and make restitution when possible.
7.
He must agree to establish and respect healthy mutual
boundaries in order to prevent continued abuse. True repentance always
results in changed behavior.
Codependency and a lack of boundaries provide fertile ground for abuse and
victimization. This is because all of us are selfish at
least to some extent and may even inadvertently take advantage of others who
do not express how they feel and do not stand up for themselves.
Of course, abusers will do whatever it takes to get their needs met
at the expense of others. Even after developing a basic
understanding of the methods for establishing healthy boundaries and for
recovering from codependency (as discussed in previous Chapters), we still
need a comprehensive model for recovering from abuse and for the
reconciliation of relationships.
Possibly, one of the most dramatic accounts of recovering from abuse is
found in the story of Joseph, beginning in Genesis Chapter 30.
1.
Abuse victims are many times codependent dependents
without adequate boundaries.
2.
The client must understand that her treatment by
others does not make her less worthwhile or somehow responsible for the
abuse.
3.
The victim must deal with her underlying feelings of
inadequacy and codependency in order to gain enough strength to confront the
abuser.
4.
The abused person must learn to do what is right in
spite of fear, set appropriate boundaries, and not enable the abuser.
5.
The client must repent of her selfish efforts to
protect herself at all costs and learn to meet her needs through God.
6.
The client must confront the abuser with bold love
and refuse reconciliation until true repentance has clearly occurred.
7. If the abuser repents, the victim should forgive him and reconcile the relationship, but maintain good boundaries to prevent a repetition of the abuse.
CHAPTER 18
As I have already discussed, Gibeon was a Hivite city. Hivite means
life-giving and stands for those desires and lusts that we see as assisting
the quality of our lives and meeting our deepest needs. While the
verbal, emotional, physical, and sexual abuser tries to get his needs met at
the expense of others, the addict attempts to get his needs met by killing
his emotional pain through some form of activity or drug. Because the
addict seldom quits his addictive behavior even when it is severely damaging
to his life, he is actually abusing himself. Today, addictions are
categorized either as substance addictions, like drugs and alcohol, or
process addictions, like sex, eating, gambling, or workaholism.
In 1st Corinthians Chapter 6, we find a list of addictions that can separate us from the kingdom of God. As with most of present tense Greek in the New Testament, I believe that these verses should be interpreted as continuous action. As an example, it is not getting drunk once that keeps a person from inheriting the kingdom of God, but continually being drunk over a period of time. This is substantiated by the verses that follow this list. As we have already seen in the story of Samson's life, either our faith will destroy our addictive behavior, or our addiction will destroy our faith. The good new is that, even though the power of an addiction can be great, each and every addiction—including homosexuality—can be and has been overcome through a deep faith-filled relationship with Christ. Paul, however, strongly advises that we should do everything possible to steer clear of these behaviors so that we will not be brought under their power.
1 Cor 6:9 Know ye
not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God?
The Law of Sin and Death
When our basic internal needs for love, security, worth, and significance are not met, we are motivated to do something about it. We select a method of meeting our own needs based on our prior experiences. If we reach our goal through the flesh, these methods provide temporary partial satisfaction along with condemnation (if we believe that what we have done is wrong or sinful). Operant conditioning suggests that if we do something and it results in immediate gratification, we will be disposed to do it more often. This is how desire for something turns into lust. If we choose to protect ourselves by hiding our shame, our guilt or shame (“I did something bad”) turns into toxic shame (“I am a bad person”). This is how in the long run the initial feelings of worthlessness increase. These short-term gains, which result in long-term shame, set the process of addiction into motion. After one complete loop of this chart we have: 1. Increased the desire for the substance. 2. Increased the level of toxic shame and internal neediness. 3. Increased the level of denial about being addicted. After each use, all three of these results increase until toxic shame pervades the addict's life, his lust is so strong that it overrides his values, and his denial blinds him to his problem. At this point, when the addict "tries harder to quit," his failure to stop only adds to his shame. Finally, out of extreme despair, he may even turn to self-destructive behavior or suicide to relieve himself of his intense level of internal emotional pain. This is the point where most addicts are willing to enter recovery. However, many go on to their deaths through medical complications or suicide. These individuals are frequently convinced that they are already too bad, they cannot recover, or there is no way out.
The Law of the Spirit of Life
By making two critical choices, we determine the consequences for our life.
The choice to believe God to meet our needs through the Spirit results in a
process that increases our faith and our desire for the spirit-led life.
It also decreases our selfishness and dependence on the addictive process.
The end of this circle is love, which results in actual need satisfaction.
The choice to trust in the flesh to meet our needs results in sin, shame,
and the development of a lust for the addictive agent. If we choose to
admit our sin and trust God for forgiveness, our shame or guilt is removed
so that it does not become toxic shame. This process is called grace.
If we choose to hide our shame, we enter a circle exactly like the Law of
Sin and Death that for the Christian is called legalism. Toxic shame
leads to increased need, strengthened lust, and our defenses hide our
ever-increasing addiction. This explains why Christians can become or
remain addicted. The two critical questions that each of us answer
every time we are tempted are: 1. whether we will choose to walk in
the Spirit or the flesh, and 2. whether or not we choose to hide or confess
our sin. How we answer these questions will be determined by our faith
in God. At the first decision point, if we truly trust God to meet all
of our needs, we will rely on His Spirit to fulfill our emptiness. If
we do not, we will rely on ourselves and the flesh to meet our needs.
At the second decision point, our choice will be based on whether we believe
that God still loves us in spite of our sin, will forgive us, and will
restore us to Himself. If we do not believe this, we will attempt to
cover up our sin and fall into the trap of legalism. Without trusting
in Christ for the power to make the right choices, an addiction cannot
usually be overcome. It is important to realize that this chart
presupposes that the client is a Christian and that he believes that the
power of his addiction (the old man) has been crucified with Christ and that
the power of Jesus’ resurrection is available to him through the new birth
(becoming the new man). This subject is explained in more depth in the
book of Romans.
The Ultimate Answer from Romans
Romans Chapter 6- 8 provides what I believe is the most biblical, effective, and rapid deliverance from addictions for Bible-oriented Christians. Nonetheless, these Chapters are “the meat and not the milk” of the Word of God. Therefore, they require an excellent foundation in the word of God. I am making a distinction here because for those with little Bible knowledge or for new believers a Christian 12-step program is simpler to understand, although deliverance may take longer.
Steps for Overcoming Addictions
1.
Understand that the underlying problem is trying to
meet deep personal needs through something other than God.
2.
The client must overcome his belief that he can meet
his needs through sin and not suffer the consequences.
3.
He must understand that an addiction results in
increased lust, denial, and neediness thus making the problem worse, not
better.
4.
The client must understand that he is powerless over
his addiction and that the harder he tries to stop out of his own strength,
the more addicted he will become.
5.
He should realize that either his addiction will
eventually destroy his faith in God, or his faith in God will destroy his
addiction.
6.
It is the client’s choice to meet his needs either
through God or through his addiction.
7. The client must be willing to build his faith, die to himself, and pull down his denial and shame.
CHAPTER 19
One of the most common types of addictions in this country involves eating
either too much or too little. A majority of people in our society are
overweight while our society applauds a youthful, slim figure. This
paradox has resulted in the problems of overeating, anorexia, and bulimia,
though there are often other more serious factors involved. For some
reason our society discounts the significance of eating addictions except
when they result in very significant health problems. Many churches
have even exasperated the problem by encouraging overeating through numerous
social events that promote eating and fellowship. The Bible calls
overeating gluttony and associates it with drunkenness and rebellion.
Steps for Overcoming Eating Addictions
1.
Understand that the underlying problem is a
family history that has lead to emotional pain and a need to feel in
control.
2.
The addict is trying to control his own life
and meet his own emotional needs through eating or external appearance.
Eating or how he or she looks has become a god to meet these needs.
3.
God sees eating disorders as serious problems
and expects everyone to honor Him and their bodies in the way they eat.
4.
Eating addictions result in serious
consequences including premature death, serious medical problems, loss of
spiritual insight, and give Satan a stronghold in the client’s life.
5.
Eating disorders also affect the addict’s
children and will bring similar consequences to them if they do not deal
with the problem. God holds everyone responsible for dealing with
these issues in the lives of their children.
6.
The client’s must repent, face his emotional
pain, obey God in his eating, and choose to meet his deepest needs through
God; or judgment will come.
7.
The client must be willing to die to himself,
put his faith in God, and due his part to overcome his addiction.
8.
Without repentance, the end result of the
addict will be the loss of the presence of God and a defeat in his life at
the hands of Satan.
Understanding Homosexuality
One of the most prominent addictions listed in 1st
Corinthians 6:9; and potentially, one of the most powerful addictions of our
day is that of homosexuality. Because of political correctness, some
have tried to rename homosexuality as an alternate lifestyle. It is an
extremely powerful addiction and difficult for many to deal with because it
combines two powerful problems: identity confusion and sexual addiction.
Both can go back to early childhood. Out of the many self-serving
theories that have been proposed concerning the etiology of homosexuality
(especially in the wake of homosexual agenda today), I have found only one
that both explains this problem and is consistent with what the Bible has to
say.
Identity Confusion
This prominent theory of the origin of homosexuality suggests that the
problem begins with identity confusion at around three years of age. I
believe that the early onset of this problem accounts for the fact that many
homosexuals believe they have always had homosexual tendencies. Around
this age, the male child begins to develop a gender identity by transferring
his allegiance from the nurturing mother to the father. A number of
factors can lead to a child rejecting his gender identity. The father
may reject him or be distant or cold. The mother may attempt to meet
her emotional needs through the child (this is called "emotional incest").
As a consequence, the child does not really feel a part of the male gender,
yet knows that he is not a woman. A quest for identity or connection
then begins that can last a lifetime. A reparative drive that
motivates each of us to try to resolve our problems, drives the growing
child to attempt to find his lost identity by connecting with males.
Because women do not make this transfer of allegiance, fewer lesbians exist
in the population. Many times a girl becomes a lesbian as a result of
the rejection of a distant or alcoholic mother or rejecting father.
Because the identity-rejecting female child is without a gender identity, a
desperate search for identity again occurs. (For more on the etiology
and treatment of homosexuality see Nicolosi, 1997)
Sexual Addiction
Because of the rejection and dysfunction in these families, feelings of
worthlessness and inadequacy provide the groundwork for addiction.
When the resulting codependency is combined with a lack of intimacy, sexual
abuse, a shameful attitude about sex or early childhood sexual experience,
all the factors for sexual addiction are present. Consequently, when
intimacy with the same gender is attempted as a result of the reparative
drive, sexualization occurs. However, because the connection meets
both the need for identity and triggers the sexual endorphin, it becomes a
stronger and harder type of addiction to break.
It is important to realize that many men who call themselves "homosexuals" really are not; and that most studies concerning the numbers of homosexuals in our society are flawed because of this difference. A true homosexual struggles with both identity confusion and sexual addiction. A sexual addict may develop a preference for sex with the same gender or even children through masturbation or sexual experiences.
Overcoming Identity Confusion
So far we have learned that prayer and help from others is
essential in helping the homosexual to decide to quit. Next, we need
an answer for overcoming the underlying lust and identity confusion.
Dealing with Homosexuality in the Church
The last issue to be dealt with is how we are to address the problem of
homosexuality within the church itself. With the advent of the
"homosexual church" and even the ordination of homosexual pastors in some
denominations, this is an important issue.
1.
Understand that homosexuality is a combination of
identity confusion and sexual addiction that usually begins with feelings of
parental rejection at about three years of age.
2.
However, choice is still a major factor. Not
everyone who feels rejected at an early age becomes a homosexual and many
who are tempted to have a homosexual relationship do not chose to act
according to that temptation.
3.
The underlying basis of homosexuality is a rejection
of what God intended the person to be and of God as the source of love and
protection. This rejection of God leads the client to try to meet his
needs for gender identity and love through lust.
4.
Homosexuality is accompanied by an aggressive,
selfish, seductive spirit which requires dramatic efforts to escape.
5.
The homosexual must repent, or he must be put out of
the church until he does.
6. He should realize that either his
faith in God will result in his
7. The homosexual must choose to abandon
his false identity,
8. The client must deal with his sexual addiction and trust in God to meet his needs and accept his new identity in Christ.
CHAPTER 21
OVERCOMING HURTS, WOUNDS, AND SCARS
The name Girgashite means literally
“dwelling on a clayey soil” or “one who turns back.” I
believe this is equivalent to “being stuck in the mud.”
In many cases, it is our dominating emotions that hold us back from going on
or forward in life. In this Chapter, I will deal with the
emotional problems that result in the bitterness that is frequently caused
by hurts, emotional wounds, and psychological scars.
Although this problem is a common one, when it results in deep feelings of
bitterness, it can become a complex problem that pervades the client’s
entire life. If clients do not overcome the bitterness in
their lives, it can scar them permanently. It can
significantly destroy the quality of their lives and the lives of everyone
around them. To a bitter person, nothing in life, except
possibly revenge, tastes sweet.
Probably the greatest impact on our feelings of love and attachment
are caused by the negative experiences of our lives and the hurts, wounds,
and scars that remain from our interpersonal experiences. For those of
us who have accepted the world’s system of evaluating our worth by how
others view us, these hurts, wounds and scars can also have a
significant effect on how we view our self-worth. When we take
offenses personally and apply them to our self-worth, they become wounds;
and if we fail to deal with them correctly, they become scars that continue
to affect us for the rest of our lives. Correctly perceiving the
events of our lives from God’s point of view, and processing them through
forgiveness and reconciliation can bring healing.
The Model of John Mark
In order to understand these concepts in a clearer way, let us examine
this process in the lives of John Mark and the Apostle Paul. Most of
us would agree that, with the exception of Jesus Himself, the Apostle Paul
probably suffered more for the Gospel and experienced more hurts, wounds,
and scars at the hands of other people than anyone else in the Bible.
This story provides us with a clear illustration of how we are to deal with
our inevitable hurts so that they do not become wounds or scars. It
will hopefully provide insight so that our negative experiences will not
become an emotional table of contents for our future. In the Greek,
John means, “Jehovah is a gracious giver," and Mark is interpreted “a
defense.” We have to choose what we will believe about the events of
our lives. Is God a gracious giver who will meet all of our needs in
spite of what others do to us, or is the world a dangerous place where we
have to look out for and defend ourselves?
Even a great man like the Apostle Paul can struggle with
issues of self-worth and offenses in his life. In this story, we can
see how taking things personally can affect our lives in negative ways.
This is especially true if we allow what happens to us to affect our
self-image. Correctly interpreting what happens to us from God’s point
of view is the key to handling the offenses of life. We should
understand that initially even the Apostle Paul took the events of his life
as a personal affront; but later was able, by changing his perspective, to
see them from God’s point of view and restore his relationship with John
Mark.
Steps for Overcoming Hurts, Wounds, and Scars
1.
Events and offenses will happen, but they do not have to turn into hurts,
wounds, and scars.
2. If we
make the mistake of taking what happens to us personally, it hurts us.
If we apply it to our worth as a person, it becomes a wound; if we
3. We handle
our wounds incorrectly if we bury our emotions, blame others, or let them
affect how we perceive ourselves. This can result in
a future hindered by the past, angry outbursts, unhealthy relationships,
emotional turmoil, and sickness.
4.
We must believe that even if others meant it for
evil, God will always work everything, even our mistakes, for our good.
5.
We must forgive others since they have problems just
like us, refuse to judge others, pray for them and not take offenses
personally.
6.
We should take responsibility for our part, do what
we can to resolve the problem, give what we cannot fix to God, and grieve
our losses.
7.
We are to release the past, admit our mistakes and weaknesses,
refuse to accept condemnation, refocus on God’s high calling for our lives,
and rely on God to accomplish His will through us.
CHAPTER 22: DEPRESSION
One of the most prevalent psychological giants of our age is depression. Today, it is treated largely with medication; and in many cases, this is justified. Low levels of certain neurotransmitters can result in clinical depression, which so affects the brain that therapy is of limited use. However, in most cases, therapy is equally effective if it is began before a clinical level of depression has resulted. Research suggests that medication, in addition to counseling, is the most effective approach for significant levels of depression. As we search the Bible, the most detailed model of depression (and maybe burnout) in the Bible is included in the life of Elijah. It is also possible that he was suffering from bipolar disorder since he seemed to have a very elevated mood and energy level shortly before becoming depressed. Our story begins in 1st Kings Chapters 18-19.
Steps for
Overcoming Depression
1.
Depression many times follows periods of
accomplishment, stress, failure, or loss. It may also be caused by
anger turned inward.
2.
All emotions, including depression, are determined by
how the client perceives the events of his life. If past events are
strongly involved, a healing of emotions may be required in order to deal
with present circumstances.
3.
The first step to recovery is to get adequate sleep,
nourishment, and exerecise. If this is not possible, medication may be
temporarily required. The client must also rebuild his spiritual life.
4.
The depressed person must be challenged to reevaluate
his view of his circumstances from God’s point of view.
5.
The client must rekindle his faith and hope in God’s
ability to work everything for good. He must learn to thank God that
He will use even these circumstances for the client’s good.
6.
He must realize that God loves him and is not limited
by the methods or the circumstances of his life.
7.
The client must obtain a new vision for his life from
God and take action to fulfill it.
CHAPTER 23
In each person's lifetime, he will be forced to deal with grief in some form. Everyone will eventually experience losses in their lives. Sometimes, going through grief can become extremely difficult, and if the client becomes "stuck" in the process of grief, he could even resort to self-destructive behavior or suicide. I believe that God directly gave me this model for grief therapy. I had been counseling a young Christian lady who was grieving a recent divorce. She was angry at God. Nothing I tried seemed to help. She was even hospitalized by her doctor for being suicidal. One day as she was leaving after an especially frustrating session, God spoke these words to my spirit: "You are just one of Job's helpers." Several times in past years, I had tried to make sense out of the book of Job with little success. When I finally recognized it as a model for grief therapy, everything fell into place. In the next session, we began a study of the book of Job; and eventually she completely recovery. Let me share what I learned.
Steps for Helping a Client through Grief
1.
Grief is the natural, automatic response to the
perception of a significant loss.
2.
The aggrieved person feels unfairly treated and
usually blames themselves, God, or others for the loss.
3.
He goes through stages of denial, anger, bargaining,
depression, and acceptance.
4.
The counselor should not attempt to give explanations
or immediately challenge the client’s wrong thinking or emotional reaction,
but listen and provide emotional support.
5.
The grief process, which requires time for the
sorting out of responsibility, emotional healing, and overcoming fears,
should neither be rushed nor allowed to stagnate.
6.
The counselor should not attempt to defend God but
try to slowly rebuild the client’s faith.
7. Recovery results in acceptance when the loss has finally been processed. Faith in God will help in overcoming the client’s fears and he will again becomes concerned about the needs of other people.
CHAPTER 24
The suicide of a person we love is probably the most
devastating event in anyone’s life. Unfortunately, suicides are not
uncommon in the United States. They are the third leading cause of
death among teenagers (Comer, 1995. p. 366). Although a lot has been
written on this topic, let us examine what the Bible has to say about it in
the well known story of Judas Iscariot. Judas means “praise” and
Iscariot means “a man from Kerioth,” a town of Moab. As you might
remember, Moab stands for lust. He was the son of Simon, which means
“a stone or rock.” This seems to say he had the potential to be a man
whose life would be a praise and honor to God, one who became solid like a
rock (like Simon Peter), but who struggled with lust (Moab). Judas was
selected to be one of Jesus’ original twelve disciples and the treasurer of
the group. Possibly, he was chosen because he was one of the most
educated and initially, one of the most trustworthy in the group. He,
like the other twelve disciples, was sent forth to preach the gospel, heal
the sick, and cast out demons. It would also appear that he was at
least as successful as the rest in their earlier ministry endeavors.
Steps for Preventing Suicide
1.
Suicide attempts usually occur when a person
is in deep emotional pain, has suffered a great loss or failure, or when
they are deeply depressed about life.
2.
The suicidal person believes that they have no
future worth living for and that they have no other options. It is
like a person in a room with only one door and no windows.
3.
If you really believe they are suicidal and
will kill themselves and you cannot dissuade them, ask them if they have a
plan and if they do, make sure they are watched at all times, take them to
the nearest emergency room, or call 911.
4.
Try to show them that they do have other
options that lead to life and help them turn to God for help with their
inadequacies. Help them to understand that both you and God love and
accept them and will assist them to find a new life in Christ.
5.
Suggest that they make an anti-suicide
contract with you to give you time to help them recover. They should
agree not to attempt suicide for a specific period of time and call you if
tempted.
6.
Help them understand that they do not have a
right to take their own life, because Jesus died to redeem them and their
lives are to be dedicated to obey and follow Him.
7. Express your belief that, in spite of the past failure or loss, they will recover to an even better and fuller life in Christ Jesus. If they are not sure they are saved, lead them to accept Christ or rededicate their lives, making Him Lord of their life.
CHAPTER 25
The vast majority of
client cases cited in this book have been counseled to a successful
conclusion using the methods discussed so far in this book. We must
remember, however, that we, as counselors, are not responsible for the
complete wholeness or salvation of each client. It is the Holy Spirit
that orchestrates the process of salvation in each person and it is He that
brings the client to us for a specific purpose. As we understand where
the client is in the process of salvation, we are to help him deal with the
current problems that are blocking this process and help to build his faith
in order to take the next step toward conquering the land of God’s promises.
We must be careful not to take the client’s responsibility to “work out his
own salvation” (Philippians 2:12b) or make choices for him. The Holy
Spirit, Himself, will not ever override a client’s free choice even to get a
person saved. Each client must be set free to take responsibility for
his life, make his own choices, and learn from his own consequences.
In this Chapter, I will demonstrate the
application of the overall biblical counseling method described in this book
in the lives of Dan and Randi Davis. They first came to counseling
because their new marriage was in desperate trouble. A counselor they
had seen previously had advised that they just get divorced. The steps
of the counseling method illustrated in this case study correlate with those
on the chart entitled “A Biblical Plan for Christian Counseling” at the end
of Chapter 4.
1. Determine the problem.
After explaining that it was not my job to “fix” them or make their
decisions for them, I asked them each to describe their perception of the
problem. It was a typical case of codependency.
For videos on this subject select the links below:
1. Transformation Video Course
The written material information presented above comes from:
Transformation! How Simple Bible Stories Provide In-depth Answers for Life's Most Difficult Problems by Dr. Reiner $18.99