Biblical Answers for Workaholism
When our
needs for love, security, worth, or significance are not met, we attempt to
meet these needs through depending on ourselves, relying on others, trying
to control others, or using substances or things to make us happy.
Today, in the recovery movement, this is called codependency. This
term was originally coined to refer to a person married to an addict who was
somehow dependent on the addict continuing to drink or use drugs.
However, this excessively dependent or independent pattern is now recognized
to be much more widespread in our society and has been identified as the
underlying cause of numerous other problems.
The pursuit of prominence is a problem that
pervades our entire society. As I have become more experienced in the
area of codependency, I have identified this form of striving for prominence
as codependent independence. This person copes with feelings of low
self-worth and inadequacy through performance, people pleasing,
over-achievement, and rescuing. He is or wants to be the proverbial
"knight in shining armor" looking for a damsel (the codependent dependent),
corporation, or cause to rescue. As a general (but almost absolute)
rule, a codependent usually marries another codependent. Every damsel
needs a knight to rescue her from the dragon of life, and every knight needs
a damsel to rescue. As already discussed, the Amorite tribe represents
problems with prominence. The Bible warns us about this problem when
it asks in Mark 8:36, "For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the
whole world, and lose his own soul?"
The codependent independent's performance,
accomplishments, and achievements are his attempt to heal his low self-worth
and feelings of inadequacy. I divide the codependent independent
psychological complex into two basic types: worldly failure and worldly
success. Of course, a client will most likely fall somewhere between
these two extremes and show some symptoms of each. King David might be
an example of this combination, especially after his adultery with
Bathsheba.
Workaholism--Codependent Independent Worldly Success
Today our society is driven
primarily by a desire for success. Consequently, probably the hardest
type of client to convince of his problem is the codependent independent
worldly success. He is a workaholic. Even when he realizes that
he has a problem, the codependent independent worldly success is even less
likely to remain in therapy for an extended period of time than the worldly
failure. Because everything goes his way, this over-achiever climbs to
the top of his profession, receives all the acclaim that the world offers,
but eventually finds out that all he has done is empty and meaningless.
His inner pain and feelings of inadequacy remain. In the end, many
times he has sacrificed his family and all that is dear to him for what
turns out to be nothing at all.
1. They may come from what seems like
a great Christian heritage and have everything going for them.
Solomon, on the surface, had absolutely everything going for him. To
understand at all how he could be codependent, we have to look at the dark
secrets of David's dysfunctional family: David’s affair with
Bathsheba, His murder of Uriah, the rape of Tamar, the murder of Amnon,
Absolom’s rebellion, his refusal to discipline his children, and his ability
to act as if nothing was wrong. Solomon admitted his feelings of
inadequacy in the words, "I am but a little child," (1 Kings 3:7) when he
requested wisdom to rule from God. On the other hand, David may have
actually spent more time with Solomon than the rest of his sons (Proverbs
4). Davis had commanded Solomon to follow God with all his heart, so
that one of his descendants would sit on the throne of Israel forever. (1
Kings 2:3, 4)
2. God wants to bless the codependent
independent, but the more he is blessed the greater danger that he will try
to run his own life. God offered Solomon any wish, but he chose
wisdom to rule and judge between good and evil. Because he chose this,
God blessed him with riches and honor which are sometimes also the result of
wisdom. These became part of his downfall.
3. Close observation is sometimes
required to see the signs of codependency. In Solomon’s case, we
first see these signs of his codependency when he married Pharaoh's daughter
and later sacrificed in the pagan high places to please his wives.
Israelites were not to marry anyone outside of Israel, and they were
prohibited from sacrificing in the high places. In fact, they were
supposed to tear the high places down. Solomon’s marriage to Pharaoh’s
daughter suggests an alliance with the things of the world (Egypt), and his
sacrifices in the high places suggest worshiping his own intellect or
wisdom.
4. The codependent independent
struggles with being too independent. Although he was told that
everything in his future was contingent on his obedience to God, his actions
showed that he was convinced that he could do a better job of running his
own life. Many times the codependent actually is unaware that he is
running his own life instead of yielding to God. Some codependents
even believe that whatever they think or want to do is what God is telling
them to do. God clearly warned Solomon, but the warnings went
unheeded.
5. The underlying issue is trying to
meet their needs themselves, even if it is at the expense of others.
In the story of the two harlots in 1st Kings Chapter 3, one of
the prostitutes accidentally rolled over on her baby while she slept during
the night; and it died. This tragedy represents the inner loss and
hurt that has been experienced by the codependent. Instead of
accepting and dealing with the loss, the first prostitute took the other's
child and said that it was hers. In the same way, the codependent
independent uses what others have (their baby) to meet his need for worth
and significance. He plays "king of the hill" in the "rat race" of
life so that he can be “successful” and feel good about himself but he does
not really care about other people. Codependents are more interested
in their success than the needs of the people that work for them or even the
members of their own families. In this story, Solomon was able to
determine which prostitute really loved the baby when he threatened to have
it cut in half. The true mother loved the child and had its best
interest in mind; even ahead of her own interests. The codependent
independent only wants a child (or corporation) to meet his needs and would
rather have it killed than to let another have it! This is the
"toxic," selfish "love" of codependency. King Solomon gave himself the
answer to his own problem of codependency: The king (God) will give
real success (the live baby) to those who will really care for it and cares
about the needs of other people.
1 Ki 3:16 Then came there two women, that
were harlots, unto the king, and stood before him.
6. In order to recover from
codependency we must experience God’s unconditional love and learn to trust
Him. Solomon gave the child to the real mother. This child
needed the love of its real mother. As she loved and cared for him,
the child would learn to trust her to meet all of its needs. In the
same way, the codependent needs to feel loved by God so that he can learn to
trust God for his worth, significance, love and security. He must face
the pain of his own emptiness and turn to God for help, or he will continue
to attempt to be his own god and try to meet his own needs.
7. Natural wisdom, talent, approval
and accomplishment are never enough. Solomon exceeded all the wise
men of his time. He was one of the most learned men. He studied
science, wrote 3000 proverbs, and 1005 songs. All the people and even
kings came to hear him. He had all the approval any man could ever
have, but it was never enough. He had to do more. This is the
problem with trying to use external accomplishments to fix how a person
feels about himself internally. The external “solution” develops into
a lust or addiction which can never be satisfied.
8. Even great religious
accomplishments can be motivated wrongly by codependency and legalism.
The temple symbolizes Solomon's heart. We are told that "he loved
God." He started with all the best intentions to accomplish something
for God. He wanted to please God, just like he wanted to please
everyone else; so he performed well at the task of building the temple.
Solomon built the majestic temple for God, but when the Ark of the Covenant
was brought into it, it contained only the tablets of the law (which stand
for legalism and our attempts to please God in our own strength). I
counseled a pastor who had fallen into this same trap. Only after a
great failure was he able to see his codependent independent motivation.
He had always performed in order to please his father, and now he finally
understood that he had been driven to do the same for God.
9. Overly independent people are not
known for their love for the Word of God, their desire to submit to
authority, or their admission of sin. Noticeably missing from the
Ark when it was brought into the temple was the manna (God's word), Aaron's
rod that budded (God's authority), and the gold hemorrhoids given by the
Philistines when the Ark was taken in Samuel's time (a sacrifice for sin).
(1 Kings 8:9) However, this is not always the case.
Sometimes a codependent might read the Bible, submit to authority, and
confess his sins if he thinks that these actions will accomplish his goals.
10. A codependent is unable to
maintain appropriate priorities. Because of his drivenness and
perfectionism, he is unable to keep his life in balance. Selfishness,
accomplishments, and people-pleasing overshadow everything else.
Solomon’s priorities can be clearly seen in the fact that it took him seven
years to build God's house and thirteen years to build his own. (1 Ki
6:38, 7:1)
11. God wants to fill the
codependent's heart and meet his needs. When Solomon dedicated the
temple, even though the Ark of the Covenant contained only the stone tablets
of legalism, God filled the temple (Solomon's heart) with the cloud of
glory. Solomon's excessive attempts to please God are clearly seen
again in the 22,000 oxen (work) and 120,000 sheep (sin atonement) that he
sacrificed.
12. Complete submission to the will
of God is required in order for the codependent independent to recover.
To God obedience and relationship are more important than performance
(sacrifices). This is exactly what God said to King Saul after he
failed to completely destroy the Amalekites (the flesh). (1 Samuel
15:22) In 1st Kings Chapter 9, we are told that God again
appeared to Solomon and promised that if he would obey (surrender control of
his life) he would be blessed. We can understand why God emphasized
this point every time he appeared to Solomon.
13. If the codependent refuses to
truly submit to God's direction, destruction will follow. God put
it this way:
1 Kings 9:4 And if thou wilt walk before me,
as David thy father walked, in integrity of heart, and in uprightness, to do
according to all that I have commanded thee, [and] wilt keep my statutes and
my judgments:
14. The codependent independent
brings on his own destruction by using and abusing other people and things
in an attempt to meet his needs. We see this beginning to happen
when Solomon gave Hiram substandard cities in payment for cedar and fir
trees. Instead of destroying the remaining Amorites, Hittites,
Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites, he put them to forced labor. As has
already been stated, these tribes stand for psychological problems of
prominence, fear, lack of boundaries, addictions, and abuse. Instead
of dealing with his problems, he tried to use them for his service.
Like Saul, Solomon refused to deal with the problems of his flesh and this
led to his downfall.
15. The praise of others only
stimulates the desire for greater accomplishments—overachievers hang
together and validate each other. The Queen of Sheba fed Solomon's
ego, and he gave her anything she wanted.
16. The codependent independent, who
originally oscillates between pride and feelings of inadequacy, easily
becomes victim to his own defense of pride. Solomon made 200
targets of gold (goals) and 300 shields of gold (defenses), an ivory throne
with six steps (man's sufficiency) and 24 lions (strength) of gold (deity).
The Bible warns us that God resists the proud and that pride comes before
the fall. (James 4:6, Proverbs 16:18)
17. A codependent will eventually be
overcome by the things that he worships. Solomon bought more and more
horses and chariots (worldly means) and eventually took 1000 women to meet
his needs. He had so much gold and silver that silver was not even
counted as valuable during his reign. Relationship addiction, sexual
addiction, and possibly alcoholism seem to have predominated in his later
life, possibly after his accomplishments proved hollow. God
specifically prohibited kings from accumulating large amounts of gold,
having many horses, or many wives, but Solomon seems to have felt that he
was exempt from these laws. He chose to follow his lust rather than
God's law, and eventually, these things (especially the women) led him
astray.
De 17:15 Thou shalt in any wise set him king
over thee, whom the LORD thy God shall choose: one from among thy brethren
shalt thou set king over thee: thou mayest not set a stranger over thee,
which is not thy brother.
18. The lusts and addictions of the
flesh will eventually overcome all resistance. Solomon's wives
were Moabites (lust), Ammonites (selfish desire), Edomites (earthly),
Zidonians (getting things), and Hittites (fear). In 1st
Kings 11:2, it tells us that "Solomon clave (to cling strongly) unto these
in love (human love or sex)." His 700 wives and 300 concubines
demonstrate the level of his addiction. These turned his heart from
the Lord. As we will clearly see when we study addictions in depth,
either the addict's faith will overcome his addictions, or his addictions
will overcome his faith.
19. Lust and addictions will corrupt
the codependents morals and lead him to do what he said he would never do.
In 1st Kings 11: 5 it states that Solomon went after Ashtoreth
the goddess of the Zidonians (sex), and after Milcom, the abomination of the
Ammonites (selfish desires). These all led him away from God:
20. A codependent will go so far as
to sacrifice his family to meet his needs. Solomon built a high
place of worship for Chemosh (which means subduer, a god which required
human sacrifice) the abomination of Moab (lust), and for Molech (the god for
which first born children were burned alive on the altar) the abomination of
the children of Ammon (selfish desires). I believe this symbolizes
that the codependent worldly success will sacrifice his family for
achievement and lust, through neglecting and abusing them.
1 Kings 11:7 Then did Solomon build an high
place for Chemosh, the abomination of Moab, in the hill that is before
Jerusalem, and for Molech, the abomination of the children of Ammon.
21. His addictions and his abuse of
others will lead to more and more trouble for the codependent. The
world (Egypt) and the people around him will eventually oppose the
codependent when they are tired of being used by him. Solomon
overtaxed the country so much to meet his insatiable thirst for
accomplishment that the people rose up to demand relief of this burden from
his son Reheboam. Because Reheboam stated that he would even
accomplish more than his father, the people rebelled and made Jeroboam the
king over ten tribes. Jeroboam means “the people will contend.”
(1 Kings 4: 4-16)
22. All of his accomplishments and
addictions will eventually prove hollow. Solomon wrote many
proverbs to warn others not to go the way he did. The entire book of
Ecclesiastes is Solomon's final answer to life. He tells us "that all
is vanity (worthlessness).” (Ecclesiastes 1:14) This is the
final realization of the codependent independent.
23. The codependent independent many
times has to learn things the hard way. In Proverbs 4:3, Solomon
tells of the importance of listening to your father; and in verse 23 he
warns, "Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it [are] the issues of
life." In Proverbs 5:3-5, he warns, "For the lips of a strange woman
drop [as] an honeycomb, and her mouth [is] smoother than oil: But her
end is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword. Her feet go
down to death; her steps take hold on hell." In Proverbs 20:1, he
warns against alcoholism, "Wine [is] a mocker, strong drink [is] raging: and
whosoever is deceived thereby is not wise."
24. He may eventually understand his
error and realize that he has been trying to be his own god.
Although authorities disagree on whether Solomon returned to God at the end
of his life, it does appear that he at least understood his error in
disobeying God. In Ecclesiastes 7:13, he gives us his advice
concerning how to escape from codependent independence: "Let us hear
the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for
this [is] the whole [duty] of man."
25.
The ultimate consequences will
fall on the next generation.
Reheboam, reflecting the pride of his father, lost 10 of the 12
tribes of Israel; because he would not turn from his father's way of using
others. Adoram (pride), his tax collector, was stoned to death; and
Reheboam barely escaped alive, when they attempted to collect the taxes.
Codependent independence works only for a limited time until the
consequences of using others destroys all that has been built.
In treating the codependent independent worldly success, I start by challenging them with three questions: 1. What is it that you have accomplished so far in your life that will still be worth something 200 years from now? 2. What is going to happen to you tomorrow? 3. What is the mission that God has assigned you on this earth? Of course, there is almost nothing that we can do that will last 200 years; we cannot even predict what will happen tomorrow, and without God we have no idea what our mission on earth is supposed to be. I conclude, that if this is so, how do they think they can control and direct their lives? All the rats in the rat race of life are just running around in circles and the faster ones who are lapping the others still have no idea where they are going. Of course, this is the message of the book of Ecclesiastes, which I then ask them to read. As an overall program for recovery, I have found that codependent independents seem to relate better to Conquering Codependency (1993) by Pat Springle, rather than other programs, because it is more concrete and action-oriented. In addition, many times it is necessary to help the client deal with anger, abusive behavior, and addictions. These issues will be dealt with extensively in subsequent Chapters.
1.
The root problem is trying to meet feelings of
inadequacy through personal accomplishments without God.
2.
He is excessively driven to be an overachiever,
controller, rescuer, and enabler in his relationships because of his
insecurity.
3.
The client builds an external facade, buries his
emotions, and hides his insecurity.
4.
He is overly dependent on his performance and other’s
opinions in evaluating his worth.
5.
The client must realize that he is trying to be his
own god. He must repent of his efforts to direct his own life and meet
his own needs through excessive accomplishment, and trust God to meet them.
6.
He must understand that controlling others is sin.
He must set others free to make their own choices and trust God in his
relationships.
7.
The client must overcome his low self-image, feelings
of inadequacy, and defense mechanism of pride by accepting God’s evaluation
of him and his position in Christ.
8.
He must actively reject the lie that his successes
make him more worthwhile and realize that all his accomplishments are
vanity.
1. Codependence Independence (Transfromation Lesson 6) {Start 31:00]
2. Codependent Independent Worldly Success (Counseling Codependency Lesson 7)
Referenced material and resources
Transformation! How Simple Bible Stories Provide In-depth Answers for Life's Most Difficult Problems by Dr. Reiner $18.99 Conquering Codependency Workbook by Springle $24.95Boundaries Book by Cloud and Townsend $14.99
Experiencing God Workbook by Blakaby $24.95